(Via Lauren Warren)
It's been almost four years since Robin Williams passed away, but I remember losing him it like it was yesterday.
At the time, I was working as a BHT in a psych-social rehabilitation program for adults with serious mental illness and the morning that the headlines hit, we gathered in a circle for that day's check-in. This was a normal routine for us; each day our agency started with a "team meeting" where we would discuss personal recovery updates, practice bite-sized therapeutic practices, and implement other related mental health exercises.
The room was uncharacteristically somber and the topic organically centered around the "gentle, kind" man who "seemingly had everything" that was no longer with us. I had already read everything that journalists had written online, but it's a different experience to talk to a room full of resilient individuals who identify with debilitating mental illness - most of whom have had near-suicidal experiences themselves. I wanted to know more about what they had to say than anyone else.
There were stories of personal connection, tears of understanding, voices that spoke to overcoming their personal barriers, and the grief that comes when you know that mental illness affects so many... even those who seemed to be as successful as one could be. We all felt the feelings of loss as well as the heart-rending reminder that not only have we been there too but might find ourselves in a state of hopelessness again. Brains have a way of hijacking our wellbeing even when you're doing the "work"... this was something every person in our seated circle knew far too well.
Similar feelings have no doubt resurfaced for many with the news of losing Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain within a few days of each other. We often find ourselves at a loss when it comes to addressing these events; simultaneously pondering how to talk about it and also wondering what more we "could have done" to halt these kinds of situations before they happen. The harrowing reality is that we may never be able to put a complete stop to something so ubiquitous and painful.
But there are ways to attempt to lessen the burden that so many carry.
Yes, we need to universally destigmatize mental illness, make resources readily available for all (it's important to acknowledge that both Kate and Anthony had privilege/financial access to many resources and that we also need to be thinking about/working for those who don't have these tools in their reach) and have more conversations that unite us in our common experiences. These are large, societal shifts that are being worked on as we speak. If you're one of the people currently doing this work, thank you.
There are also other smaller ways to help; things we can do on a daily basis. My dear friend Sonya Renee Taylor described these kinds of actions beautifully:
"We all need each other more than any of us wants to admit. We must show up more than we have known before. Perhaps more than anyone has ever done for us. We must practice a radical vulnerability with each other. It will not always work. Some of us simply cannot stay. But we owe it to each other to try. Have you asked someone you care about any of these? If not, try asking?
- Can I hold you while you cry?
- Can I rub your back, feet, shoulders?
- Can I make you some tea?
- Can I tell you why you matter?
- Can I call some therapists for you?
- Can I stay with you a few nights?
- Can I listen while you tell me what hurts?
- Can I take you on a walk or drive?
- Can I wash these dishes and tidy up for you?
- Can I remind you to take your meds?
- Can I call your family for you?
- Can I make you dinner/lunch/breakfast and eat with you?
- Can I make a safety plan with you?
- Can I call you every 2 hours, 1 hour, 30 minutes?
- Can I send someone to be with you?
- Can I run you some bath water?
- Can I take your kids for a few hours/overnight?
- Can I get you some groceries?
- Can I come with you to some appointments?
- Can I sing to you?
- Can I hold your hand?
We can send more than love and light. We can try harder for each other and ourselves. Let's make love tangible. Sometimes it is enough to get to another sunrise."
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JUST IN CASE YOU NEED THEM:
A few clickable articles I've written about brains + mental health over the years:
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I'll leave you with Ijeoma Oluo's words of wisdom (that she kindly allowed me to syndicate here) just in case they speak to you:
"Please try to remember that if you are battling depression, your brain is often telling you horrible lies.
You aren't depressed because you are bad or because you don't deserve happiness. Depression picks whomever it wants no matter how funny or kind or talented or loved you are. And depression will lie to you and say that you are none of those things.
It is unfair as fuck, but if you are depressed, you haven't done anything to deserve it and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
You are worth fighting for. And I'm so grateful that you're fighting. And I say that knowing that you shouldn't have to fight this hard, that it's deeply unfair and cruel that you have to. And I know that sometimes your best efforts will have little impact on an illness that often doesn't give a fuck about how hard you are trying. You have every right to be upset and hurt and angry and exhausted about that.
But I am going to ask you, beg you, to fight anyway, because the world really is better with you in it. And because you deserve to win. You deserve to be here in less pain. You deserve life."
Here for you,
Here for you,
P.S. If you have a mental illness, have you ever made a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan™)? If not, I'd highly suggest that you fill one out when you have the spoons available. It's a "self-management and recovery system developed by a group of people who had mental health difficulties and who were struggling to incorporate wellness tools and strategies into their lives." It was developed by Mary Ellen Copeland and you can learn more about it + download it here. 10/10 recommend!
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