WHERE I'VE BEEN AND WHAT I'VE LEARNED




Oh, hi. I'm still here. Standing, breathing, creating, and living. It's quite a pleasant surprise seeing as I didn't think I was going to make it through this month... No, really. See, I had to take some time to sift though the shit storm that was my life for a minute. And being the overachiever that I am, I also had to take the time to learn a few profound lessons. So where have I been? Read on, little blogger. Read on.

I've been coping with internet assholery. I am strong, and I am resilient.  But I am also human. The humility gods seem to think that I need to learn this lesson repeatedly... painfully grinding the message into my soul. But I think I finally got it, okay guys? Jesus. I spent the day of reading the hateful comments feeling secure in my right to love myself; finding the beauty in something so ugly. But a few days later due to extraneous and unrelated circumstances... it wounded me. It wounded me bad. This is now old news to me, but then it was the tipping point and I didn't feel strong at all. And I had to bring myself to realize that it was okay; that I could be hurt by cruelty and not be weak. Humans have emotions, and I am the same as everyone else. But goddamnit... I thought I was an invincible superhero.

I've been attending a body positive book club. Yeah, you heard me. My friend Liz owns a plus size boutique and approached me about starting a book club on the last Friday of each month. I'm pretty sure I squealed when I read that email. The turn out was wonderful, and included lots of shapes and sizes with a healthy amount of large ladies that I love. We decided to start with Health At Every Size, which seems like a dense read... but totally worth it. Oh yeah, and the book club is called "Curvy Maven's Radical Reading Circle". And there's booze. Winwinwin, amiright?

I've been loving my hair. I feel at home in my blonde asymmetrical bob. I love it. That's all.

I've been battling my eating disorder. This is hard for me to talk about. I tend to binge quite often when I am stressed/depressed and it isn't ever an overtly conscious decision. I just find myself eating pizzas, and craving cake pops 24/7 and then feeling physically ill by consequence. It's brutal and once it gets going, it seems to endlessly spiral. I have to take extra good care of myself, making sure I remember my medication, to eat right, follow up with appointments etc. to counteract the imbalance. Though it has currently stopped (triggers were removed from my life), I must remain hyper vigilant in my self care. Pizza makes me feel like shit (though it tastes so good), and physically feeling like shit is just too much when you already mentally feel like shit. You feel me?

I've been surviving a devastating breakup. My Him is now just A Him, and this was almost more than I could bear. Almost being the operative word though. I have had an outpouring of love from my large group of female friends that has left me stunned and in happy tears. This resulted in 15 friends gathering for a "Jes Rally" party last weekend to just show that they adore me. I couldn't ask for more. The Him is out on his own, trying to work on his illness so that his brain allows him to love me fully again... the next four months will be an experiment, but we've decided to move on until further notice. It's difficult; we all know how it goes. Still the love of my life.

I've been falling in love with wine. Part of the outpouring of love from friends included "care packages". Lots of them. And guess what they all included... mhmm. So, I've been listening to Janis Joplin, painting, and feeling the Merlot warm-and-fuzzies at night. It's just lovely.

I've been attempting to NOT make enemies with my body. One of the parts of The Him's brain being broken showed itself in a confession that he hasn't been attracted to me for a year. This was a kick in the back of the knees, ninja style. I was able to acknowledge that it was just the illness destroying his vision and that it wasn't me and my body... but JESUS my years of internalized shame almost kept me from making it through. Dear Shame, you're a fucking bitch. Xoxoxo, Me.

I've been wrestling with my warrior boundaries. This whole concept of tripping over my feet repeatedly has been rather unsettling. I am one of the strongest women I know... and so to be so easily wounded left me feeling even more vulnerable. But just when I feel the most fragile, I go back and read this quote, and feel okay all over again.

I feel overwhelmed with the growth I've made in the past few weeks. The lessons have been profound and powerful. I've learned that cultivating a support system is one of the most worthwhile things a person can do. And by giving of yourself to others, you receive just as much back. I've learned that friendships can be mended. I've learned that I follow the 7 stages of grief in perfect order. I've learned that there are men who are happy to verbally affirm that I'm fucking gorgeous just the way I am. I've learned that there are men who aesthetically prefer "thick" ladies. What a world. I've learned that being vulnerable is an inescapable human experience, and that it can make you more powerful in the end. I've learned that cats make the best roommates. I've learned that it's okay to be sad and grieve the loss of your love. I've learned that life is short, and everyone deserves to work towards fulfillment. I've learned that art is my therapy. I've learned that blonde is not boring. I've learned that I am not sexy despite my body, but BECAUSE of my body. Its a marked difference. I've learned that when you open up to the world, the world opens up for you. I've learned that I have a full and meaningful life... and that is all I need.

Any lessons you've learned lately?

31 comments

  1. *hugs* sorry to hear you're goiung to such a rough time. I'm sending over all good vibes (and wine ;).

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  2. This definitely is a post of ups and downs…I feel the same kind of way recently… the beginning of february seems to just be that kind of time.. At the moment I'm learning that productivity is the key to happiness… you get back what you give out :) I'm really enjoying my new found vigour for learning and have been reading some really interesting things and am going to concentrate on pushing myself further in my blog posts, so they're occasionally actually about something meaningful… blogs like this have really inspired me!
    I hope you sort things out with the him, whether that includes you being together or or it doesn't. Oh and fuck the haters… but you know that!
    Dulcie x
    p.s Your blog is one of the only ones where I can actually be bothered to read through longer posts! I'm really lazy, so thats a big compliment...

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    1. I love those kind of blogs too:) And I'm diggin the Beyonce post;)

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  3. Thank you for sharing dear. You are such an inspiration to me.

    I am learning a lot of lessons. The main one is that things can get worse than I could ever imagine them getting and I can still live through it. I don't know how long I can life through it, but here I am in it. I'm not happy, not at all. Most of the time I'm in internal agony, but hey, I'm still here and that's something.

    Anyway, enough of that. Your merlot/paint/Joplin nights sound dreamy. I think you are lovely and wonderful. And I wish you all good things.

    xx, C

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    1. Sometimes, Catherine, I think that all we CAN do is survive. I'm sending happy brain hugs your way. And feel free to email me if you ever need a listener:)

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  4. Talk about having to contend with A Lot!

    I have escaped the nastiness of the evil internet trolls (for now) - I seem to be under their radar.

    I am grateful you are a body positive blogger - more women should jump on board. TV shows and commercials actually irritate me now ... you should lose weight, you need to be on this diet, this pill, blah blah blah. Enough! Body positive bloggers will rule the world ~ soon!

    Your hair is tres adorbs - and the Mr. needs a swift kick in his arse. There is no reason to treat anyone that way, or waste YOUR time.

    Thank you - for sharing this post.

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  5. You had a full plate on your hands for sure, I'm so sorry to hear about some of this (the book club sounds AMAZING!). The comments people leave are incredibly assholery, people have nothing better to do that rain on others parade for sure. I to get effected by negativity, I try not to, but I have feeling so it happens from time to time.

    You are such an awesome amazing beautiful person who rocks that hair like no other! I love your body and seeing your face light up my screen. <3

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    1. Thanks Jess:) And the book club IS amazing. So much so! I feel so fortunate to be a part of the newly forming body love community here in Tucson.

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  6. i'm glad you are back, though i'm sorry you were having such a rough time.

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    1. I'm glad I'm back too!!! And I feel so much better nowadays. I took the proper amount of time to process and heal.

      Oogling your latest thrift finds...

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  7. Beautifully written. I'm happy to still see you writing! And I've been yearning to join a book club! Cats make the best roomates, but not the best book club ;) This week I've been concentrating on the idea that every human has something beautiful within them (hippie-ish I know, but I'm taking a class called Contemplative Life, so there you go). And hurray for wine! I love merlot fuzzies :D

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  8. Jes, I'm so happy that you're such a strong woman. You said that you are the strongest woman that you know. Yup, you're totally right, I think you are the strongest woman ever.

    I'm sorry for all of the rough patches. If I could be there to give you a super huge hug, I would. Actually, I wouldn't mind some tank top weather, it's been frickin' chilly in Wisconsin!! And I would love to join that book club of yours. Granted I have a lot of books that I have to read for school, I think adding wine is a very awesome variable. =D

    100% agree that cats are the best roomies ever. Even if they spread the kitty litter everywhere, haha.

    A lesson that I've learned recently? I need to stop taking everything on and focus on the awesome things that I got already (I refer to all of my extracurricular activities at school).

    Glad you're back, the internet has been a little lonely without your spunky posts =D

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  9. I love your writing. I think you're great. I am glad to hear you are moving through all this tough stuff with such grace. Yes, wine = grace.

    Do you read this?
    http://www.thedirtynormal.com/

    If not, oh lawd. So good. Like, life changer. The stuff about emotions? Wow.

    Also, same brilliant effing writer, but not scientific... a story (start with #1):
    http://rnadamswrites.wordpress.com/

    xoxoxoxoxo

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  10. I am sorry to hear that things have been shitty lately, I was wondering where you had gone. But you have trucked through it and come out even better on the other side. And you are still a fucking superhero! (to me anyway).

    I hope that you and HIM can work through things, maybe you just need some time apart.

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  11. I'm so sorry about the rough patch you've been going through, but you'll be okay in the end, I know it. Breakups suck so bad, but I can honestly say I've grown so much from mine. I've learned to love myself even more.
    I hope you two can work things out, especially with the time you're spending apart!

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  12. My goodness. That's an awful lot to handle :( Thank you for being so open about all that you're going through. If anyone can handle this kind of rough patch, it's you!!
    <3

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  13. I'm sorry to hear that things are shitty lately. But, I want you to know that you are awesome, and amazing, and have been an immeasurable help in my path to self acceptance! xx

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  14. Based on this post alone I would say you ARE a superhero!

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  15. I am glad to see you pop up with a new post in my reader again, but I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. You are a boss queen and will come out even better from everything though, that much I can tell.

    xoxoxoxoxo

    P.S. I haven't been learning anything other than all I want to do in the winter is hibernate and be sort of sad and very lazy and unproductive.

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  16. Oh wow, you were gone so long I remember thinking that I'd unfollowed you and then I thought "Wait, why would I do that?" I'm glad you took some time for yourself, and I hope that things continue to get better. You're in my thoughts right now.

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  17. UGH, I'm sorry you've had such a rough time of it. I went through a pretty crappy break-up a while back and a lot of what you're saying resounds with me. Sending you hugs from England, and thank you for continuing to be an inspiration, I haven't been following you long but I can honestly say you're my favourite blogger, and a real example to me. My wine of choice is Shiraz, and let me tell you that beautiful glugging noise of the first glass was the best tonic in the dark months, and the lighter ones too! Take care Baker, and let the positivity shout louder than the shit!

    All love,

    Hannah

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  18. That's a lot to go through, but it sounds like you're doing well! I went through a breakup recently and it's still tough, but it's been amazing being "selfish" and doing what I want and catching up on some projects I've abandoned. I didn't realize how much me time I needed to catch up on.

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  19. shit girl, you continue to be so inspiring. sometimes (a lot of the time?) being brave is such a bitch. you do it in style. so glad i found your blog!

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  20. I have also been struggling with ~*stuff*~ and have realized that I really need lady friends. My thoughts tend to set themselves into a horrific cycle of making me feel like I am worthless which, in turn, makes me not want to get out of bed and not contribute to the world.

    Take care, Jes. If I were still in Tucson, you'd better believe I'd be joining that book club!

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  21. Wow. Just wow. Your honesty floors (and awes) me. Thank you for that. Truly, you ARE a warrior, to be able to go through those things talk about them, and keep living the life that makes you happy. And in doing that, you're showing the rest of us how to be warriors, too.

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  22. Stand your ground lady!
    Federica

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  23. Totally feeling you on this, Jes. You are an amazing lady, and shit yeah, we all get dragged through the crap at different points in our lives.

    Heartache sucks. Period. Just know that there are a whole lot of us out here in the "interwebs" rooting for ya and sending you love.

    And for the internet a-hole(s): "Karma's a bitch."

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  24. You have been an inspiration on so many levels to so many people. It must be hard to forget that you are more important to so many than you will realize. Just because people don't comment, doesn't mean they don't read. I refer to your blog CONSTANTLY when helping to guide people into loving themselves. Girl, you are the shit, and sometimes you are gonna feel like shit. Think of it as a snake shedding its skin so it can grow.

    Trolls are a fact of life. They are there in real life, and with the dawn of the internet age the cloak of invisibility that the internet provides, they are just a constant. Realizing that not everyone is going to love you, but that you don't have to love everyone is a very powerful lesson and is very freeing.

    I am sorry for the hippie verbal vomit, but I respect the hell out of you and was fucking bummed out that you were sad. Hopefully I gave you a smile. Or at least a smirk. Write on sister girl, write on. Now you have to because I said twice like a cheesy western.

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  25. At first I wanted to know who I needed to beat up for making you feel this way! But I actually just want to hug you and drink wine with you. Love you lady!

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  26. Lots of love, girl. Sometimes the hardest life transitions can lead to the most amazing things. You are doing good things for yourself which is so important right now but don't forget to let yourself feel what you have to feel (as if we sometimes can help it!) ;)

    xoxoxoxo
    Jen
    skinnedknees.net

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