Oh, hi. I'm still here. Standing, breathing, creating, and living. It's quite a pleasant surprise seeing as I didn't think I was going to make it through this month... No, really. See, I had to take some time to sift though the shit storm that was my life for a minute. And being the overachiever that I am, I also had to take the time to learn a few profound lessons. So where have I been? Read on, little blogger. Read on.
I've been coping with internet assholery. I am strong, and I am resilient. But I am also human. The humility gods seem to think that I need to learn this lesson repeatedly... painfully grinding the message into my soul. But I think I finally got it, okay guys? Jesus. I spent the day of reading the hateful comments feeling secure in my right to love myself; finding the beauty in something so ugly. But a few days later due to extraneous and unrelated circumstances... it wounded me. It wounded me bad. This is now old news to me, but then it was the tipping point and I didn't feel strong at all. And I had to bring myself to realize that it was okay; that I could be hurt by cruelty and not be weak. Humans have emotions, and I am the same as everyone else. But goddamnit... I thought I was an invincible superhero.
I've been attending a body positive book club. Yeah, you heard me. My friend Liz owns a plus size boutique and approached me about starting a book club on the last Friday of each month. I'm pretty sure I squealed when I read that email. The turn out was wonderful, and included lots of shapes and sizes with a healthy amount of large ladies that I love. We decided to start with Health At Every Size, which seems like a dense read... but totally worth it. Oh yeah, and the book club is called "Curvy Maven's Radical Reading Circle". And there's booze. Winwinwin, amiright?
I've been loving my hair. I feel at home in my blonde asymmetrical bob. I love it. That's all.
I've been battling my eating disorder. This is hard for me to talk about. I tend to binge quite often when I am stressed/depressed and it isn't ever an overtly conscious decision. I just find myself eating pizzas, and craving cake pops 24/7 and then feeling physically ill by consequence. It's brutal and once it gets going, it seems to endlessly spiral. I have to take extra good care of myself, making sure I remember my medication, to eat right, follow up with appointments etc. to counteract the imbalance. Though it has currently stopped (triggers were removed from my life), I must remain hyper vigilant in my self care. Pizza makes me feel like shit (though it tastes so good), and physically feeling like shit is just too much when you already mentally feel like shit. You feel me?
I've been surviving a devastating breakup. My Him is now just A Him, and this was almost more than I could bear. Almost being the operative word though. I have had an outpouring of love from my large group of female friends that has left me stunned and in happy tears. This resulted in 15 friends gathering for a "Jes Rally" party last weekend to just show that they adore me. I couldn't ask for more. The Him is out on his own, trying to work on his illness so that his brain allows him to love me fully again... the next four months will be an experiment, but we've decided to move on until further notice. It's difficult; we all know how it goes. Still the love of my life.
I've been falling in love with wine. Part of the outpouring of love from friends included "care packages". Lots of them. And guess what they all included... mhmm. So, I've been listening to Janis Joplin, painting, and feeling the Merlot warm-and-fuzzies at night. It's just lovely.
I've been attempting to NOT make enemies with my body. One of the parts of The Him's brain being broken showed itself in a confession that he hasn't been attracted to me for a year. This was a kick in the back of the knees, ninja style. I was able to acknowledge that it was just the illness destroying his vision and that it wasn't me and my body... but JESUS my years of internalized shame almost kept me from making it through. Dear Shame, you're a fucking bitch. Xoxoxo, Me.
I've been wrestling with my warrior boundaries. This whole concept of tripping over my feet repeatedly has been rather unsettling. I am one of the strongest women I know... and so to be so easily wounded left me feeling even more vulnerable. But just when I feel the most fragile, I go back and read this quote, and feel okay all over again.
I feel overwhelmed with the growth I've made in the past few weeks. The lessons have been profound and powerful. I've learned that cultivating a support system is one of the most worthwhile things a person can do. And by giving of yourself to others, you receive just as much back. I've learned that friendships can be mended. I've learned that I follow the 7 stages of grief in perfect order. I've learned that there are men who are happy to verbally affirm that I'm fucking gorgeous just the way I am. I've learned that there are men who aesthetically prefer "thick" ladies. What a world. I've learned that being vulnerable is an inescapable human experience, and that it can make you more powerful in the end. I've learned that cats make the best roommates. I've learned that it's okay to be sad and grieve the loss of your love. I've learned that life is short, and everyone deserves to work towards fulfillment. I've learned that art is my therapy. I've learned that blonde is not boring. I've learned that I am not sexy despite my body, but BECAUSE of my body. Its a marked difference. I've learned that when you open up to the world, the world opens up for you. I've learned that I have a full and meaningful life... and that is all I need.
Any lessons you've learned lately?