One of the items on my Drunken Gin Rummy Goals list was to overhaul my room and yes, it needed to be a total overhaul.

Partially to stop my friend Allison from sniggering every time she came in and saw the miniature pathway carved out of the trash and clothing from the door to the bed, partially because I haven't been able to find a specific piece of clothing in under 15 minutes because rooting around in a mountain of clothes has been my life for years and partially because I'm finally 31 and apparently this is the time in my life where my body is teaching me that I need quality sleep in a relaxing room (with a real bed- not a futon like my 20-year-old self thought was sufficient) if I'm going to stay sane during the daylight hours.

So, the piles of garbage, mountains of cat hair covered, black (after a few months- they turned a very special shade of what I call "feline grey"- it sounds classier than "hairy dander grey") clothing on the floor and backbreaking (and to be fair, we also broke our fair share of it) generic mattress... they all had to go.

Enter: my first ever thoughtfully planned out and executed grown-up bedroom.


I've honestly never had a room this intentional and clean. Ever. My mom, siblings, roommates, and all live-in partners will all passionately (with perhaps a glimmer of revulsion in their eyes) back me up on this.

It's been a long time coming.

In hindsight, I wish I took "before pictures" so you can see what an accomplishment this really is but just know that we filled the entire bed of a truck with garbage and old broken shit that no longer lives in our bedroom. It was quite the accomplishment.

Towards the end of last year, a specialty mattress company named Big Fig contacted me with essentially this pitch: "HEY JES! All your fat friends really love our beds and they're made specifically for big babes which literally didn't exist on the market until now but is really important because you deserve to get more than three years out of a bed and we want to send you one as a present! What do you think?"

My email reply said: "Uhm, FUCK. YES?"

Essentially anyways.

Remember what I mentioned about learning that quality sleep is necessary for me to survive? Well, I didn't need any more convincing to have a bed shipped (P.S. how adult-ey is to have furniture shipped?!? I'm so used to strapping things on cars and praying for the best) over to my house a few months later.

While waiting, I started dreaming of my ideal room decor and if you know anything about yours truly... cats and cacti summarize my aesthetic in two words.

What you may not be aware of however is that my first three years of university were as an Interior Design major... and I was good at it. Like, class representative for the American Society of Interior Designers good. And while I decided that helping people choose which rug they'd most like to spend a thousand dollars on wasn't my jam (and this room is as minimalistic as they come because clutter be gone forever plz!), I've never lost my love of making spaces feel happy.

Combine that love with an addiction to Amazon Prime (I love ordering things from my phone while I fall asleep so don't judge, okay?) and, well... TA-DA HERE'S MY NEW BEDROOM GUYS!

Links, just in case you want a cheery room full of cats + cacti too:

1Cat pillow (+ dog options too!) | 2: Kitten pillow (doesn't shed!) | 3Analog clock 
4Cats and Cacti Duvet cover (I mean, there are sloths + cacti as well so GO HAVE FUN!)
5Cacti candle set  | 6Saguaro lamp 7: Potted succulents (no water needed!)
8Multi-season duvet  | 9Olive bed skirt 10Grey fitted sheet | 11Dark green pillowcases
12Bedside tables (I chose the least expensive option and then spraypainted them white!)  

Real cats aren't included, unfortunately. Those cost a little extra and require a lot of work though I would personally recommend 10/10.

So this bedguys.

I could easily write a passionate 900-word essay and try to sell you this bed really hard right now, but I don't want to.... and to be honest, I don't think I even need to.

Here's what you need to know: it's made for 1000 pounds and will last.  They worked on the sagging, the temperature issues, the durability, the normal weak foundation that usually comes with regular beds... and they fixed all of it. The first night had us cursing the Amish (though their craftsmanship is unparalleled) because we were so accustomed to our older sagging mattress, but a memory foam cover for a couple weeks until the mattress was "broken in" made all the difference.

Yes, we now moan with happy exhaustion everytime we climb into bed at the end of the day. Yes, I'm so grateful to have something as luxurious as a bed made for me. AND YES, IT IS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE FOR FAT SEX. I know some of you are wondering and you definitely deserve to know.

Fat sex. This bed. Match made in heaven.

And of course, I had to jump on the bed to see if it would actually hold up because I haven't felt safe jumping on a bed since I hit puberty.

I would like to report back that it HELD HELD UP FAMOUSLY!

I'm now going to push the post button and climb back on top that beautiful mattressy masterpiece and watch some Netflix because after all that room cleansing + purging I damn well deserve it.

Have you tried Big Fig? Have you ever heard of them? Did you that Ushshi is currently spotlighted as a SLEEPING ANGEL on their front page right now? What would your ideal bedroom include? ARE YOU AS INTO CATS, CACTI AND COMFORT AS I AM?!?!?

I wanna know!

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