Sex in and of itself not un-breachable
per say, but when it comes to the sex lives of women in long term
relationships... we just don't talk about it. Sure, we LOVE to compare notes
when we're single. Women's magazines are full of how to's and what to do's and
you should try's. We love to talk about the hook-up from last night, the
numbers, and the tips. But those of us who are years deep in a serious
relationship don't get the media coverage that other women do. Many of us are
left in the dark when it comes to whats "normal" when you have that
"forever" connection.
I was having a conversation with a friend that I know
fairly well and this exact subject came up. We didn't so much compare
"notes" as we did talk about the realities of sex lives and how
much they vary from couple to couple regardless of the longevity of the actual
relationship. I am ultimately an honest and open person about all aspects of my
life, but even I was relieved to hear that my bedroom coming and goings were
not uncommon.
So my thoughts come down to this: There isn't a normal. Every
person has their own libido, energy levels, desires, turn ons, and needs. So
when we compare our lives to
glossy pages, they can be highly unrepresentative of our personal life. We end
up worrying that because we don't have sex XYZ ways and 789 times a week, we
are unfit for a relationship, undesirable, doing it wrong, being cheated on etc
etc etc. Or, conversely if we have sex a kajillion times a month with our
partners, people say that there is a sex addiction, unhealthy attachment, or
they just build resentment because they think they are supposed to have the
same. All of this is bad news.
I want to offer all women the
information that there are all
different kinds and shades of
sex lives out there and this inconsistency is the part that is
"normal". The variety is not only okay, but might even be celebrated. There is not one "ideal", they all
can be accepted, and if you are happy... well, then whatever it is... is okay.
And if you are unhappy simply due to the preconceptions of
what your sex should be, this post is for you. I asked some women to share the
most intimate details of their bedrooms (or couches, or kitchen tables...) and
they bravely accepted. All of the names are changed for privacy's sake, and I
believe the anonymity allows for even more self-identification as we
read. Please enjoy what these courageous ladies have to share:
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“My partner and I
have been together for 8 years and our sex life is so very different today than
it was when we first started out! Of
course, when we got together, we were 8 years younger. We also fell madly in love immediately. Over the course of
the first 2 years we had some big ups and downs, but are
stronger for our struggles and have now reached a place of complete comfort and
happiness in our relationship. We both
know that no matter what else happens in our lives, our relationship will
prevail. It is a major priority to us and
we work daily on keeping things healthy and whole. That being said, I’d
estimate that we probably have sex a few times a month. For me it was really
hard to transition from sex a few times a
week to the current frequency. This caused some of our ups and downs as I used
to tie a lot of my esteem into my
sexuality. I took it really hard as our sex life began to dwindle. My
sensitivity and anxiety did not help the
situation any! Now, I am completely comfortable and happy with our sex life and have no issues with the fact that we
aren’t intimate it more often. Coming to terms with this, and understanding it to be natural part of
being in a long term, healthy, relationship has been a huge accomplishment for me. With the pressure off,
we are able to enjoy the times we are intimate; and, be just
as stupid in love as we were the first day, all the time, without the stress of
trying to measure up to those first few months of passion. My advice to
other women, as they navigate the seas of their sex lives with long term
partners, is to just go with the flow. Don’t over think it; don’t take it
personally; and, most importantly, don’t stress. It’ll be what it’s going
to be.”
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“Zaphod and I met ten years ago through
friends. We talked all through the night and then I took him home to his place
and we had sex all weekend long. I loved every second of it and we’ve been
married 8 years now. Our sex life has fluctuated over the years, depending on
his work and stress levels. I’d prefer to get laid every day, but currently we
average about 2-3 times a week. Early on I established a ground rule: he
doesn’t get an orgasm unless I’ve had one. So he brought home a vibrator for
me. He admitted he was having trouble keeping up with me and encouraged me to
use it. Which is how I discovered that bringing myself to a screaming orgasm
will send him running into the room to finish the job. And that quickies are
the best thing ever. So there are ways around the fact that his libido is lower
than mine, but it was hit or miss for a while there trying to find them. I am,
however, enjoying myself thoroughly finding them!”
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“Rocket Man and I have been dating a
long time and met when we were very very young. Before we starting sleeping
together, teenage hormones kept us in near consistent lip lock, but after (and
this was also the result of beginning a very long distance relationship for the
next few years) our snuggles increased and our sex life decreased.
Neither of us view this as a bad thing! We are very busy
people, and love each other very much. When we do have sex it's AMAZING. But it
can also be to the tune of having sex once a month.
This doesn't mean that we're unhappy, have problems, are
un-attracted to each other, or are out of touch with our bodies. What it does
mean is that we're true to ourselves and our relationship and have sex when we
want to have sex, not when Cosmo says we should want to have sex.
We're happy. Blissfully so. That's more than enough.”
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Carlos and I have been together 5 years and we were set up by mutual
friends. We have a very balanced relationship. We are very different but
we both have similar down to earth temperaments which makes us a good
team. We both enjoy sex however our sex life has been through MANY
different phases in frequency, intensity, and enjoyment. The biggest
phases were due to being new partners, trying to have a baby, dealing
with infertility and fertility treatments, pregnancy, and now post baby
sex. We currently have sex about 3 times a week even though I am more
insecure with my body than I have ever been in my life. I feel like it
is important to us and I do enjoy it when I do it. Sex post baby and
having our history in infertility is different now. Though a baby does
make it hard for us to spend as much time together the situations we
went through prior have brought us incredibly close. We now know sex
really is only about having fun and us since we will never be able to
have children the good old fashion way plus we never have to worry about
birth control
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“My name is Joannah and I am a 58
year old post-menomausal woman married to Christian, a 60 year old man, for 22
years. We met as neighbors. After our first marriages ended (I was divorced and
Christian's wife died) our friendship very quickly became passionate. We
share many similar interests, social beliefs and political ideals, but we have
very different religious beliefs and expressions. Yet, we consider each other
to be our very best and closest friend. Genuine respect for each other as
individuals and huge electric attraction to each other is the glue that binds
us and enables us to cope with the ebbs and flows of life...including sexuality
and expression.
While we both have always experienced orgasms with each
other very easily, it was not the case in our lives with other partners.
Therefore, our sex life together became a high priority and we have always been
devoted to giving it a lot of time, attention, and patience. The first
ten years of our marriage, we made love every day, and on weekends usually
twice a day. But the frequency of sexual coupling and orgasm has had many
changes over the years, related to personal illness and raising our children.
We are much more tired now at the end of the day &
seem to need more sleep, so sex usually takes place over the weekend when we
can have leisurely time together. We now make love about 3 times over the
weekend. But we still cuddle and caress each other each night and tell each
other every day that we love each other. My husband makes it a point to pay me
a compliment every single day.
Our marriage relationship, sex included, is our mutual
top priority.”
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“John and I had what was supposed to be
a one night stand. Six years later, we got married. That was nine years ago. We
haven't had sex in four years. To make a long story short, I went through a
period where I wanted a child and John was adamant that he would not be a
father. The last few years there has been a lot of therapy, a separation, and a
very slow reconciliation. I've decided that our relationship is more important
than motherhood. We take it one day at a time and although things are back to
normal in a lot of ways, I hope that some day (soon!) we can go back to the
crazy fun sex life we used to have. Or any sex life at all. In the meantime, I
have so many battery-operated toys that Duracell should send me a Christmas
card every year.”
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“Seven years ago I met my best friend. After three years of
dating, we got married. We have an amazing relationship. He treats me like
gold. We do everything together. We're ridiculous and heartily laugh together
all the time, as well as forge through the difficult parts together.
Before
we were even married, our sex life had dwindled. There is a certain fire in the
newness of somebody; that feeling every time you're with them, when the
relationship is unsteady, that this may be the last time you're with
them....When things became more serious and solid and sure, that roaring blaze
dwindled to a little spark. His libido is still there, he's game whenever,
but....I just mostly don't care. The passion for the physical doesn't come very
often. Maybe once a month I am legitimately interested. I just don't need it. I
aim to have sex at least once a week, because I know it's important. I get into
it once I've started, but....it feels very much like a chore. Something on the
to do list that needs to be checked off to keep our lives running happily.
We've had many a fight about it. I would like for him to be more aggressive.
Just come get it when he wants it! But i think I am an intimidating character,
possibly. Or maybe he's afraid of getting shot down. I am left being the one
that always has to make the move. Alas, we are stuck in an unchanging
stalemate....”
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“Liam and I have been together for a
little over two years. We are married, with two children. We met
volunteering and were not instant friends. We connected over a discussion about
music and after our first date we were inseparable. Our relationship is that of
best friends. We laugh a lot and rarely argue; not because we don't experience
differences but because we mutually respect each others right to be upset with
the situation or the individual.
Our sex life is wonderful. We have a four month old baby so
our frequency isn't what it was in the beginning but I'd say we average at
least two- three times per week. If we don't have time for long love making
sessions we mutually masturbate. We also try to keep things lively by doing
little things like sneaking away to the bathroom to give one other oral
pleasure or heavy petting on the drive home. Most recently, due to a new found
confidence of reclaiming my pre-baby figure Liam and I decided to film one of
our sexcapades. It was a short session, 8 minutes (I only know this because of
the handy ticker when we watched it back), but more exciting than filming was
the knowledge that this was something neither of us had ever done before.
It brought something extra to our sexual relationship. In an
era of premarital sex it's sometimes difficult accepting the harsh reality that
what may be a first for one may not be for the other. Being able to experience
a "first", especially in an already established relationship, brought
a new level of excitement. One that I dare say made us both smile and giggle
almost as if we were fifteen again, dry humping for the first time.”
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"Months after getting out of an extremely difficult relationship, boredom got the best of me and I ended up searching for my free matches on a dating site. Ryan popped up on my screen and we began talking on Facebook. Things moved fast—we met in person a week after we began talking, became an official couple a week after that, and moved in together three months into our relationship. After an extremely spontaneous summer, things started to quiet down a bit. Now, three and a half years later, we’re only having sex once every week or two (at most) compared to the almost daily lovemaking sessions we used to have. He’s the love of my life and my feelings for him haven’t faded in the least bit—I’m just constantly fighting off my own personal demons, leaving me exhausted. I’m hoping I’ll be able to overcome these obstacles soon so that I’ll finally be able to give him the sexy woman I feel he deserves. I just don’t know where to start…"
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“My true love and I have been together
for a couple years, and living together for a couple as well. The second we met we
were infatuated which quickly turned in to love of the most intimate kind. We
had sex every night for the first four months and would both say that our
favorite hobby was macking. We became closer and
closer, identifying on such core levels that we became each others
biggest confidant and best friend. We are still this way, completely and
utterly comfortable in each others presence. Its magical. As we became more and
more connected on an intimate and emotional level though, our sex life started to
fade. This devastated me in so many ways. I was convinced that it was
me; my body, my skill, my anything I could think of. He assured me this was as
far from the truth as possible, but I was unable to believe him. We went a
year without sex, and I spent the majority of nights crying myself to sleep.
One drunken and riotous night together we had sex for the first time in a year,
but we haven't has sex again since. We've been seeking therapy for this issue
and have come to learn that because of childhood trauma, he is unable to engage
in sex once he reaches emotional intimacy. He is capable of only one type
of intimacy at a time... either physical or emotional. Through stellar communication
and therapy we've inched along towards recifying our lack of physical
connection. I don't see any passionate "love making" in my immediate
future, but I'm pretty sure we will get there eventually. Does this long dry
spell bother me? Every single day. Is he worth the wait? In every single way.”
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This divulgence of information takes fearlessness of the boldest
kind, but I would encourage you to continue this quest of honesty in the comments
section. Lets make this an open forum and share what we feel comfortable with
so that others can ease their minds. If you feel more comfortable posting as
"anonymous" feel free; your privacy is important to me. If you do
have the ability to share, I know that many will be able to identify with your experience
and that it will touch others in the only way this kind of raw information can. I
look forward to hearing more…
If nothing is considered "normal" that then means that everything is normal and you're not alone.
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