Truth: my pretty little head became an emotional roller coaster when the Instafame hit. I started to live on an hour to hour basis, I couldn't comprehend information presented to me, and sleep became a luxury. It was an exciting ride, but there was something that bothered me deeply. One thought that I couldn't shake: "How can I be a role model when I'm so thoroughly flawed?". It really bothered me y'all. Really really really. I felt inadequate, faulty, fucked up, hypocritical, you name it. I felt like I was somehow pulling the wool over The World's eyes; I felt like a total con.
I had a moment of clarity though, way back in June while at the ModCloth mixer. Before showing up I knew that I would be sitting next to some of my favorite blogging idols. Women who's work I had read for years and repeatedly thought "Someday..."
But guess what? When I arrived... I didn't even recognize them.
I said a thank you prayer to the name-tag gods for their sticker invention. Without name-tags I probably would have left without knowing that they were the ladies I loved. Frrealz.
As I started to chat with (and awkwardly hug) all of them I had a stupidly profound realization: THEY WERE ALL HUMAN. Like, just like ME human. Sure, Gabi probably didn't sweat in real life as evidenced by her rocking a polyester jacket in 100% humidity, but as it turns out, she is human too. She's also obviously more photogenic, but lets just say I was trying to make a face to highlight my personality... Yeah. That.
None of the bloggers were made out of pixie dust like I had imagined, but rather out of skin just like the rest of us. And they all ate cookies and laughed like normal human beings. And then they talked. In English and not some beautiful secret "cool kid" language. I was floored. I would even imagine that they make mistakes and have regrets too. ARE YOU HEARING WHAT I'M SAYING GUYZ?
Yeah, I know. You already knew this.
But I didn't and this epiphany melted all my guilt away. I wasn't a con after all!
Yes, I have really shitty days. I make so many mistakes I don't even bother counting them. I fumble, fall, and make a splendid crash while doing so... but so does everyone else. Even Rebel Wilson I would imagine, though I'm pretty sure when she falls, an invisible audience breaks out into applause. But that's just because she's so blessedly funny and everything she does is amazing. She probably is a real unicorn, but I'll never know until I meet her.
So, I no longer feel bad that you like me and I make sure that I blog about my imperfect human qualities as well as the wonderful and extraordinary. And maybe that's the whole reason you think I'm cool; who knows. All I can say is that I plan on remaining my imperfect self forever. It's been working so far.