25 THINGS FAT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T DO: #8 BE STRAIGHT


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25 Things Fat People Shouldn't Do is an unabashed middle finger to the preposterous idea that any human who weighs more than the status quo does not deserve to live a full and well rounded (ahem) life. The list of 25 is composed word for word from direct lists of sheer assholery found on the internet. These range from the absurd to the profoundly shameful, and I will be disproving this offensive notion with style. Feel free to join in on the fun, and if you do, link at the bottom so I can share. May the Chub Club live long and prosper!
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OHMYGAH, I'm so annoyingly sappy right now.

It's not often I gush about my Him, so lets call this your Christmas present to me and allow it for a second mmmkay? While my relationship is far far far from perfect, it is beautiful, comfortable, silly, meaningful, progressive and fulfilling. I love it so. K, tha'ts all I've got.

I'm not sure exactly why fat people aren't allowed to be straight. I vaguely remember that they weren't allowed to be gay either, so I think its just the concept of being sexually attractive to a partner that they have a problem with. As in, if you're fat, you're not worthy of attention. Whatta bunch of cocksuckers, y'know?

That being said, I will admit that I am most insecure within a relationship. I wonder, worry, fret, self loathe and become depressed more often when I have reliable and predictable companionship than when I am single, foot loose and fancy free. This brings a lot of my glaring self esteem issues to the surface and forces me to deal with them simply to keep my partnership healthy and to allow it to progress. Its a necessary evil, I suppose.

I remember reading a few comments in the xoJane article where women (understandably) complained about how self love stories always involve a male. I want to share my reply, because I feel as though its applicable here:




So there are my two cents. I wrote above that the difficulty was similar to being single, but as I've evaluated since writing that... for me it IS harder.  I haven't been cured by a relationship; it's in fact the opposite. But as I've worked my ass off in my continuing journey to self acceptance, I've started to accept the fact that He thinks I'm beautiful on the inside AND out. So yes, it's really really hard to be a fat woman in a straight relationship, but I would imagine it's hard to be fat in any relationship regardless of your orientation or gender. Relationships in general are just hard. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna cop out.

I'll share a few other cute and blurry photos from our sweater donning kitty torture session. WHY do they hate dressing up so much?!?! They are really missing out on all of the fun.


So if you want to join in, your challenge I suppose, is to be sexually attracted/attractive to someone else. Doesn't that sound so weird? Like, fat people got so hungry that they ate their sex drive or something. None of this makes sense. This whole LIST doesn't make sense. Whatever.

I would challenge you to post about your relationship. Either with a partner (gay, lesbian, straight, whatever) or yourself. You can find YOU sexy, and it counts. And in the end, we have to love ourselves in order to love anyone else anyways... so it's a good place for all of us to start. If you post about being fat and worthy of love (yours or someone elses) post a link to it in the comment section. I wanna read.

22 comments

  1. Hi Jess,

    Thank you so much for posting this! You are absolutely right, almost all of the plots in novels or films that involve self acceptance portrait self acceptance either as an instrument to "win a man" or as the result of a relationship with a man.

    And you are absolutely right - it's SO much harder to do the whole relationship thingy when everybody around you tells you that you are not worthy of love. Fat people who dare to love are so often shown as stupid people who still have a lesson to learn, who still need to learn that nobody will fancy them because they are fat.

    In my teenage years I was absolutely convinced that I would never have a relationship - just because I was fat. Whenever someone showed the slightest bit of interest in me I panicked - because I seriously thought: they know that this is impossible, this is obviously a joke! When I look back today I get very sad, but also angry with my teenage self - how could I be so stupid? so full of self-hate? I have lost out on so much because of this.

    I still struggle with this issue - every day of my life. When I started to write about body politics on my blog I knew that I would eventually have to write about sex and relationships and this is still a problem for me. I have STARTED to accept myself as a fat person who desires other people but I still am barely able to acknowledge my desire.

    If you would like to read my first posts on body politics, here is the link: http://qarolinesqonundrums.blogspot.de/2012/10/the-body-politic-essay-no-1-food.html

    Thank you so much again -

    Love, Qaroline

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    1. Sorry - somehow the link got broken: http://qarolinesqonundrums.blogspot.de/2012/10/the-body-politic-essay-no-1-food.html

      Love, Qaroline
      http://qarolinesqonundrums.blogspot.de

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    2. Quaroline, thanks so much for writing.

      I know the feeling. Being stunned that someone thinks I'm sexy and then wondering whats wrong with them.

      Its hard, but working on liking yourself is the only key. If only it wasn't SO HARD!

      xoxo

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  2. I just found your blog today and I'm sad that it hasn't been in my life before right now. This post did inspire me to write my own post at my awesomeness.......http://girlanachronism003.blogspot.com/2012/12/i-love-me.html

    Thanks for your wonderful blog and for helping me get out of a little rut I've been in lately with body issue and relationships. I recently joined an online dating site, which is like a playground for people who feel the need to bestow their judgment on others. Sigh.

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    1. Oh man, that's rough. There are good ones out there, and it's worth the trial and error.

      xoxoxox

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  3. I was a little disappointed in Eat Pray Love for the same reason, however it was the story of her life so it's not like it was some fictional thing. Have you read her follow up book, Committed: A Love Story? It's more of a sociological view of marriage than a narrative, but it is fascinating nonetheless and in many ways I enjoyed it more than EPL.

    Strive to Thrive,
    Nic
    www.Thriving-Wives.com

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    1. Ooooooooh! I'd love to read that! Thanks for the name!

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  4. You're friggin' adorable with your Him and your cats. And I love that you love you. I was thinking, instead of being straight as the thing fat people couldn't do, I thought that it's more like being in love. That could either be with themselves or with another.

    Anywhooo, everyone should find love. It's the most magical thing to be in love! (and I'm not saying that it has to be love between another person, love with yourself is pretty freakin' magic!)

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  5. I actually hated Eat Pray Love. Although I didn't read the book and am only judging from the movie (which I am sure is nowhere as good as the book, as usual). But it rubbed me the wrong way. It just felt like yet another story about privileged white girl problems. The cultural appropriation part just made it even worse.

    Anyho, back to the point of this post... I can relate to this in some ways. I struggle way more in a relationship than outside of relationships for some weird reason. I'm much more secure and confident as a single person. I'm actually really happy when I'm single. In a relationship, that's where I have to do a whole lot of work (worth it though)! So it's always a bit odd when I see certain people saying that their partner "cured" them and made them love themselves. It just doesn't work that way for me at all.

    P.S You look AMAZING in that black dress!

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    1. Lots of people had the same feeling about EPL. Totes.

      Relationships are a lot of work, and not just in the way everyone means it.

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  6. Holy shitaki mushrooms. You're SUCH a hottie. And like, I am insanely blown away by your massive love for yourself and acceptance of that GORGEOUS body. You are an inspiration to me. I'm SO THANKFUL I found your blog today. xoxoxo

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  7. Be straight, be in love. Be happy if you find someone who is able to love you the way you deseve. I'm fat, straight and happy in love. Thanks god!

    P.s: Beautiful couple.

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  8. You are so beautiful, all around! And from a shallow perspective: I think you have THE Greatest face (do I sound creepy yet?) with the best cheeks/cheekbones and the best smile! And you and your Him are extra cute and wonderful together, especially with the kitties thrown in the mix. I just got a melty-heart looking at these!!

    Yeah, I guess I am happier (About myself, physically anyway i guess) single than I have been in my past few relationships. But that was because one repeatedly commented on my having gained weight, ("Your face got fatter since I first met you" "Whoooo's my chubby bunny!" Etc.) and the other never once told me I was beautiful or anything - so I thought for sure there must be something wrong with me if the guy i was WITH didn't even think so. Stupid train of thought, but it did happen haha. Assholes.

    Great post, as per usual :)
    Xo
    http://kittysnooks.blogspot.ca/

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    1. "Assholes".

      Haaa! For realz.

      And so not creepy... Thank you my dear.

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  9. The damsel in distress archetype is something that has always pissed me off to no end. And that this trap can also be applied to our mental states; that we need our minds to be "saved" (from ourselves? or from the big bad?) is just tragic. Nobody is in charge of your happiness but yourself, and nobody can make you feel like shit without your permission. I wish just once that a woman's self discovery had nothing to do with her love life, and had everything to do with her sense of SATISFACTION in all aspects of her life. Sexual, cognitive, what-have-you, I just want to read about a woman saving herself and always, always knowing better than to take it for granted (which is, I feel, the real trap in happily ever after).

    In other news, your over the knee tattoos make me swoon. I've been real hesitant about getting more ink (really want to wait to work with the right artist, which is hard to do in the middle of nowhere... plus I figure it's there forever once it's done, what's the rush)but you make me want to go out and get 'er done. Well, if only I could think of any other phrase to have tattooed on me than "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy" (Miss Frizzle is my lifetime sensei).

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    1. That is probably the best quote I have heard this year. Especially in this context.

      LOVE.

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  10. Oh. My. God. I love how your push stereotypes and put an 'unbashed middle finger' to the things that are injust and stupid, if everyone did that the world would be a better place honestly. Good on you - I love this section so very much.
    Isabella xo
    http://sincerelyisabella.blogspot.com.au/
    PS. I agree with the commenters above, you look great!

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  11. just wanted to say you are stunning lady! wild curves!

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  12. That bit where you suggest that actually, your boyfriend isn't the reason why you now like yourself, but is a product of liking yourself and then finding someone? EXACTLY! I've been forced to try to adopt two different identities, both of which were very much insulting to me, and horrible in and of themselves. One is that I should just accept being single because of the fact that I didn't like being single, didn't like being on my own. This meant that I was inherently too fucked up to be in a relationship, because obviously, I wouldn't want some one to share my life with if I wasn't a co-dependent, desperate fat victim of a woman, looking to be "validated" by a man. When I started online dating, I was fed that "you are just trying to validate yourself" line by more than one of my thinner friends, and I was so insulted that I no longer find myself close to these women because of that simple phrase: You shouldn't date because you are trying to validate yourself. The other identity I was subtly told to embrace was either being a lesbian or asexual. This one was pushed on me by my guy friends, who would flirt with me, but, if I showed signs of being interested in them, I was treated like I was some kind of gorilla in a dress, making unwelcome advances to men outside my species. Instead, I was told how cool it would be if I was a lesbian and I could go cruising for chicks with them, or was told that my flirting didn't actually mean anything, that it was just words, with no real sexual content behind it. Mostly, I guess because those who flirted with me meant nothing by it, so I must be the same. For those who gave me some credit, they said I didn't act female enough, didn't dress up enough, wear enough makeup, or do my hair in the correct way to "attract a man." I must be asexual because I came across as being too gender neutral. Seeing as how I was also being pressed to wear baggy clothing by my mother, who felt I should "cover" myself completely, there wasn't a whole hell of a lot I could say or do to defend the idea that actually, I was sexy even though I was aware that I should be absolutely ashamed to show my body.

    I found the love of my life when I realized I was so damn sick of people telling me, directly or indirectly, that I didn't deserve to be loved because I'm fat. I had definitely adopted the attitude that I was worth way more than the crap I was being given, and that those who did not treat me that way were the ones with the problem, not me. It took me decades to realize this but when I did, wow. I met Richie quickly, almost as if some kind of cosmic force was waiting for me to realize my self worth, and had held him aside to offer up as a reward for finding my own value. I knew he was special from the beginning because of the way he treats me: Like I am a woman, not a thing, with feelings and thoughts that are important, and that I am, most of all, worthy of his attention and life-long devotion.

    So thank you for posting this, not just to throw up the middle finger, but to help point out to others who don't "get" what a good relationship can really mean, regardless of whether they have a significant other or not. Good love is always something to celebrate, regardless of whether it is between a man and a woman, two women, two men, two people that don't really do that whole "gender" thing, and regardless of how the two people in question look to those outside the relationship. I am sure that people think I am too fat for my boyfriend, who is taller and skinnier than me. I am sure there are looks. But I don't see them in his presence, and I don't care when I am with him because I'm happy.

    I swear, you always leave me thinking "damn that woman must be made of awesome and nougat!" Because, seriously, I think you really are made of awesome and nougat, or some other really yummy thing!

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