GUESS WHO'S GOING TO WRITE ANOTHER BOOK?

THIS GAL, THAT'S WHO!

I've been wanting to share this for ages! Now that the paperwork is done, the details have been decided and all of the signatures were accepted... IT'S OFFICIAL! ANOTHER BOOK IS HAPPENING!

It's memoir about living in this fat body. About growing up in this fat body. About having sex in this fat body. About always trying to be smaller, navigating casual dating, being visible on the internet, trying to figure out HAES, ruining relationships, not ruining relationships, traveling the world... all in this fat body. And ultimately, it will be about learning to own a body that was never mine to begin with.

I don't have a title yet. That part can't come until it's written, strangely enough. But it will in Spring of 2018 through Seal Press. I'm ready to tear my heart open and write until I'm raw, y'all.

I'm so grateful for this opportunity- for this to be my job for a little bit. And I have all of you to thank for that. Thank you SO much for your love and support... you make all of this possible. I owe you a million hugs and kisses.

I'm also curious: what do you feel hasn't really been covered in the size acceptance conversation? What do you wish we could talk more about? Maybe even- what do you feel alone in?

I'd love to know. 

If I ever disappear, just know that I'm simply swimming in memories and refreshing my word count every other minute so do not fear. I'll be back 

P.S. I can almost guarantee none of us are as alone as we think. 

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LIVING THE DREAM AT 250 POUNDS // BY VIRGIE TOVAR

(via Chubstr)

"Living the Dream at 250 Pounds" is an essay written by the spectacular Virgie Tovar for Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (own it already) and is easily one of my favorites things to read. It's also really fun to perform or just read aloud for your own benefit. Juuuuuust putting that out there.

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I have a major fucking problem with diet culture.

I can give you my technical, academic definition of “diet culture,” but let’s skip that for now. Diet culture is the voice in your head that tells you not to eat that cookie with an urgency that feels life-threatening. It’s the reason you shared that piece of cheesecake with not one, but four of your closest friends—and why you guys still left the last bite. It’s why grown women lie on the fitting room floor with bloodied finger tips attempting to zip up a pair of jeans. Diet culture is the reason weight loss is at the top of everyone’s New Year’s resolutions lists. Everyone hates dieting, but we still feel this thrill when we eat a carrot or get our dressing on the side. And even though we pay our bills, own cars, hold jobs, have children, and manage relationships, every day we allow diet culture to treat us like we’re five-year-olds who can’t make decisions about when or how much to eat.

That thrill is no accident. That shame is no accident. We’ve learned to feel these things through a sophisticated system of rewards and punishments. Some call it oppression. Some call it conditioning. Some might even call it Stockholm Syndrome. Let’s just call it bullshit for short. And that’s really where my problem resides: that bullshit begets bullshit. That’s what diet culture is and always will be. Diet culture is bigger than any one individual diet or dieter; it pervades almost every facet of our lives. I urge you to try and imagine going one single, solitary day without hearing someone talk about weight loss or calories or fucking gluten. Can you do it? I can’t. And I live in a feminist bubble in the middle of San Francisco! That’s how you know something is a culture—when it’s unavoidable and you’ve stopped knowing or even caring about why there are rules, but you follow them anyway.

I used to follow these rules, chasing every diet trend, calorically restricting to the point of making myself ill, and feeling that blissed-out joy when I lost a pound. For a long, long time I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted anything else, and I believed life would begin later. I would wear a bikini later. I would be happy later. I would fall in love, wear cute clothes, feel beautiful, wear red lipstick, travel, enjoy cake, smile in pictures—later. Then one day I had a major breakthrough. I was sitting at my kitchen table, feeling really good about myself because I just done this intense workout. I was panting and sweating profusely, and I was dreaming about the day when I would be thin enough to eat dessert. So I asked myself: How much longer until I can eat some damn cake?

A year? No.
Five years? No.
Ten years? No.

I kept going like that in my head until I reached the end of my life, and I realized that was the answer. The dieting might never end, because if I stopped I could gain weight, and in my mind that would have meant I had lost. That would have meant my life was worthless. I truly believed that being thin was the most important thing I could ever achieve. I believed that once I became thin my world would change, that everything would make sense, and that I would literally be perfect. This is called “magical thinking,” and the suspension of disbelief is the engine upon which diet culture runs.

Dieting was many things to me: It was often difficult and soul draining, but it also made me feel good and, somehow, safe.

I realize now dieting was my way of communicating to myself and others that I wanted to be “normal.” 

Dieting was my way of communicating my understanding that my fat body was unacceptable and shameful. It was my way of communicating that I understood a woman’s role is to be small and totally obsessed with how little space and resources she could take up. Dieting represented a way I could create meaning in my life, but the problem is you can’t create meaning by obsessing about kale or calories or what the tag on your pants says.

Dieting is about forever placing our eyes on a future where our goal is to be someone we are not, and never living now. Dieting is about obedience and submission—to a rule that says you are worth nothing more than the number on your scale. Dieting limits our lives. In the rules of dieting lives the centuries-old legacy of the second-class citizenship of women. These are the same rules that have kept women from achieving amazing things for too long. The truth is that a woman who is singularly obsessed with how she looks will never be an independent woman.

We deserve more than that. You deserve more than that.

And that was the biggest realization I’ve ever had: that my body is mine, this life is mine, and no bullshit set of rules is going to take that from me. I no longer sweat at my kitchen table dreaming of cake and joy and love. Now I am a wearer of short skirts and red lipstick, an activist dedicated to eradicating diet culture, a lover of fine French and Italian pastries, a world traveler, the proud owner of seven two-piece bathing suits, a San Francisco bohemian who adores pedicures, cheetah print, and Chihuahuas, and couldn’t live without huge accessories and huger sunglasses. At 250 pounds, I’m actually living the life I was convinced only dieting could give me. The thing is: Diets were never going to give me that life.

Only I could.

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WHY WE LOVE TO MOCK, LAUGH AT, AND HATE ON FAT BODIES

I've talked at length about one of the reasons we see so much hatred when it comes to fat bodies. In short it comes down to something I decided to call "body currency." This means: we are promised value, success, and happiness if we achieve our "perfect body." When someone says: "I'm valuable, successful and happy!" and doesn't have, doesn't want to work towards, or doesn't care about this standard... we often feel like they are cheating the system; that they're cutting in line. You can (and probably should!) read more about this concept here.

Another reason we find ourselves “in hate” with fat people has to do a lot with how they are represented (or, rather, NOT represented) in the media. When fat bodies do appear (significantly less often than slender bodies do) in television shows, movies, political comics, literature, and animation, they are consciously presented in highly curated ways, all of which are meant to initiate knee-jerk reactions. They give us a limited way of processing fat people and none of the presentations are particularly positive. This is why we often have (what feels like) "natural" negative reactions to these larger bodies.

Lindsey Averill, co-producer of Fattitude: A Body Positive Documentary, has done extensive research regarding the problematic portrayal of fat figures in pop culture. She shared her findings in an interview with Refinery 29: “There are 10 to 15 archetypes for fat characters. But, they tend to be problematic, meaning outside the normal sphere of culture. Fat characters don’t have average experiences or stories. They don’t have their own stories at all. They’re the subplot.”10 These canned archetypes are not actual people, like Melissa McCarthy (for example), but rather characters Melissa McCarthy plays. The fat archetype can range from the Best Friend, to the Hypersexual or the Asexual (as Averill mentions), to the Slovenly Roommate and beyond, but there are three very general fat person tropes that I personally find to be very present and harmful: the Stupid Fat Person, the Funny Fat Person, and the Evil Fat Person. Allow me to illustrate:

The Stupid Fat Person: 

One of my favorite examples of this character is perfectly demonstrated through the comedy duo Abbott and Costello. There is a thin person and a fat person . . . and when it comes down to intelligence, guess who’s the idiot? You guessed it! Costello. Other examples of stupid fat characters include Patrick Star from SpongeBob SquarePants, Peter Griffin from Family Guy, Curly from The Three Stooges, Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Dudley from Harry Potter, Eric Cartman from South Park, and Homer Simpson of The Simpsons. Nodding your head yet?

The Funny Fat Person: 

Oh, how we love to laugh at fat people. Thousands of memes have been created just for this form of entertainment. Comedians often play off of this archetype, something found in even the earliest comics. A perfect example of the funny fat archetype can be found in another classic duo: Laurel and Hardy. One thin, one fat. The fat guy often becomes the main butt of the jokes. Other fat and funny characters include Fat Bastard from Austin Powers, Chunk from The Goonies, Harold from Hey Arnold, Peter and Meg from Family Guy (many MANY fat characters appear in multiple categories), Mikey from Recess, Eric Cartman from South Park, Homer Simpson of The Simpsons, and Miss Piggy from The Muppet Show.

The Evil Fat Person: 

And last but certainly not least is our evil fat villain. Some of these characters provoke moral outrage, some laughs, and others sheer disgust. It’s always easy to hate the nefarious fat person: Ursula from The Little Mermaid, Penguin from Batman, Slug from Marvel Comics, the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Big Dan Teague from O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Eric Cartman from South Park (the trifecta!), countless mob bosses (pictured here: Al Capone. Characters we create often follow suit and are larger- think Tony Soprano), fat cats, and of course, the most gluttonous of them all, Jabba the Hut.

It’s important to note that not all stupid, funny, and evil characters are fat; many are thin or fall somewhere in between. What is problematic is when we see fat characters, they fall into these negative stereotypes more often than not. Thanks to these common and prevailing tropes, we are repulsed/ humored/angered by fat people because our reality has no other frame of reference in which to sort them out. For the most part they are not positively represented in the media, so when we see fat people happy, in love, feeling worthy, achieving success, or engaging in any positive activity . . . our brains break. A FAT PERSON WHO ISN’T MISERABLE OR TRYING TO BECOME UN-FAT? We don’t know how to process this information. We don’t understand. The unfamiliarity is uncomfortable. We feel confused . . . and this often leads to mockery, anger, and yes, hate.

A simple way to start to change the way "fatties" are represented is to take the narrative into our own hands and show the world what’s actually real. We can take our own unscripted images and share them all over the Internet—a tactic similar to “culture jamming,” and an effective technique for countering fucked-up societal standards. BUT, if we want to do something a little simpler, we can just live a visible and unapologetic life cram-packed with fulfillment, happiness, and joy. All of these things challenge the warped versions of fat that our world sees and offer those around us a new paradigm in which to process larger bodies.

It’s really that straightforward, and eventually we’ll get there. I’m hoping the rest of the world will join us soon.

(This is an excerpt from "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls" which, 
if you haven't picked up yet, well... you probably should.)

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Like this blog? Then you'll probably love my book Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls. TNOWTFG "is a manifesto and call to arms for people of all sizes and ages." Learn more here.

Want to hear me speak? I'd love to visit your campus or come to your event! You can find more info here or you can just email me at themilitantbaker at gmail.com. Cheers!

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THE TODAY SHOW CLIP AND WHY IT'S A BIG FAT DEAL

I'm in love with Morgan Radford, just so you know. And it's not just because she's kind, educated about discrimination or a fucking joy to be around. It's because she was the reporter to highlight fat positivity on the Today Show in one of the most positive ways I've ever seen.

In case you missed it, NBC sent a crew to San Francisco to interview me about my book "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls." We sat in The Booksmith under hot lights for over an hour discussing everything from whitewashing in the media, to how to find love, to fat tropes we see in television, to the controversy around health and body shape. 

When she greeted me, it was with a hug and a "I started reading the book on the plane and OMG, I have so much to learn from you." A far cry from the skeptical curiosity that I usually encounter from journalists who work for large platforms. I'm always grateful for the chance to share the message of body acceptance, don't get me wrong... but to be greeted with enthusiasm about something so controversial? Mind blown.

I joked at the end of the filming to the crew that I hope they would be kind in their editing of the footage; "I'm hoping you don't cut it to say 'Everyone. Should. Diet!'" They laughed and promised they wouldn't but I assumed it was the same kind of promise Savannah Guthrie made when I asked her if she was going to ask a trick question on the live "Attractive and Fat" interview. She said "Oh honey, I ran out of those a long time ago!"

She did not run out of those a long time ago.

That said, I'm well aware that of course the draw of all shows lies in the tough questions and ultimately I'm happy to answer them. When Morgan asked "You say that you're not a better person if you eat carrots, and you're not a "mess up" if you eat pie. What about those who say it IS better to eat carrots?" I honest to god rubbed my hands together gleefully and I replied "Ooooooh I LOVE these questions!" and proceeded the long drawn out explanation of health, classism, racism, food deserts, etc etc etc.

I'm not telling you this because it's fascinating to know what goes on behind the scenes; it's all pretty basic. I'm telling you this because it's important to know that The Today Show had every single opportunity to make this a "sad fatty" interview. They had every opportunity to make me out to be a victim. They had every opportunity to make the message appear to be hopeful but delusional. BUT THEY DIDN'T. One of the most viewed morning television shows chose to show the message in a positive and incredible way. This only goes to show that while we still have so far to go... YES, body acceptance is here to stay.

A quote about this popped up in my Facebook feed from a much loved fat activist named Stacy Bias that says it much more eloquently than I ever could:

"Jes is totally doing this right. Her answer to the 'health' question is spot-on and manages to get all that complexity in there in a really manageable and relatable way. This isn't the usual 101 level message that has been sanctioned by the mainstream and even so, the piece here is positive and uplifting and the counterpoints take up very little room in this overwhelmingly supportive coverage. I'm so stoked for this work!" 

And THIS dear friends is why the Today Show clip is a BIG. FAT. DEAL.

Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls is a book that tackles often avoided topics like: ageism, disability, racism, health bias, "unhealthy fatties" and mental illness. It's not supposed to be popular. Yet it's often listed as the #1 New Release in Self-Esteem on Amazon. It also often pops up in the top 10 list of all best selling Self-Esteem releases... always following 6 or 7 of Brené Brown' books. Seal Press has already started the second round of printing because the book nearly sold out before it's release date. The #FatGirlsCan trailer was covered a dozen times, endorsed by Ashton Kutcher and has 48k views. All of this in addition to a spot in national morning television. 

I know this sounds like I'm bragging. I won't lie; of course I'm BEYOND thrilled. Not only because my blood sweat and tears lie in between that cover (and because someday in the distant future when royalties show up I can finally buy a cool latex dress. Or a root canal. I can't decide.) but also because this is all I have ever wanted as an outspoken advocate online. Ever since I started blogging, my goal was to make radical body love accessible for everyone. To share the message in words that were be understandable and would meet people where they are at. To take the concept of body positivity outside of the super political feminist circles (which are of course wonderful) and offer it to people like: the teenagers at the mall, the women who haven't had sex with the lights on in years, and my grandma. It's a fine line to walk; between extreme activism and palatable messaging... but it's happening, bitches. It's happening.

Body positivity in the last few years has officially become a "trend." It's been picked up and hugged tightly by women's media. It's all over Buzzfeed, Upworthy and other pop culture-y sites. And while some bemoan this mainstream popularity because it leaves the grassroots culture behind (and, oh, I get it), I personally am thrilled. Because now everyone can hear it. And because it's no longer a secret. And while there is still violent backlash, there is also a shift towards body acceptance in a way we've never seen before.

Make no mistake- I'm not saying that I'm the one who has made any of this happen. There have been pioneers of this message for decades, who have tirelessly climbed uphill without the support of media and 10 TIMES the criticism. THEY have made this happen, and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm just here because of them and I'm here to take that message of self-love to every fucking person who wants it. And I know you are too. Cheers to our army of body lovin' warriors!

And y'know what? Lets also toast to a million more "tough topic tackling", body positive Today Show spotlights in the future. 

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Like this blog? Then you'll probably love my book Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls. TNOWTFG "is a manifesto and call to arms for people of all sizes and ages." Learn more here.

Want to hear me speak? I'd love to visit your campus or come to your event! You can find more info here or you can just email me at themilitantbaker at gmail.com. Cheers!

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THINGS NO ONE WILL TELL FAT GIRLS: THE BOOK!

I gathered all the info you'll need and put it IN ONE PLACE! Because I love you.

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Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls is a manifesto and call to arms for women of all sizes and ages. With smart and sassy eloquence, veteran blogger Jes Baker calls on women to be proud of their bodies, fight against fat-shaming, and embrace a body-positive worldview to change public perceptions and help women maintain mental health.

With the same straightforward tone that catapulted her to national attention when she wrote a public letter addressing the sexist comments of Abercrombie & Fitch's CEO, Jes shares personal experiences along with in-depth research in a way that is approachable, digestible, and empowering. Featuring notable guest authors, Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls is an invitation for all women to reject fat prejudice, learn to love their bodies, and join the most progressive, and life-changing revolution there is: the movement to change the world by loving their bodies.

Order Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls now!

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WHO IS THIS FOR? 

"If you are a person who has spent your entire life feeling horrible about your body and you think that self-hatred kinda sucks, this book is for you. If you’re interested in this totally bizarre concept called body love that you keep hearing about on Upworthy and BuzzFeed and you wanna know what it’s all about, this book is for you. 

If you’re intimidated by academic texts but still want to have a conversation about body love, this book is for you. If you feel the need to hold something that says you’re a valuable person (just as you are, right now) and reading websites just doesn’t cut it, this book is for you. If you need a refresher course on why loving your body is not only possible, but critical, this book is for you. 

If you’re a “fat” chick (who might be scared of that word) and is convinced that your body is bad and holding you back from living an amazing life, this book is for you. If you’re looking for a book that might offend your sensitivities at some point and has more italicized and capitalized words than you know what to do with . . . this book is SO for you.

If you are a person with a body who is tired of being shamed and told to shape up, slim down, camouflage, alter against your will, or make apologies for your body . . . THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU."

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Order Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls now!

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THE #FATGIRLSCAN CHALLENGE (AND THE THINGS NO ONE WILL TELL FAT GIRLS TRAILER)

I could not be more overjoyed to share the Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls trailer with you. It's something that my buddy Steve and I have spent countless hours on, that dozens of Tucson bad-asses have rallied for, and something that my favorite babely internet fat gals have contributed to...

It's also all about my favorite thing that no one will tell fat girls: THAT FAT. GIRLS. CAN.



FAT GIRLS CAN: wear horizontal stripes, run marathons, dance, find love, have a family, do cartwheels, do yoga, wear a bikini, make art, model, find their dream job, cannonball, travel, kick box, fly, belly dance, sail, have hot sex (with the lights on!), pole dance, cosplay, lift weights, play the lead, save lives, rock climb... and be wildly successful.

They can!
And we do.
And we will.

WANT TO JOIN IN ON THE FUN? Here's how:

To participate in the #FatGirlsCan challenge:  

1.) Think of something that someone said you couldn't do because of your body.
2.) Take a photo of you DOING that thing that someone said you couldn't.
3.) Tag that photo on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram with the hashtag #FatGirlsCan. 
4.) Celebrate your awesomeness. 
5.) Repeat #4 as many times as you like.

I'm going to revel in your awesomeness over here- and post pictures of you doing what they said you couldn't- ALL WEEK LONG until the actual publishing date of Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls- October 27th. Inspire the shit out of me ladies (and everyone else!). You can- you totally can. And you already do. So document it with #FatGirlsCan!

I can't wait to show the world your power. I can't wait to celebrate your body and resiliency with you. I can't wait to show the world THAT WE CAN, GODDAMIT.

#FatGirlsCan. Forever.
(Check out the Facebook album of all the things YOU'RE ALREADY DOING!)

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Don't forget to check out my tour dates so you can come celebrate your magnificence with me IN PERSON! And if you haven't nabbed the book yet, you can still catch it here! I love you. Never forget.

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Want to hear me speak? I'd love to visit your campus or come to your event! You can find more info here or you can just email me at themilitantbaker at gmail.com. Cheers!

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THINGS NO ONE WILL TELL FAT GIRLS: BOOK TOUR DATES (UPDATED!)

This book tour just got real. I announced the three giant cities (okay, Tucson isn't giant) a while back and since then the tour doubled in size! Because: Lane Bryant offered their stores and support for book signings in Boston, Philadelphia AND Seattle. Bostonians, Philadelipians, and Seattleites (I'm making this shit up right now- forgive me) REJOICE! I'm coming to see you and hug you and sign things and it's going to be glorious.

I'm really super-de-duper grateful LB's support because it means three kick-ass things: #1.) Because Seal Press is a small feminist publishing company (just the way I like 'em), their resources are limited. Limited = 3 cities which is rad. BUT NOW THERE ARE MORE PLACES TO SEE YOU! I can't wait. #2.) This is probably the most radical thing Lane Bryant has done when it comes to inclusivity- this book is uncensored as shit, and I'm in awe that they're thumbs upping it. I'm also blushing. Pretty hard. #3.) I'm excited to reach their customer base, many of whom either: haven't heard of me or I terrify them (I'm teasing) and they all could use a good dose of Jes! I'm coming for you plus ladies, and we're gonna have a grand ol' time.

IN ADDITION to these six book signings, I will also be SPEAKING twice and I really want you to come.  If you're around Reading or Oxford come join us for the lecture that inspired this book! I want to make you laugh and answer your questions and listen to your stories. So get your ass there, OKAY?

The deets:

TOUR DATES!

10/27 San Francisco, CA Booksmith 7:30pm

10/29 Boston, MA LB Braintree store 5-7pm
(^ With Storybook Cove Booksellers!)

11/2 New York City, NY Bluestockings 7pm 

11/3 Philadelphia, PA LB King of Prussia store 5-7pm
(^ With Towne Book Center & Café!)
11/4 Reading, PA Penn State Berks 7:30pm
11/5 Oxford, OH Miami University 7pm

11/6 Tucson, Az Antigone Books 7pm

11/13 Seattle, WA LB South Center Square Store 5-7pm

Someone needs to wish me luck with the whole "five events in five cities in five days" thing because... well, shit. It's gonna be a ride. WILL I SEE YOU THERE? I can't wait!

P.S. If you have a book, I wanna see it! Just tag it on FB, IG, or Twitter with #FatGirlsCan and I'm ON IT!

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A GRATUITOUS THANK YOU NOTE FROM ME TO YOU

Friends, 

I'm sitting on my living room floor with (a cat or two and) 160 of your names/addresses in my hand. I'm getting ready to send you some sharpie love via postcard and I'm getting increasingly emotional as I read your names and where you all hail from. You amazing people are from everywhere... nearly all 50 states, in fact. You also come from France, England, Australia, Canada, Germany, Ireland, Switzerland and so many more. 

Holy fuck, I love you all so hard.

Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your touching emails. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for surviving in this world when it makes it as difficult as possible to do so. Thank you for your gifts of positivity, strength, and kindness. Thank you for spreading those things across the globe. And thank you for being a part of all of this with me... I couldn't do it without you.

xoxo,
Me

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Like this blog? Then you'll probably love my book Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls. TNOWTFG "is a manifesto and call to arms for people of all sizes and ages." Learn more here.

Want to hear me speak? I'd love to visit your campus or come to your event! You can find more info here or you can just email me at themilitantbaker at gmail.com. Cheers!

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THAT ONE TIME I WROTE A BOOK AND KILLED LOTS OF TREES

Guys, I killed at LEAST a dozen trees for you.

Writing a book was one of the easiest and most enjoyable things I've ever done.

Oh. Wait. I forgot it's against the rules to lie on my blog. Okay. How about this: writing a book was one of the most excruciating, exhausting, demoralizing, and seemingly endless things I've ever done.

Yeah. That's more like it.

There are so many people who work for ages on their books. Jenny Lawson spends several years on hers, and I have ridiculous respect for that. I wrote mine in 3 weeks. I wrote the entire first draft in 3 fucking weeks. I do NOT recommend this.

I was so bogged down by previous obligations and obsessing over potential (and I was convinced- inevitable) failure that most of the time beforehand was spent mentally sorting out the content and wondering if this was going to be the worst thing ever published. It still might be. No promises. Now I'm officially 9 weeks in, I had other activists look at it... and they liked it. And maybe, most notably, it made my Mom both laugh and cry. So I guess it will probably be okay.

I mean, worst comes to worst: at least people can use it to prop up a table leg. Right?

Enh. Maybe.

Before I started, I excitedly (and naively) prepared two super special work desks. I decorated them with plants, post it notes and highlighters... only to find that the only place I could work was on my bed. On my bed, hunched over my computer on a plank of wood balanced between a stool and my mattress. It was REAL classy. I also originally planned to break up a 9-5 work day into structured segments but I quickly realized that this was an idiotic idea. I ended up working until 2 or 3am and sleeping until 1pm after remembering that I've never been productive in the mornings. This unsophisticated process progressed and soon I was a living breathing hot mess, hidden away in my room for weeks at a time. I would work for 11 hours and sleep for 11, only to wake up exhausted, feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Or a bus. Or 20 baseball bats. Sure. That.

Eventually my boyfriend started cooking me well rounded dinners every night so I wasn't purely subsisting off of Trader Joes prepackaged Asian Peanut Salads. I still love them for the record, though I was infinitely grateful that out of the two of us, he was the one with the cooking skills and time. I was also grateful that the nice people of Trader Joes stopped asking me if I was having a party and started smiling at me knowingly every time I'd check out with a cart full of salad, coffee and wine. I started taking quick drives late at night blaring Blank Space to get my energy flowing again so I could come home, switch on Lost Room and type away for another 5 hours. I still haven't figured out how 60 thousand words can take up so much time.

Half way into the process I started celebrating when I shaved my legs every three weeks (it's amazing to me that rubbing a razor up and down two legs can become an insurmountable task) and I became best friends with the girl who worked the graveyard shift at FedEx; I'd crawl in there at 2 am repeatedly to pick up a printed copy for scribble editing. I also gave FedEx all my money. I typed the words fuck and fat more times in two and a half months than I have my entire life (a combined 341 times in case you're wondering) and I thanked god every day that I didn't have children because I don't know how others manage to do this when they have to take care of miniature humans.

Two weeks in. Note the very functional plank:

I finished every season of Covert Affairs, Agent Carter, Scandal, Arrow, Agents of Shield, Empire, Perception, Person of Interest and The Suits by listening to and half watching them as I wrote. It was the perfect way to convince myself that never leaving my house wasn't all that bad; this tactic does come recommended. I fretted over typing something that would offend someone and so I scoured my document countless times, only to remember towards the end that offending someone somewhere was inevitable. I kept my phone by my bed for my fallingasleepthoughts (those are the important ones) so I could record them and then make my boyfriend transcribe them; I only trusted him with my jumbled ramblings full of long awkward pauses. I took more melatonin than I care to publicly quantify.

I read and re-read, judged and re-judged the manuscript so many times that I started to forget what the book was even about. I worried that I would say something unforgivable and be excommunicated from the body activism church. I all of a sudden wanted to write a million blog posts, clearly as a distraction technique while I tried to find the ovaries to tackle the chapter that terrified me. I wrote it and it still terrifies me. I forgot to take down my Christmas tree until March. I took the printed out versions on countless plane rides, elbowing my seatmates while trying to fix the choppy sentences. I read Brittany's post on writing and let out the biggest sigh of relief when I realized that that all of this was normal. At times I wanted to laugh at how ridiculous all of this was, and other times I just wanted to cry.

I'm not saying any of this to give the false perception of humility. I felt incapable of the task so often, but there were also moments of documenting very personal stories and loving them muchly... but the doubt? Often overwhelming. I am told by other people who have done this, that it is also completely normal.

I find this to be relevant:

But, all of that being said, I'm forced to admit that it was also mentally rewarding, inspirational and clarifying. Writing this forced me to put things I've previously avoided into words. It helped me consolidate my thoughts and decide what was important. It reminded me that this message is critical- especially for me to remember. My passion was sparked when I read other brilliant people's thoughts on body love. It gave me the boost I needed to overhaul my presentations and learn to love them again. It revitalized my purpose.

I also find this to be relevant:

(via)

My editor titled the book: Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (though it's certainly relevant for all bodies) and it's going to be out this September. I'll be sure to show you the cover and tell you whats in it when we get closer (add yourself to the email list if you don't wanna miss it). I turned in my final draft for line editing on tonight, and my part is now (mostly) done. I'm so glad it's almost over, though I know I'll want to do it all over again the second I hold it in my hands. Someone told me that in that way it's like having a baby, but it's not like I would fucking know. I'll probably cry tears of both relief and extraordinary happiness after September. I'll probably show every stranger that walks by me for weeks. I'll probably make a lot of enemies from people I don't know while doing so.

I'm beyond grateful for a life where I have a purpose. Where I'm somehow successful at and love what I do. That some publisher took on my proposal and walked me through the complicated process. I know I'm fortunate. And I'm grateful.

Fucking tired.
But grateful.

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