GROWN UP FRUIT PIZZA. AWESOME STYLE.

 My mom made fruit pizza for every extra special event in my life from ages 8-21.

Yes, even for my questionable 21st birthday party. I could write a novel about how awesome my mom is, but that would take forever so I'll focus on how awesome this fruit pizza is. Besides the fact that it was a nostalgic childhood  favorite, it's delicious with equal parts of crunchy, sweet, fresh, and tart. Its also pretty much perfect for summer picnics.

I made a grown up version, but if we're going to be honest children could make this on their own with supervision. And that's just rad.

This recipe takes three simple parts: sugar cookie crust, cream cheese frosting, and fresh fruit.

For the sugar cookie crust, I might just buy refrigerated dough and save yourself the hassle of getting all the ingredients. OR if you loooooooove to bake and have the access to everything found in a cookie recipe try this one. You overachiever, you.

Use 1-2 cups (depending on the thickness you want) of the dough and press it into a round pan. This is pretty flexible also, so if you only have a sheet pan use that. Or muffin tins, or a pie pan. I used a springform cheesecake pan and it worked awesome. Make sure you grease it, push the dough in (think giant cookie) and bake it for twice as long as the recipe says. Basically, bake it until the top is golden brown. Cool.

I find most cream cheese frosting recipes to be a little on the heavy side, so I stick to my number one recipe... wanna know what it is? Ok, fine. I'll share.

Jes's Kick Ass Cream Cheese Frosting

 8 oz softened cream cheese (not hot, just soft)

1/4 c softened butter

1/8 c sour cream

1 t vanilla

2 c powdered sugar

Using a mixer paddle whip the cream cheese for 2 minutes on high. Scrape, add the butter and mix again for another minute. Add the sour cream and vanilla and then slowly add the powdered sugar while intermittently scraping the side. Pour the frosting into the middle of the cooled ginormous cookie and spread it towards the edges. Top with fresh fruit! I used berries, but you can add mango, pineapple, grapes, apple etc. Oh my god good.

Whats your nostalgic childhood dessert?

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I AM PROUD OF MY SIZE! NO, REALLY

I've been shooting a lot of beautiful women (with a camera lens, silly!) for the Lady Bookworms project and it is SHOCKING how every single one of these gorgeous babes will berate themselves in front of a camera. While taking "boob portraits" someone would say  "Ugh, I don't have much..." or "I don't have anything to show off" or "I'm so embarrassed that they're not perfect". It's hard to believe that almost every single person suffers from some sort of physical insecurity. What the hell?

Ladies. Listen. 

You're perfect. 

Every single one of you, just the way you are.

I've never had boob confidence issues because as a fat girl, boobs are the only part of your body that society allows you love. And, lord knows, I've got boobs until the cows come home. In taking these IPOMS pictures, however, I found myself inadvertently hating on my chin. Or rather, my triple chin. But thanks to these sequential photo-op experiences, I had to stop and realize that no one hates my chin except for me. And no one thinks that these boobs are sub-par except for her/them. It's a completely fabricated mental state of being. In other words: "If it doesn't get thought, it doesn't exist." It's really that elementary, my dear reader.

So I've made a promise to my face. 

I'll stop hating it, and start loving it instead. After all, it does some pretty awesome things.

One of my favorite lines from Regina Spektor says:

"I've got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget...

I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat."

You should probably listen to that song.

Thanks Rachele for inspiring ladies to love themselves just the way they are.

Amy too.

Oh, and Moorea, I'm wearing red lipstick.

21

BLUEBERRY MAPLE BACON SCONES. UH YUM.

This is a delicious upscale breakfast on the go.

This is also the recipe I forgot to put baking powder in today and had to remake. 

Tip: you NEED baking powder.

I have made this scone recipe over 600 times (I'm rounding down and being literal here) so trust me when I say it's tried and true. As long as you make sure you add all the ingredients...

 The Perfect Scone Recipe:

(Blueberry Maple Bacon Version)

2 c. flour

1/2 c. sugar

2 t. baking powder (*sigh*)

Whisk all these together in a medium bowl and add

1/4 c. cold butter or shortening (I'm pretty generous with this)

"Cut" in the butter making the mixture nice and crumbly. I used to use a pastry blender to do this, but I really like using my hands now. Break off small chunks and throw it into the flour and then use the flour to separate the butter from your hands as you crumble it finer and finer. Add your flavored ingredients which this time is:

1/2 c. chopped bacon

1 c. frozen blueberries.

Toss the blueberries in the flour mixture to coat them. This helps with keeping the scones from turning completely purple when you mix them. Add the final ingredients:

1 egg

1/4 c. buttermilk (or milk will do)
1/4 c. maple syrup

I use my hands to mix all of this together until it sticks into a nice not too sloppy ball. Its really perfect if it kind of crumbles when you try and pat it down... if it squishes, you're gonna need to add a lot more flour.

You can sprinkle some flour onto your surface and then pat the dough into a 1-1/2" thick puck. Liiiiiiiike... a hamburger patty. And THEN use a knife to cut it into 8 pieces. 

You cut it straight down like the pie graph below. Lay them out like the next graph so that they have room to spread. Trust me on this... the layout works. I like to brush the tops with some buttermilk and sprinkle raw sugar on top before putting them in the oven. Bake it for 30-40 minutes on a greased pan until a toothpick comes out of the middle completely clean.

They are SO good when they're warm.

The truly awesome part about this recipe is that you can change the ingredients to make any flavor you would like. The difference is of course the middle 1 1/2 cups of flavored ingredients will change (instead of bacon and blueberry try fresh strawberries and pieces of cream cheese!) AND instead of the "1/4 c buttermilk and 1/4 c maple syrup" you would just add 1/2 c. buttermilk.

MY favorite scone flavors are: Jalapeno Cream Cheese. Banana Chocolate Chip Espresso. Feta, Olive, Tomato. Lemon Poppy seed. Pistachio White Chocolate. Lemon scones with lemon curd. But mostly LAVENDER BRIE.

Try the last one and let me know if you love it... I will bet money that you will.

The other nice thing about this recipe is that it can be made vegan very easily by using vegan shortening and soy milk. Same recipe. Same measurements. So delicious.

Do you love or hate scones? Do you have a favorite flavor combination that you'd like to make and share OR see me make? I'm taking ideas here, people.

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