TOUGH TITTIES: BECAUSE I DON'T OWE IT TO ANYONE TO HAVE "PERFECT" BREASTS (BY CAT R./EX-BOOB GIRL)

(images thanks to Impulse Nine Media!)

My name is Cat, and I’ve had a boob job. More specifically, I’ve had a breast reduction. I am one of the roughly 100% of women who are dissatisfied with their boobs.
For me, it started when I was eleven. I was a savvy tween who’d had the “Talk,” so when breasts began to pop up underneath my T-shirt, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t aware that every girl in my class was desperately hoping this would happen to them, because I knew this happened to everyone. My tom boy style hid my developing body from my classmates until, one day, I wore a different shirt, and everything changed.  The girls at school came up to me and asked if I stuffed my bra, and my best friend who was male, stopped speaking to me. Suddenly, I had new nicknames, each more clever than the last: Stuffy, T.P., Miss Breast Implants, Whore, Slut. Life became hard. If this had been a movie, I would have been the most popular girl in school, but since this is reality, I became a social pariah instead. I was the girl you couldn’t talk to without committing social suicide. The only defining characteristic I had was my cup size. People didn’t know anything else about me; for whatever reason, this one thing mattered and nothing else did.
Things got worse as time went by; verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse. Teachers refused to intervene, at times even accusing me of lying about the incidents. Vicious rumors began to circulate: I was doing drugs and having sex with everyone. None of it was true, and no one cared. My life became a nightmare that lasted most of my adolescence. Middle school came and went and despite switching schools, I couldn’t escape that one thing that made me different. When I began high school, I switched to an obscure little art school that offered smaller classes and hopefully a place that I could find some acceptance. But with every year, my breasts grew larger and larger. They were my identifier. I wasn’t Cat, the redhead, or Cat, the girl who likes acting classes; hell, I couldn’t even manage to be, Cat, the girl who sucks at ballet. I was Cat, the Boob Girl. When people talked about me they would gesture with their hands, to describe how enormously top heavy I was. I wore sports bras stacked on top of each other, and I even tried to duct tape my breasts down to look normal. I dreamt of looking like all the other girls at my school: normal.  


(At 4'11", and weighing 98 lbs, I was approximately 80% boob.)
Post high school, I had a single goal: get a breast reduction. I hated my body, and I knew I couldn’t live my whole life as the Boob Girl. When I couldn’t get my insurance to cover the operation, I paid cash for a breast reduction via liposuction, instead of the more expensive breast lift. The scars would be minimal and because of my youth, my skin would theoretically have the elasticity to adapt to a new size without being saggy. On my nineteenth birthday, I went under the knife.
After the surgery, I found freedom from my identity as Boob Girl. I moved to a new town, and started over, as just Regular Boob Girl. I loved it. But with my new freedom came new problems. My breasts didn’t turn into the perky little wonder boobs I’d always dreamt of; instead, they looked… deflated. My skin didn’t have the elasticity to bounce back after so much breast tissue was removed. To add insult to injury, rapid breast development as a preteen had left my skin riddled with scars from faded stretch marks. I found that I was self-conscious for whole new reasons. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find a way to be happy with the way I looked, and I was terrified of intimacy with anyone. I didn’t want them to see how ugly I was out of clothes. But the bigger challenge was getting friends and loved ones to understand and accept me now that I had “ruined” myself. People didn’t understand why I would give up something that most women wanted.  One guy told me I was a “Communist,” once he found out; significant others would lament that they never got to enjoy me with larger breasts, oblivious to the pain their words caused. Anyone who knew me for any length of time would eventually learn that I’d had cosmetic surgery (the shame!), and feel free to tell me exactly what they thought of my decision about my body. Some people were supportive, but many were not. Most were perplexed, and even angry that I dared to change my body from their ideal. But the constant criticism bolstered me: these were my boobs. Good or bad, it was my decision to make. The more people tried to take me to task for it, the more righteous I felt in my decision. My boobs aren’t community property; they aren’t here for someone else’s enjoyment; I don’t owe it to anyone to decorate the world with huge bazongas, and I’m not a Communist for deciding to look different.

(Today: Happy, healthy, better dressed, and not faking it for anyone.) (images thanks to Impulse Nine Media!)
Today, I have had two kids, both of whom were breastfed. For those who’ve never breastfed a child, it’s tough on titties. My breasts are, as a result, smaller and less perky than they have ever been, and I love it. There are days that I wonder what they would look like if I hadn’t had my surgery. I wonder if they’d be perkier, if my scars would be less visible. I guess the grass is always a little greener on the other side. I may be free from my Boob Girl identity, but I doubt I’ll ever truly escape the insecurities about my body, no matter what size I am.  Ultimately though, I’m glad about my decision. I love being able to wear tank tops, and I feel liberated; I am not the girl who was bullied for her breast size anymore. I’m not alone in being self conscious over the fact that my boobs don’t look like a perky playmate’s. I think no matter what the size or shape, most women want something different. But instead of pining for a rack that looks like every damn centerfold, ever, I hope that you (yes, you!) will start to see yourself as unique and beautiful, because you don’t need to look like anyone else to be gorgeous. Celebrate the things that make you different. For me, my kids are going to be taller, stronger, smarter, and better, I hope, than me in every way, and I know that some of that awesomeness comes from me being able to breastfeed, and making the sacrifices to do that. My awesomely less-than-perfect boobs did that. I earned every bit of sag in those sweater monkeys. Let’s stop being embarrassed by the fact that we don’t look exactly like someone else and start enjoying the things that make us unique. I’ve made a conscious decision to do that, and now when I look in the mirror, I’m fighting past that insecure part that only sees the flaws, and I’m seeing the beauty. I’m complimenting myself; I’m respecting myself. You only have one body; respect it. You don’t have to look like something you’re not. You don’t owe it to anyone to have “perfect” boobs or a “perfect body. You’re scorching hot, just the way you are. So respect your rack, and every other part of you.

21 comments

  1. thank you so much for sharing, i can relate on so many levels. it feels liberating that you are giving this insight, and i wish i can one day be as strong as you are.
    xxx

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  2. Brilliant piece. I have large boobs and hate them. I would love to be able to have them reduced as I get a lot of pain in my rt shoulder due to it. I am glad you have now come to terms with your boobs and accept them as what they are (baby feeders)xxx

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    1. One thing that can help is making sure you are wearing the right bra size (and style).
      FullerFigureFullerBust and a lot of other bra fitting and body image blogs have some posts about it.

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  3. You are absolutely right, it's YOUR body and no one has the right to judge you for the decisions you make about it.

    I can entirely understand where you are coming from, as a young teen I was on the smaller side and like so many young girls I wished my boobs were a bit bigger. Then they grew, jumping up three cup sizes in as many months. I thought I'd be happy, instead I found myself accused for having a boob job (so what if I had), female friends acted like I had grown them on purpose just to upset them by having larger breasts. The boys in my sixth form suddenly started paying me lots of attention under the mistaken belief that bigger boobs meant I was more willing to sleep with them than previously. They did not take it well when they realised this was not the case.

    These days, I am still working on learning to love my body. But, I'm kind of fond of my boobs, at last. So what if they're big and have noticeable stretch marks? It makes buying underwear harder, but they are soft and squishy and I like that. My stretch marks are a sign of growth, which we all experience. They aren't a bad thing (though I still have days where I find that hard to believe). Boobs of all shapes and sizes are awesome, because they are attached to awesome people and their beautiful bodies.

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  4. Well done for sharing. I completely understand. I am 5 foot 2 and also have ridiculously out of proportion breasts. I have longed to have a reduction and just like you my other half can not understand it. I hate the way clothes fit or dont as so often is the case. My one last attempt to accept myself before going under the knife is to try making me own clothes to see if a better fit helps me feel better. Great piece of writing well done xx

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  5. You are awesome.

    I, too, can relate and it's not (fucking) easy. Thank you for sharing your story, both sides of a very interesting coin. And rock on lady. Absolutely rock on.

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  6. I needed this post! I've had pretty bad back/shoulder pain because of my boobs, and I can't wear any sort of racerback for more than an hour or two. I want to consider reduction, but I've been too afraid. I don't like being known as "the girl with the huge boobs from improv" instead of"the president of improv." Thank you for giving me something to think about.

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  7. Oh goodness. I totally relate to this. I remember my mother making me wear a 3X shirt at the beach in middle school because my boobs were too big for me being in a bathing suit in public to be appropriate. Buh!
    They are still big, but because they grew so rapidly as a child, I have terrible stretch marks and what not too. I have often thought about getting a breast reduction and a breast lift.

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  8. This was lovely to read. I know so many people can relate. I'm a fat girl with small boobs. I struggled a lot with that when I was younger and even made a point to tell people I'd met online that I was not a "normal" fat girl, to save them from the disappointment of my flat chest. :/

    Everything's cool now. I like myself a whole lot, haha. I definitely "respect my rack" :)

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  9. Had the surgery done at 25 b/c I was in PT three times a week for back pain from enormous boobs- couldn't wear cute clothes- even the plus sized ones didn't fit me right- had enough of the jokes, the back pain, the feeling bad about myself... had some issues healing b/c I was allergic to the internal sutures but 15 years later so glad I did it!! (I hated everything about myself that year- lost 60+lbs but the boobs, stuck around) now they come and go w/any weight fluctuation and that's OK w/me... especially since I have come to accept myself for me!!

    Thanks for Sharing!!!!

    Shonda
    http://simplyshondaslife.blogspot.com/

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  10. I want to comment that I have a similar reaction for the opposite reason. I, too, have had (elective) plastic surgery and am made to feel ashamed when I have brought it up. Further, I plan on having breast augmentation and a lift as soon as I can afford it. I am healthy and active (run, cycle, hike), a nursing student getting her second bachelors and an adult woman. I don't need anyone telling me what I should or shouldn't look like. I've wanted a boob job for over ten years. It hasn't changed and my reasons are my own. I hate that folx (esp. those who think they are being feminist) tell my how to love myself; I'll do it any way I damn please. I commend you for learning to love your body on your terms; whatever that means.

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  12. Wow! So much of this, I didn't even know you had gone through in those days. I knew it was tough on you but I guess I never noticed the relation. I do recall feeling so bad for you when we would go to the mall together and men seemed to be completely unable to make eye contact with you. Not to mention the various incidents during which police needed to be called.

    I am so sorry for everything you went through and so happy that you are feeling great about yourself today. You deserve it. You are a beautiful young woman and I love you sis <3

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  13. I admire and respect your choice to make decisions about your own body.

    However, please, enough with essentialising and generalising of all women. I am a chesty lass and I don't hate my breasts, no matter how much people (particularly women) tell me that I should.

    Not all women hate their bodies, and I would have thought on a site like militant baker that was self evident.

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    1. I have huge breasts and I love them too. Not because they are perfect because one is a whole size larger than the other, and they sag, and they went through childbirth and breastfeeding and growth spurts and have lots of lines on them, but you know what? They're mine. I was ashamed of them for years, especially after my (disturbed) mother told teenage, large breasted me that "more than a handful" was a waste, but now I try very much to not listen to people like that and to love myself the way I am, big boobs and all. And I wear tank tops :D

      And I also support anyone who wants to change their body. From piercings to hair dye, from boob reduction to boob implants, whatever you want, it's your body and as long as you are doing it from a healthy mindset, I'm all for it :)

      But yeah, just had to chime in as another huge breasted gal who might occasionally bitch about having to buy all her bras online, but overall, does not hate her boobs.

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  14. One of the things I found so fascinating about this post is how different your experience was from mine despite starting out with very similar body types... I grew up liking my over sized boobs, I don't remember anyone ever teasing me about them but I grew up being taught that good girls cover up and that fashion wasn't a worthwhile thing to expend your energy on. I'm still trying to work on that inner voice that says that I'm not allowed to be girly.

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  15. I am glad you found peace with your boobs!
    It's a shame so many people think that they have a right to pass comment (and very often, judgement) on other people's body-related decisions, and the only person who has a right to comment is the owner of said body.
    You look gorgeous, and happy.
    Nuff said.
    Fay :-)

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  16. Thank you for sharing this. I know breast reduction is one of those taboo subjects generally. A lot of people in my family have had to do it for health reasons, but they are happier for it. That doesn't mean it's right for everyone, but it was right for you and them and that's what's important. You can't let other people tell you how your body should look. Be happy with you as you and do what you think is right for yourself.

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  17. I'm so glad you shared this and found a sense of contentment with yourself. I have very large boobs and I've contemplated reduction but haven't done it yet for various reasons. I hate that no matter what, people always feel they have a right to comment on the bodies and choices of others. Ugh. Gag me. And ultimately, having big boobs is not the blessing everyone assumes it is.

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  18. I too have huge boobs and was ridiculed at both school and home over them. I hated them for years. Wore minimizer bras and never let them see the light of day. I always thought that when people saw my cleavage they were thinking 'ew gross!' Instead of 'hubba hubba'. I know better now. I get still get some flack from dh about getting a boob job but I ignore him. It's my body and I like it the way it is.

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  19. I have been trying for a breast reduction (for insurance to pay) for 8 years and I'm finally getting it done on Monday!!!! I was called all of the names in school. I'm in loads of pain every day. Some people don't understand why I would want to get rid of them, but then they don't have a hard time doing things like turning the wheel when driving a car, do they? I'm so excited!!

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