HONESTY HOUR
Friday, September 14, 2012
I've got a couple legs, a couple arms, and a couple chins. I have more than a couple tattoos. I fight myself on a daily basis, but it hasn't killed me yet. My hair is purple, my laugh is obnoxious, and my energy is all consuming. I'm intelligent, but my geography knowledge is for shit. I have nothing to hide, and I don't mean that like a lot of people mean it. I literally don't feel the need to hide anything. My boyfriend loves me more than life itself but we still have loads of problems. I thrive on compliments. My natural hair color is blonde, and though I haven't had it for 6 years... sometimes I miss it so much I think of shaving my head and starting all over again. My brain is both my strongest weapon and my greatest burden. I had the opportunity to be a glitter goddess at a glam rock dance party but I chose a small birthday party with good friends instead. I would not have chosen that two years ago. I have absolutely zero tolerance for bad drivers, though I know that sometimes I am also an offender. When I fuck up, I apologize out loud to the other cars for being "that guy". Strong women inspire me. Being part of strong women's missions feels like home. I was taught my entire life that I could do anything I want... and though I've always believed this, I'm only now starting to realize the extent of my abilities. I love children's movies and tv shows more than adult ones. For an entire year I was so terrified of driving at night that it paralyzed my body. This both started and ended suddenly with no known cause. I have no interest in being kind to assholes. I feel good about this. My opinions on life have become crystalline after realizing I was raised to believe fictitious fables. This has overtaken my entire body with a calm and peaceful knowing that I know nothing at all. And perhaps there isn't as much to know as I thought. I am so content with the idea of. Just. Existing. Unfortunately for those from my past, this makes them sad that I am "lost". I offer them the option to go fuck themselves; this change is empowering for me and not a tragedy. If our friendship conflicts with my freedom, I choose the latter. Such is the nature of life. The funny thing about science is that whether or not you believe it, it's still true. My eyesight is getting worse. Like, really worse. I'm a little freaked out that my best friend is having a baby and when I see her it will be the first time that it won't just be the two of us. And it will never be just the two of us again. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live in a Brad Paisley music video. I am an exhibitionist at heart. I underestimate my creative talents but get pissed off when others do the same. I love Pop Rocks. I also love sea monkeys. I want to create rock candy jewelry. I have nothing of substance to say, but I felt the need to put a stream of thought out into the world.
Will you give me a peek into your stream of consciousness? No editing, no "composing". Just a few thoughts on your brain as of late...
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Here is that peek into my conscious:
ReplyDeleteI have been feeling down lately, and blogs like yours have been helping me realize that I am not worthless. I really want a kitten. I feel like I have been in this limbo between high school and college for about three years now, and since I have always been so much younger than everyone around me, I'm not sure if I will ever really fit in with either group. I am in an incredible amount of pain from my wisdom teeth removal. I really need to buy clothes, but I am still secretly scared to go shopping because I don't want to be disappointed, again.
Well, there you go. Thanks for posting your honest thoughts. They really are inspiring.
Sometimes I live in my life so much and I get stuck in my own head for much that I wonder if my words help or touch anyone ever. Thank you so much for commenting, and sharing. I'll continue to post and write a little more just for you:)
DeleteI like these kind of posts. They are honest and inspiring but you incorporate some humor. "I offer them the option to go fuck themselves" For some reason the way you wrote that made me laugh out loud.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'm quite brave enough to post my stream of consciousness in the comments section ... but I do try yo write like this as often as possible ... just getting everything out. - Love this blog and the inspiration it brings! There's always something relatable posted.
ReplyDelete- tianna :)
I think I'm going to do this on my blog in the near future - I love the honesty and the spew of thoughts, without organization or perfecting it. I can agree with a lot of what you've said. Great post!
ReplyDeleteThanks steven. I'm so glad youre here:)
DeleteI've got some new recipe in the oven and it smells like it's burning. But I know it's not. It's just that the oven is dirty. Along with the rest of the kitchen. Along with the rest of the apartment. Along with my entire life. I swear. Lately it feels like my life is slipping away from me. Like I have no control or say in it whatsoever. But I still like my life. Just some days it doesn't feel like it's mine. That sucks. That feeling really, really sucks. But baking is a good way to get my mind off it. I can focus on creating something. In a way, baking is my art form. I've tried painting and poetry and it just doesn't bring as much ease as baking. It's more natural to me I guess. I wish I could just somehow find a lump of cash and open my dream bakery today. But I can't. I have to go through school. I have to push through this major that I'm not really feeling. I have to get a job that I won't really be passionate about. And I have to put away money little by little and pray that life doesn't get in the way. I just want to do one thing, and it feels like my whole entire life is in the way of it.
ReplyDeleteIts remarkable how baking can just take you away. Its cathartic for me too:)
DeleteThis is amazing, and so incredibly honest. I stumbled onto your blog through the I Am Proud of my Size link-up, and now that I'm here I don't know how I haven't found you before. Thank you for all your amazing pieces of writing! I have to confess, I've been moved to tears by your blog more than once this morning. :)
ReplyDeleteStacey, thank you so much. It always energizes me when I hear that:)
DeleteI love this, and now I know what to do on this otherwise pretty boring Sunday. but I don't believe that anything is ever unedited (we all edit as we think)... so lets's see...
ReplyDeleteI suppose for some its harder than others. I type pretty fast, which is so wonderful because I can usually keep up with my sporadic thoughts:) If you post it, I would love to read it:)
DeleteWow, a tough challenge. Especially since my mind sometimes seems to be thinking 9 things at one. I applaud your ability to put thought to paper!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree about being kind to assholes- why bother? Sometimes people are all like 'dont make it awkward' or 'try and give them a chance' but like, I used to do that, and I just ended up being screwed over time and time again, so now I just have zero tolerance for people who play games and blatantly, in obvious ways, hurt other people.
ReplyDeleteGreat post :) I might do this as a blog post later.
xo
http://kittysnooks.blogspot.ca
I am all about helping people, but the hard truth is that when people hurt other people unapologetically, most of them are unwilling to change. I feel no need to go out of my way to be kind. Diplomatic? Sure. Kind? Nope.
DeleteHonestly...I'm terrified of being unedited, I never was before, as a teenager I was loud, outspoken, obnoxious, I was me. Now I'm a wife, a mother, alone and I don't know how to deal with it, all I wanted, all I cared about was being independent, standing on my own two feet not needing anyone or anything. Now I feel like I can't function without these people that have become my life and it terrifies the shit out of me. I haven't driven in 8 years and now that strong outspoken kid who moved across the world on her own has become an adult who can't even cross the street without her heart beating ten times faster. What the hell went wrong...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what "wrong" entails but I have to wonder what "changed". Are you able to go back in time and find out where it started?
DeleteI don't think I'd ever want to go back, I'd rather move forward, although anything is better than being stuck. I think it's been more of a process than a specific moment in time, it's easier to ignore it than to face it but then sometimes (often) you just stumble upon people/situations that shove it in your face. I think for me this is really a good opportunity to re-evaluate my life and what I want/need it to be. Thank you for being one of those people to shove it in my face, even though it's easier to ignore, that doesn't mean it's better. I need to find myself again, even if I'm someone else than I used to be, at least it's me.
DeleteWhat's on my mind today?
ReplyDelete"Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap! What do I have to do for school? What do I have to do for Team Green? When do I have this meeting? HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THAT RED TAILED HAWK OUTSIDE!"
Literally, that's what's going on up there. A bit whacky, but it's cool. I'm still chaotic, and I try to meditate, but that doesn't work. I still bounce off the walls, but switch on a moments notice and hide in a corner and sob like a baby. I miss seeing my fiance everyday, and I hate third shift more than ever now. I want to save the world and I want to save mankind, but piss me off on the road and I'll be a total bitch and torment you. I want to cuddle with my cats all the time. I don't want to lose any of my cat 'cause if I do I will go into a downward spiral. Something will pick me up, but who knows what that'll be.
I'm tired.
Jes, reading your posts de-stress me. Thanks. =D
Every night I go to sleep and think "My life could drastically change tomorrow. Am I ready for it?". People keep asking me if I am ready to have this baby...physically, yes. My body hurts and I'm exhausted and I walk like an old lady with arthritis and bad hips. I have maybe 10, at most, outfits I can still fit into and sadly this only includes one skirt. I can't see my lady bits but I miraculously was able to paint my toes and (half) shave my legs yesterday. Am I prepared? Yes and no. And also, did I mention I'm scared pants-less? My precious vagina will stretch to 10cm in diameter (think the size of a bagel!) and I have to completely trust my body and the doctors (and myself) that everyone knows what they're doing.
ReplyDeleteI'm scared I will lose my identity. Or maybe I'll find it in more clarity, that's scary too.
The colors on the mountains are changing already. I have a pumpkin nutmeg candle burning and it smells divine. I have no idea what to have for dinner tonight or any night for that matter. I still have dreams about my ex, and I hate them. My stupid heartburn is back and it makes me ornery. I roll my eyes at the sob stories on the reality shows but get teary over the first ten minutes of animated films. I feel like I'm playing house all the time, having a husband, paying bills, washing dishes and watering my plants in hopes I don't kill or mess up any of them. I still don't have a pediatrician for my baby. Oops.
I feel like the more I do, the more things I realize I can't do. It's a very inadequate feeling. I'm not even a mom yet and it's overwhelming to think about. And that many of my friends, who are my age, have 2+ kids. ::mind blown::
The mister is good to me. He reminds me of all the amazing things we have, I have, in this life. I have the degree I want, no student loans, very little debt, an AWESOME job where I make a difference and play all day and get paid for it, I have a wonderful, kind husband, a beautiful house, food to eat, a healthy and (relatively) easy pregnancy, and the bestest friends and family a girl could have. AND! I've kept my bonsai tree and orchids alive! I'm very lucky. I need to remember these things and more. always.
I should write another letter to my baby. Tell him lots of things he should remember, like how I'll love him even if he hates me, to never EVER hit or hurt a girl/woman, don't let your underwear creep above your pants and playing with your penis won't make it fall off or disappear so stop sticking your hands down your pants.
Usually, I would apologize for talking (ahem, writing) so much and usually the other person would say "don't worry about it" and it validates me a TEENY bit and lessens my embarrassment of my rambling habit. But I'm not going to apologize...
this time :)
sometimes i love you so much it makes me cry.
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