HOW TO GET A SEXY SWIMSUIT BODY IN LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES!


How To Get a Sexy Swimsuit Body In Less Than 5 Minutes:

0:01: retrieve preferred swimsuit
0:02: put on said swimsuit
0:03: look in mirror
0:04: exclaim "HOT DAMN I am one sexy bitch!"

Optional: strut like you just don't care.


 No really. It works. Try it.

Today we stayed at The Golden Nugget surrounded by hundreds of tattooed punk rockers that were visiting for some sort of bad ass bowling convention. I was asked if I was there for the event, and I took it as a complement. I must look like a kick ass broad.

We chose this hotel to check a goal off my list of "2013 Adventures". I mentioned here that I have a paralyzing fear of sharks and because I'm not ready for a shark cage, a reader suggested this pool. Below is my genuine reaction in which I apparently clinch my fists for safety and make ridiculous faces. Guys, that shark had a shit ton of teeth.


The pool also had an enclosed water slide that goes through the tank, and while I was waiting to go down the 8 year old in line tried to convince me they also had a great white. How DID HE KNOW what would cause a meltdown? But it's obvious that I made it out alive, so that's cool. Check, and done.

And because I know you're going to ask, the swimsuit is from Walmart. Though my ethical soul wants to shun them, my fashionable fat chick tends to have the last word. Its amazingly hard to find boob supporting suits in Tucson stores. I also have a bikini, but that's for another post and I'll be sure to share some online favorites as well.

Off to answer emails! Opportunities await.
What shop carries your favorite suits? Do share!

76 comments
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76 comments

  1. ReddMay 25, 2013 at 9:27 PM

    I love this suit, but I was shocked-as-hell that the suit came from Wal-Mart. I want to shun them too, for ethical reasons, but the truth of the matter is I think their plus-size clothing looks frumpy and that is what keeps me away. So it's a good surprise that this suit is from Wal-Mart, but no surprise at all that you look hot in it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Meagan KerrMay 25, 2013 at 9:31 PM

    I love love love your swimsuit! Wish that places in NZ stocked swimsuits this pretty and flattering - fat girl swimsuit options here are mostly hideous prints/unsupportive/have weird ruffles.

    Also, LOVE the location. Never would have guessed that somewhere like this existed! You look super badass, surrounded by sea creatures

    xM

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NadineMay 26, 2013 at 1:53 AM

      Have you been to City Chic? They have some awesome swim suits

      Delete
    2. NadineMay 26, 2013 at 1:54 AM

      Have you been to City Chic? I know they aren't in every town/city but well worth the shop. they also have online.

      Delete
  3. JenniferMay 25, 2013 at 9:33 PM

    Damn you're a foxy lady Jes! And I kind of love the suit as well, even if it is from the pit of hell.

    ReplyDelete
  4. robinMay 25, 2013 at 9:34 PM

    Punk Rock Bowling! It's a punk music festival and bowling competition!

    ReplyDelete
  5. SeraMay 25, 2013 at 9:36 PM

    That swimsuit is awesome! I love the photos of you reacting to the shark. This post has inspired me to try facing my fear (like you faced your shark fear) and wear a suit this summer.

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownMay 25, 2013 at 9:45 PM

    I haven't owned or worn a swimsuit in well over 10 years. Seeing this post just might give me the confidence to do it this year. =) I'm going to try looking at my favorite stores, Avenue and Roamans, for one this season.

    ReplyDelete
  7. RuhsterMay 25, 2013 at 9:50 PM

    I just bought this swimsuit two days ago. I purchased one from Khols but as soon as I got home I regretted the decision. I was randomly at Wal-mart and in a spur of the moment decision tried on this one and the same in pink. I loved it instantly and it made me feel super confident. I bought both of them and returned the mediocre one at once!

    ReplyDelete
  8. UnknownMay 25, 2013 at 9:52 PM

    You look great in your suit! Good for you for getting that close to a shark!!

    I just read of a site that sells suits from size 10-24. I think the name of it was swimsuitsforall.com ???? I saw a couple of their styles and they were way cute!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. RuhsterMay 25, 2013 at 9:52 PM

    I just bought this suit two days ago. I had purchased one from Khols that I wasn't 100% in love with but I needed a new one so I bought it. Then on a random trip to Walmart on a spur of the moment decision I tried this one on. I instantly loved it and loved how confident I felt in it. I bought 2 of the same swimsuit, the polka dot one and the pink one and returned the iffy Khols one at once!

    ReplyDelete
  10. UnknownMay 25, 2013 at 9:54 PM

    yes! i'm liking your steps to a kick arse bikini bod... now... if only cosmo or one of those other generic magazines cos follow suit. xox

    ReplyDelete
  11. Julie McCordMay 25, 2013 at 10:10 PM

    I've just ordered a red gingham bikini from SimplyBe. (Was gonna go navy with white dots, but they were out of bottoms my size. :P) We'll see how that goes....

    ReplyDelete
  12. UnknownMay 25, 2013 at 11:16 PM

    Simply lovely!

    ReplyDelete
  13. UnknownMay 25, 2013 at 11:16 PM

    Simply lovely!

    ReplyDelete
  14. DMay 26, 2013 at 12:10 AM

    You look absolutely gorgeous in that lovely swimsuit

    ReplyDelete
  15. TatianaMay 26, 2013 at 12:38 AM

    I'm suppose to buy a swimsuit next week. I've been putting it off because the whole idea terrifies me. But I think I can I think I can I think I can....no wait...I know I can I know I can I know I can. I WILL face my fear. Thanks for the shot of much needed courage!

    ReplyDelete
  16. HLMay 26, 2013 at 1:34 AM

    Gorgeous! You look superb.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousMay 26, 2013 at 1:41 AM

    Gorgeous! You absolute babe! xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousMay 26, 2013 at 1:53 AM

    Hi Jes, your reactions are so cute! :D
    And I love your swimsuit... I wish I could find a similar one in Sweden but I doubt it (I usually wear a t-shirt to the beach...) :c
    Oh and I just want to say that you're one of the most inspirational people/blogs I follow, I love you! You are awesome.
    Have a nice Sunday~

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ms.MacMay 26, 2013 at 2:23 AM

    Great suit, love that you got it at Walmart. I got a simular style at the below link. Great quality and support and a good amount of fabrics to choose from.

    http://www.esther-williams.com/

    ReplyDelete
  20. AsileMay 26, 2013 at 3:27 AM

    I saw that same swimsuit this weekend, and was thinking about it for myself! (But my daughter convinced me to get another one.) You look totally hot in it, and I love that you matched the hairstyle to complete the vintage look.
    My larger body has worked as a swim instructor and water fitness instructor, so I got over the whole swimsuit issue years ago.. because I needed one to do the work I love, and it had to be one I could move a lot in. (And I second another reader's suggestion for SwimsuitsForAll.com, their selection is FABULOUS, just a little more expensive.)

    ReplyDelete
  21. AsileMay 26, 2013 at 3:32 AM

    I almost got that same swimsuit for myself! You look totally hot in it, and I love how you matched your hairstyle to complete the vintage look.
    I got over the whole swimsuit issue years ago: my larger body used to teach swim lessons and water fitness classes, so I needed swimsuits to do the work I love, and it had to be just as functional as good looking. And none of my students really seemed to care; in fact, I think that some of my adult students appreciated that I looked like them! (I also second another's suggestion of SwimsuitsForAll.com, their selection is FABULOUS, if just a bit more expensive than Walmart.)

    ReplyDelete
  22. MarjoMay 26, 2013 at 4:22 AM

    You are so lovely!!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. UnknownMay 26, 2013 at 5:23 AM

    FANTASTIC suit!! Old Navy has some good separates also ... and (some of them) support the ladies pretty well!! This pool is EPIC!! <3 U!

    ReplyDelete
  24. UnknownMay 26, 2013 at 5:25 AM

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this suit. You wear vintage styles VERY WELL!! :) Old Navy has some nice things that support the ladies, but you have to order plus sizes online. (Don't get me started about that.) Also, if you're looking online. Onestopplus has a TON of styles... I live in South Florida, so it is essential that I have a few to pick from. I'm also not above thrifting for swimmies! :) <3

    ReplyDelete
  25. BeckyMay 26, 2013 at 5:33 AM

    FUCK YOU ARE ONE SEXY BEAST!!!!

    Becky
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  26. Raggedy SarahMay 26, 2013 at 6:03 AM

    That was me who suggested The Golden Nugget! So glad you could make it. Love the pics. I'm in desperate need of a new swim suit. Maybe I'll give Walmart a try.

    ReplyDelete
  27. RachelMay 26, 2013 at 6:05 AM

    LOVE IT! And what a cool pool for a photo shoot! I'm still afraid to be seen in a bathing suit. I really really admire your no-cares attitude.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Alicia JayMay 26, 2013 at 6:42 AM

    Jes, that swimsuit is so cute! You look really retro glam- Vegas makes a perfect backdrop. Hope you get a little more sleep on this whirlwind trip. So happy to see your awesome success!

    ReplyDelete
  29. CharlotteMay 26, 2013 at 7:59 AM

    This is the best :) You are such a babe! I love your suit, I have one similar to it and I'm so excited to wear it this summer!

    ReplyDelete
  30. BobbieMay 26, 2013 at 9:09 AM

    Love Love Love your site!!! We were in Jamacia the last part of April and I wore my BYB (BackYard Bikini) the whole time I was there and I felt GREAT!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. MegMay 26, 2013 at 9:13 AM

    I adore that suit! I suppose I should start giving Walmart a time in terms of their clothing section. Although, Old Navy is where I bought my last two.

    ReplyDelete
  32. maventheavenger aka jamieMay 26, 2013 at 10:48 AM

    Hot Damn! I didn't read through all the comments first, but I recommend Modcloth. They have vintage looking suits in so many sizes. The one I ordered did have support in the cups. Good luck! And let me know when you get up to Portland, let's do a shoot! www.jamiecareymulhern.com

    ReplyDelete
  33. maventheavenger aka jamieMay 26, 2013 at 10:49 AM

    Hot Damn! Try modcloth-they have super cute vintage inspired suits. Great reviews by people who order them. Mine had support in the bra cups. Let me know if you get up to Portland-let's do a shoot! www.jamiecareymulhern.com

    ReplyDelete
  34. NikkianaMay 26, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    I have a super hard time finding bathing suits in stores because I have DD+ boobs. Getting a one piece is generally okay, but to find bikinis is notably tougher. Thank god for the Internet! Online shops like Figleaves and BareNecessities carry bikini tops that are sized in bra sizes AND are offered in cup sizes over DD.

    ReplyDelete
  35. UnknownMay 26, 2013 at 11:51 AM

    The post title made me smile! And the instructions are easy enough to follow! :o)

    I can't believe you actually got to go to the shark pool in Las Vegas! When I read about this place in the comments on the original post, I immediately told my husband about it because I thought it sounded so cool! Well done also for facing your fears.

    P.S.: Great swimsuit, you look smoking!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Katie @ Horrific KnitsMay 26, 2013 at 12:09 PM

    My best fitting suit ever came from Walmart. I want to hate myself for it, but it's an adorable suit. It is an adorable bathing suit that you're rocking.

    ReplyDelete
  37. MichelleMay 26, 2013 at 1:20 PM

    Love this! I'm constantly plagued by swim suit season and knowing that I'm smarter than all the bullshit advertisers are shoving down my throat. Next time I'm feeling in funk I'll be sure to repeat the Militant Mantra: Damn I'm a hot bitch! :D

    ReplyDelete
  38. CassieMay 26, 2013 at 2:51 PM

    That really is good advice. Trying to find swimsuits that aren't skimpy sting bikinis is such a bitch. Whenever I strut my stuff, I'm gonna be thanking you! Plus you look damn good in that swimsuit (and I totally get the Walmart thing).

    Sharks are so cool!!! I want to go to that hotel and swim next to some sharks!!! That sounds like so much friggin' fun!!

    ReplyDelete
  39. francesMay 26, 2013 at 4:33 PM

    Canadian stores which ship to Canada and United States. They often have sales on different items. Addition Elle is more trendy but Penningtons has larger sizes. http://www.1-plus.com/plus-size-swimwear/AE-Apparel-Swimwear,default,sc.html

















    ReplyDelete
  40. CharlotteMay 26, 2013 at 6:26 PM

    You are absolutely gorgeous! ♡

    ReplyDelete
  41. AnonymousMay 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM

    Can I just say I love you as a blonde?? Alright, I love you anyway but really dig the hair!

    ReplyDelete
  42. AnonymousMay 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM

    Love the blonde hair, really smokin' with that swimsuit!

    ReplyDelete
  43. KaylaMay 27, 2013 at 2:07 AM

    Oh my gosh! That pool looks amazing! You look great!

    ReplyDelete
  44. BarniclesMay 27, 2013 at 5:58 AM

    check you out sexy! looking great. can't believe i'm seeing your a & f photos all over the place! :)
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  45. Kirsten ErinMay 27, 2013 at 9:06 AM

    My best friend and I have that same swimsuit! Only mine's black and hers is red! We adore them!

    ReplyDelete
  46. CCMay 27, 2013 at 8:09 PM

    Holy damn that is a bitchin pool!! You're lookin' fabulous as always.

    ReplyDelete
  47. MelRoseMay 28, 2013 at 6:23 AM

    I love reading your blog. Sometimes my confidence is lacking but reading what you have to say totally helps! I saw that pool area from the outside on my trip to Vegas last time. It looks amazing! And as always you look fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
  48. JulesMay 28, 2013 at 3:47 PM

    My heart hurts just to look at the picture with the sharks behind the glass! I anticipate any fucking minute those sharks are going to break that damn glass and devour you. :( not coo, not cool at all. I never even realized I had this fear of sharks until I saw those pictures. I had NO idea they had a enclosed water slide that goes right thru...omg I need a paper bag or something

    ReplyDelete
  49. ShelbyMay 28, 2013 at 10:17 PM

    You look adorable in that suit! Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  50. AllisMay 28, 2013 at 11:22 PM

    I had to leave a comment to say that you're radiating with confidence! You are gorgeous and empowered! As a young woman who has struggled with body acceptance, yo-yo dieting, and "I can't wear x because it will show my gross y" syndrome, I want to sincerely thank you! I am insecure about wearing a bikini; I have stretch marks and a not-so-tight tummy from my weight rollercoaster. This post has given me courage. I'm going to wear a damn bikini this summer. For me.

    ReplyDelete
  51. AnonymousMay 29, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    YOU ROCK IT, SISTER!!!!!!! You are FAB! Keep dispensing this great advice so more fabulous women, like us, can get out of their own way! <3

    ReplyDelete
  52. AnonymousMay 29, 2013 at 10:00 AM

    Whale v/s shark. Whale usually wins!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Rich VailMay 29, 2013 at 1:44 PM

    Hey, I just saw and article on you from USA Today, via http://pjmedia.com/instapundit/169805/. Personally, if I 20 years younger, I'd be running around trying to get to know. You're really quite beautiful. I prefer women with a real figure, who DON'T starve themselves to fit into our society's sick idea of what a beautiful woman should be...you're beautiful as you want to be.

    Also, added you to my blogroll @ http://thevailspot.blogspot.com

    Good luck on your A & F campaign. I've not shopped there in years, because of company hiring policies, "decor", though most of the clothes they sell are to my relatively conservative tastes in clothing.

    ReplyDelete
  54. AnonymousMay 29, 2013 at 2:00 PM

    You are just too damn adorable! We should hang out one day!!

    *And you should think about blocking anonymous comments. People are fucking cruel!

    ReplyDelete
  55. SarahMay 29, 2013 at 10:44 PM

    My best friend promised to take me to the Golden Nugget for my birthday because of my love of sharks, actually. I will hold her to it, too. Haha.
    The swimsuit is completely fantastic, and you look amazing! You're making me wish my hair was long enough for a bit of a beehive!
    And those are quite decidedly the Bathing Suit Body rules, and they are my favourite.

    ReplyDelete
  56. MelodyMay 30, 2013 at 7:01 AM

    I saw that swimwuit in Walmart and thought it was adorable. Too bad I paid like 5 times as much for a similar suit last year! I am always amazed by how much just being confident makes someone beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  57. JenniferMay 30, 2013 at 8:14 AM

    I wore the same bathing suit, in that same pool, last summer, except I got mine at Forever 21, of all places!

    ReplyDelete
  58. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 4:55 PM

    You look fabulous!! You know I don't quite recall where I got my swimsuit. I **believe** it was Value City, which no longer exists and was similar to Walmart. But you look like you were having a fantastic time. Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  59. jorjiapeachMay 31, 2013 at 2:17 PM

    yeahhhhhh!

    ReplyDelete
  60. UnknownJune 1, 2013 at 12:57 PM


    Ever wonder how to keep your favorite bikini intact? Seems like after every summer your swimsuit looks like it went through one too many surf trips.

    Keep your bikini looking new with Jenna, our Swim Designer’s, personal swimwear care tips!

    “Remember to always hand wash your bikini’s in cold water and lay them flat to dry out of the sunshine.
    This will give you the best longevity in your fits and help the colors stay bright.”

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    ReplyDelete
  61. susanneJune 2, 2013 at 7:00 AM

    I love you and your suit. Rock on!

    ReplyDelete
  62. susanneJune 2, 2013 at 7:01 AM

    I love you and your suit. Rock on!

    ReplyDelete
  63. dearsistersofmineJune 3, 2013 at 6:09 AM

    Good LAWD that's a nice suit!
    Looking hot as always, my dear! <3

    ReplyDelete
  64. lauraJune 9, 2013 at 3:41 PM

    Stylish suit from wallyworld? wth?
    Maybe I need to go look closer at what they have

    ReplyDelete
  65. UnknownJune 13, 2013 at 6:39 AM

    I love your suit! I seem to have the best luck on swimsuitsforall.com. They have a huge selection and some really cute ones are usually on sale! That speaks my language!

    ReplyDelete
  66. UnknownJune 13, 2013 at 6:39 AM

    I love your suit! I seem to have the best luck on swimsuitsforall.com. They have a huge selection and some really cute ones are usually on sale! That speaks my language!

    ReplyDelete
  67. RenTaluJune 17, 2013 at 11:18 PM

    Omg, which Walmart in Tucson? I can't find one :(
    - your fellow Tucsonan

    ReplyDelete
  68. RenTaluJune 17, 2013 at 11:20 PM

    Which Walmart? I'm in Tucson too and can't find any plus size suits :( please help.

    -your fellow Tucsonan

    ReplyDelete
  69. Simply-ShondaJune 19, 2013 at 12:09 PM

    Girl!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the retro suit!! And totally did the same thing a few weeks ago-- found a suit I liked and only took one glance in the mirror and was in LOVE with it!! (the one I tried on before it made my boobs look flat!) First time in nearly 40 years I was able to pick a suit out w/out tears or at least loud cursing in the dressing room! AAAHHHMMMAZING what a change in attitude can do for you!!!

    Thank you for helping with that!!!
    Simply~Shonda

    http://simplyshondaslife.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  70. AnonymousJune 20, 2013 at 9:41 AM

    I just bought this swimsuit after seeing you wear it! It is SO cute!!
    crazykittylove.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  71. UnknownJune 23, 2013 at 10:17 AM

    That event was called Punk Rock Bowling! I love your suit and your hair looks fabulous

    ReplyDelete
  72. peavyJune 26, 2013 at 10:10 PM

    I bought that suit in the cherry pattern because of this post! It's so vintage and Marilynesque. Thanks so much!

    ReplyDelete
  73. peavyJune 26, 2013 at 10:11 PM

    I got that suit in the cherry pattern after seeing it here. It's so awesome and Marilynesque. Thanks so much!

    ReplyDelete
  74. Jennifer DeDonatoJune 29, 2013 at 2:08 PM

    That swimsuit is so dang cute!

    ReplyDelete

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