Monday, March 18, 2013

THINGS NO ONE WILL TELL FAT GIRLS...SO I WILL

 (All images by the incredible Liora K)

Things that I wish I knew earlier  Things that I've learned in real life. 
Things people really need to talk about more:
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Everyone has rolls when they bend over. Everyone. Lets just get this out of the way right off the bat. In the last few months, I've had over 30 women ranging from rail thin to extra large naked in my bed and I would routinely ask them to hug their knees. You wont believe this... ALL OF THEM HAD TUMMY ROLLS. Not one was exempt. Even my super fabulous professional model 6 foot tall and some amazing Katie had rolls. The stomach pictures turned into some of my favorite images from the project... so quit thinking they're bad, and try accepting (dare I say embracing?) yours!

When people say "you're gorgeous", believe them. I tend not to, and it's a cryin' shame. When people genuinely compliment you, it's because they really see it. Try to not dismiss their perspective as wrong and assume that you know better. They see all of you. We see our flaws. Believe them.

"Arm flab is embarrassing." No its not, go fuck yourself. No, not you. The people who tell us that, silly.

You're not stunning despite your body. You're stunning because of your body. There is a distinct difference. I grew up in a culture that would deem "unattractive" women as "special spirits". A degrading categorization that implied that the only thing worthwhile was whatever was inside. Well, yeah. We are all much much more than our bodies, but our bodies are a beautiful part of us too. Beauty comes from the inside AND the outside.  I am of the firm belief that every person is beautiful, and so this leaves the inside to be the part that is the most telling when it comes to true "beauty".

A guy can pick you up off your feet, and it won't break his back.  "Wait, whaaaaaa Jes? You're full of shit." Nope. This just happened to me for the first time in... six years? I'm considerably heavier than I was 6 years ago (like... 70 pounds heavier) and so when I ran up to my friend Eric for a hug and he picked me up with my heels in the air... it left me breathless. I had forgotten that it was possible; I had accepted a life void of being lifted. So exhilarating. Eric didn't suffer any injuries and walked away unscathed.

You don't need to exercise every day in order to feel better about yourself. Many believe that someone who's fat needs to exercise as much as possible in order to prove that they're committed to becoming "less fat". As if accepting one's body as is would be a sin, and that's just silly. Yes, exercising has wonderful physical and mental benefits, but you don't owe it to anyone else to make an effort to change your body unless you wanna. You do not have to alter yourself to be okay. Period.

You're allowed to fall in love with yourself. I promise. This will be the scariest thing you will ever do, and that's okay. It will also be the most amazing (albeit super gradual) experience you will ever have. It doesn't make you narcissistic. It doesn't make you vain. It is liberating in every form of the word.


It's also okay to have days were you don't love yourself. Read this. No really. Read it. And then realize that we've grown up learning and internalizing that we are not okay our entire life. For me, that's 26 years of self-hate indoctrination and brainwashing.  It's going to take a lot longer than you think to reverse this thinking, and it's definitely not going to happen overnight. Allow yourself to have "weak" days. Cry, mourn, sob, yell, throw things. Whichever. Then get up, brush yourself off, give the media the finger, and move forward because you're a warrior.

Everyone's boobs are uneven. If you have a lot of boobs, they might be way uneven.  Don't stress. This is totally normal.

There are people who prefer large ladies. And I mean all sizes of large. I thought that my best bet in life was to find a partner who accepted my fat. Pause. Give me a minute to hang my head and shake it at myself. Not only are there people who adore "thick" women, but a LOT of them who prefer it. This eventually ends up in an interesting territory which Marianne talks about here, but the point that I'm trying to make goes back to the "despite vs because of" argument. Here is what you need to know: you do NOT need to settle for a lover who is "okay" with your body. You have the right (and millions of opportunities) to find someone who is infatuated with your body. You deserve to be worshiped, woman!

Fat chicks bang hot guys... ALL. THE. TIME. I know that hot is relative and all inclusive depending on who you chat with, but for these purposes, lets talk about the "universally attractive" kind of hot. Y'know, the kind fat chicks don't deserve? We want to pretend that we don't know what I'm talking about, but lets be real; we totally do. The fact that "fat chicks bang 'hot' guys" was one of the most powerful realizations I've had thus far. In line with the above paragraph, I knew that there would be someone that would find me attractive but the pool would be small (because of my body) and potentially full of guys I didn't personally find sexy. So I would have to settle for anyone that would take me. After all, how could a conventionally gorgeous man (tall and with tattoos of course) like fat chicks?  Weh-he-hell, let me tell you somethin': through various sites, events, parties, and corner store meetings, I found myself with over a hundred men who were champing at the bit to get with this. I was the one who had to sift through and pick the hottest of the hot. Ladies, over a hundred. "Girls" showed what society thinks about that when Hannah's character has a weekend romance with an attractive and wealthy doctor. People flipped their shit. "Patrick Wilson is so hot he would never do Lena Dunham" was the most eye catching. Wilson's wife responded to that rubbish here, but the tweet speaks volumes about what the majority of people think unconventional women deserve. Jesus christ, it's annoying. I won't spill the details of my bedroom coming and goings, but lets just say this: the hottest guys in Tucson and I get along just fine. I would recommend reading Emily's article on xoJane for a better explanation of what I'm struggling to say. Know this: the myth that "atypical" bodies can't be paired with "typically attractive" bodies is false. Women need to know that all bodies can be paired with all bodies.

Riding during sex will NOT collapse his insides. Just trust me on this one, what you fear is totally false. Here's a great article that changed my life.

Wearing whatever you want is a political statement. Join the revolution. Throw style rules out the window. Wear the tutu. Wear the horizontal stripes. Wear the turquoise skinny jeans. Wear the see-through blouse. Wear the bikini. Wear the sweat pants. Wear the shirt that says "Does this shirt make me look fat?". Wear whatever it is that makes you happy. This is your life.

You are fucking beautiful. I'm saying this with a straight face and seriously meaningful look where I maintain eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time. I know you don't feel like you fit into the category of gorgeous that our world creates. I know that its hard. I know that its a daily battle. But fuck their fascist beauty standards. The second you stop looking for a skinny model in your mirror and start looking at YOU... is the second you will start to appreciate what you are. Stop looking for flaws. Stop looking for differences. You are perfect. You are more than enough. You are the best thing that has ever happened to you. And you are fucking beautiful.

Say it with me.

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What else belongs on this list? 
Share it in the comments below, and lets keep this conversation going.

[EDIT: I'd like to add, because apparently it's necessary, that if you post a fat shaming or hateful comment below it will be deleted. You are allowed to have your opinions, but this blog is a safe space for all bodies to learn to love themselves. Comments that allow reasonable discussion are welcome. I'm the queen here, and what I say goes. Questions? Here.]

1,137 comments:

  1. Jesus, Jes, I really really like this.
    If there's anything I can add, it would be that nobody likes how they look in photos - at first. Photographs are the easiest way to take account of all of our physical "flaws" in one go; and those perceived flaws are different in all of us. It may take time, but the more you do it, the more you will come to look at your own body as a work of art. Like the abstract painting, you find new meaning and sensuality in the lines of your body; a photographer (and I use the term loosely, anyone with a camera will do) has captured you as a work of art, and you will come to appreciate your body as such.
    So many of my friends shy away from my camera because they say they don't like how they photograph, that it brings up their body issues. I want to take their picture because I think they're beautiful, and I just wish more of them would give me the chance to help them change their minds!!

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    1. YES. I've said it before, but the most powerful part of that Body Image(s) series is that I send nervous women the images of them mostly naked and doubled over... and they ALL LOVED THEM.

      I think its because of exactly what you said: it becomes art. And art is beautiful. Always:) Thanks for mentioning this:)

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    2. I agree with you too Jess, I have a lot of issues with my body and to help myself with it I went to a friend who is a photographer and we did a photo shoot. Some of the pictures are hard for me to look at but most of them I was stunned at how beautiful they are. Slowly falling in love with myself :-)

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    3. I agree with you on this too I have a lot of issues with my body and thought a good way to help myself out with it was to have pictures done of myself, so I went to a friend that is a photographer and asked her to do a photo shoot with me. Well not only did I have a blast being a model for the day I found that I was literally jaw dropping gorgeous in the pictures. The bad days I have I go look at that woman in the pictures and remind myself that that is me and I am jaw dropping gorgeous. Slowly falling in love with myself :-)

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    4. I adore photos from shoots and honestly did not think I was attractive until I started modeling and seeing the photos. I have the problem of being 5'4" and 115lbs I have an hour glass figure that I like until I try to go cloths shopping for something that fits me in all areas (my chest and hips are "too big" for my waist". I never cared for how I looked because I have always thought thick girls were attractive so I am not happy with my body. I guess my point here is it doesn't matter what size you are because someone is always going to want to be shaped like you and until you master it you will always want to be shaped like someone else. Im ok with how I look now and just wish they would start making cloths for women with my tiny yet curvy size. I tend to recommend a photo shoot to anyone I know who is uneasy with their appearance and hook them up with a photographer that I know will do them justice. A little hair and makeup and some flattering cloths and they realize how gorgeous they really are.
      Sorry that was kind of rambly and slightly incoherent.

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  2. This blog was absolutely beautiful. All of that was stuff I needed to hear. I love love love reading your blogs. You are an amazing person! Brian and I need to visit you because I would love the chance to meet you!!

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    1. Lots of hugs for you:) And it's Brian's turn to visit me, so come on down!

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    2. If you don't want to rent a room, I have a queen bed and a couch. Dibs on the couch!

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  3. Jes, this was really great to read. People can tell you these things, but sometimes it's really hard to absorb. I would always try to stand up or elongate my body so I could avoid my rolls from being seen, and I would just always be uncomfortable and upset with myself. Sometimes I would even just try to suck it in all the time and that sucked royally.

    However, something that I think should be on this list is that everyone fakes confidence at one point. But (!!!) that "fake" confidence becomes real. It does happen!!

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    1. YES. We all totally do! And sometimes, it gets even better:)

      I remember reading a Cosmo article along the lines of "how to lie in bed so you look thinner during sex". Because that's what he's going to be thinking about. And because that's what you should be thinking about. COME ON.

      Ugh.

      But yeah, I adore you.

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  4. Loving the shoes- I have a bit of weakness for red shoes! Oh and fab post as always!

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  5. Holy sexy mama! Love this, it really helped me right now. I've been really off my game and have been feeling a bit blah lately. <3

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    1. I LOVE THIS ARTICLE MAAM!!!! IM A GROWN MAN WHO LOVES THICK WOMEN!!! BE PROUD OF WHAT YOU HAVE!!!

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  6. In a way, this can speak to anyone of any size. It definitely spoke volumes to someone forever recovering from anorexia, so thank you so much. xo

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    1. You are so right. I could have said that this applies to every woman because I have yet to meet a lady who loves her body 100%.

      Thank YOU so much, and power on lady <3

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    2. I may be wrong, but the first point probably needs to be heard more by anorexics than overweight/fat people.

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    3. I love my body 100%, so now you've met one who does lol :)

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    4. Totally. I tweeted out the link with that addition - I don't think there is any woman who couldn't benefit from reading this.

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  7. I love you. You are inspiring. That's all.

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  8. I am one of your newer followers, thanks to Rachele and over the last few weeks of reading your post every single one leaves me thinking.
    This is an amazing post & again it has left me thinking about how I can relate to this. At times I am not a very confident Plus Size girl but with all of the support and encouragement from Rachele, You, and a whole crap ton of other ladies. I am finally liking what I see in the mirror, still a work in progress though.
    Thank you for all the amazing posts, pictures, words of encouragements, and your straight up IDGAF attitude.

    PS) I love that you are Rocking the Animal print & red heels. You look amazing!

    -Cheltee
    http://somethingaboutyounme.blogspot.com/

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    1. I totally feel the same way. Fat positive blogs changed my life! Thank god for the internet:) <3

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  9. *Gush. Love your site. I'm new-ish, but absolutely adore this blog. This post was just so fantastic.

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  10. For real Jes, I love you! You are a constant inspiration and I get excited every time I see you've updated <3

    YOU DA BEST LADY!

    xxx

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    1. Psh. Thanks;) You're pretty fucking awesome as well. AND, OMG YOUR HAIR IS INCREDIBLE!

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  11. oh man what a good list! i really need to work on the taking a compliment thing. i always think people are making fun of me. such crap!

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  12. I needed to read this today. Thank you!

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  13. How have a never read your blog before?? You are a badass and totally rocking that leopard!

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  14. I just read this and it changed my life (at least my point of view, which is enough)
    Haven't read anything so good in many MANY time.
    THANKS A LOT from a (now happy) fat girl

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    1. Best of luck with your body love! I'm rooting for you <3

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  15. First off, just found you and LOVE YOU. You are one gorgeous gal!!!

    I would add (since I play for both teams) that girls can also find you sexy AND you can bang hot girls. Ok well I have a girlfriend so the multiple girls is in theory. And a husband (I'm also poly! Look at that--a Goddess sized woman with TWO people who want her!!)

    Also--when you get a compliment, don't just believe it--say thank you!

    Accept yourself because your daughter/son will take your cues on how to accept themselves. (Just as important for boys!)

    Smile at yourself in the mirror.

    It's ok to post pictures of yourself on your blog because you are proud of who you are and you want to encourage others to feel good about themselves--NOT because you're trying to "get attention" (that bullshit courtesy of my mother)

    Thank you for such an amazing post.....the only other thing I'd add is please add "follow by email" to your blog ;)

    Rock on with your awesome self!!! xoxo

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  16. This is amazing...and I wish someone would have told high school me this when I was battling with body image!
    You are inspiring.

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  17. This is, indeed, awesome... It is appalling to see how many women that are beautiful believe they're not just because of the size they are. But still, some of us must acknowledge that looks aren't our strong point, whatever size we are. And that's still ok.
    I'm one of the unfortunate ones. I am not pretty, by most (all?) standards. And that's totally separate from the fact that I'm fat. But I have other stuff going for me. I'd rather know what my strengths/talents/qualities are, same for the negative stuff. To acknowledge it is to accept it, or decide to work on it. And move on.

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    1. Thats a really interesting viewpoint, and who am I to say you're wrong? If recognizing your inherent talents and strengths and leaving your looks behind brings you peace and happiness... well, isn't that the point?

      More power to you grrrlfriend.

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  18. thebodyimages.com link brings me to a wix admin page. :(

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  19. You have answered one of those questions that has plagued me my whole life. Everyone has rolls. Being a fat girl from babyhood I always looked at the skinny people and wondered. My life is complete now I have the answer :).

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  20. This was my first time seeing your site and reading any of your posts...am I am so glad this was the one I read. Thank you, for being real about it all. As a bigger woman who was raised to try fit a certain mold and who is now raising a daughter who will also feel the effects of media and society to fit in, it is important to read that we are wonderful and beautiful as is. I may even let her read this...censored some ;)

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    1. I've got a potty mouth... but the message is a good one:)

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  21. my advice to fat women:
    - beauty is a prison, who cares if you are beautiful, be cool instead
    - you do not exist to be attractive to men and your value as a person does not hinge on how many or what type of men find you attractive
    - do whatever you want and wear whatever you want
    - you are a human being, your body is real and a valid body type, and you deserve respect

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    1. AMEN to the respect. From others and yourself!

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  22. What would I add? That what you said applies to us bony-assed chicks who struggle to keep our weight UP. I may be teeny tiny but I won't fucking break because I'm made of flesh not fine porcelain. Love, love, love what you have to say about just getting over the self-hate bullshit. We all need that message.

    Glad Tucson loves you. I miss that town sometimes. It was a shock to learn other places aren't so accepting of diversity, so to speak.

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    1. You are so right. Body love applies to all, but I don't feel comfortable writing about thinner women because... well, I don't have the experience. Thanks for this point.

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  23. Thank you for writing such an amzing post that I can't believe no one's actually written before. I've realized most of this stuff on my own, over time, but it's always incredibly validating to hear another person agree with you.

    When I shared it on Facebook, one of my friends (a skinny dude, if it matters) made a point that I wanted to share, in relation to the "Fat chicks bang hot guys all the time."

    He suggested that by saying "hot guys" we're in a sense suggesting that fat GUYS can't be hot. The part of me that does bang stereotypical hot guys and still shakes my head in wonder every time they tell me I'm gorgeous, or they love being with me, wants to tell my friend to get over it; this is something I'VE had to fight against my whole life, as a fat girl. But upon further reflection, I wonder if he's making a good point. Should we say instead that fat chicks bang EVERYONE, including stereotypical hot guys, or skinny guys, or muscley guys ... I don't know.

    And I know for absolute sure that this point of yours had nothing to do with fat shaming GUYS. As someone who's said the very same thing, I know for sure that you didn't mean that. Because the fact that people made such a stink about Patrick Wilson and Lena Dunham is an excellent example of why we DESERVE to say what you've said.

    Anyway. Just wanted to share because it made me think. And thank you again for being freaking awesome and making the day of so many people I know today with this post.

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    1. So so true. I didn't clarify enough that the belief is that atypical women dont deserve typical men. I would never shame anyone no matter their gender, so thanks for letting me clarify!

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    2. Thanks for thinking about it and clarifying! <3

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    3. I added this, because many people mistook my paragraph:

      (To clarify, in this case, when I say "hot" I mean conventionally "hot". This is not meant to fat shame any gender, as hot is relative and an individual opinion. This paragraph is mean to dispel the myth that atypical bodies can't be paired with typically attractive bodies. This is false, and women need to know that all bodies can be paired with all bodies. When reading, also keep in mind that I happen to be attracted to conventionally attractive men.)

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    4. Yay for constructive conversation on the internet! Something we all could use more of! :D

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  24. I love this post. It is currently being shared around my Facebook group.
    In the last year, I have come to love my body and my curves. So many of the things you said are right on.

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  25. Simply love it. I know people with anorexia that have the same struggles and thought systems. everything you said is right:)

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    1. Absolutely. I mentioned in the above comment that I don't have the experience to write about that since I've never been "skinny", but all of this applies to all body types!

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  26. For the record not everyone has rolls when they bend.
    Also for the record I look like a holocaust victim so that probably has something to do with it :P

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    1. Okay, okay. Whenever I make an absolutist statement, there is always a disagreement. I should have said 99.999999% of women have rolls:) You're right!

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  27. All my life I've been thin, and I would just like to add something to this. Being the 'skinny bitch' is not what you might think it is. While I know the larger of us ladies feel insecure and worry about their outside appearance, believe it or not I've been told I'm disgusting too. I've had men, girls even friends tell me that I'm too skinny and that they are concerned, spread rumors that I was anorexic and 'thin as a rail', 'bony' , 'gross' were terms used by these people. Even relatives I had took it upon themselves to speak to my parents about my weight. It hurt. A lot. There was nothing I could really do about my weight and many of these people (girls namely) hated me because "You can eat anything you want." But I never saw it as a plus with all the negative commentary I would get. I was always frustrated with not being able to gain a pound no matter how much I tried. When I finally reached thirty, my metabolism slowed down and I gained weight. At last people are minded their own business. I guess that's really the lesson here. People should mind their business about others weight, so everyone can be given the fair opportunity to love themselves.

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    1. So right. I have a good friend who is over 6ft, super thin, and absolutely gorgeous... and she is constantly harassed about being to skinny. The whole "eat a sandwich for chrissake". Shame people have to passively/aggressively tell us that they don't think our bodies are good enough. Motherfuckers.

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  28. Freaking fabulous. LOVE this...

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  29. I am standing here applauding!!! This needs to go viral! I love being "unperfect" in societies eyes. I found a man that thinks I am perfect. and guess what...he is the one who taught me how to love my body!! Thank you so much for this!!

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  30. I love this you said exactly what I have been coming to realize in the past few months.

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  31. I am a completely hetero married woman with 4 kids and I cant decide if I want to be you or be ON you. And this is Anon because I cant deal with logging out of my biz account and into my home account not because I am ashamed. ~QueenSuchNSuch

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  32. "fat girls bang hot guys". wow. theres some real doozies in there. it seems that every woman who promotes fat acceptance, promotes for women only. apparently, you see fat men the way most men see you which makes you just as bad.

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    1. (To clarify, in this case, when I say "hot" I mean conventionally "hot". This is not meant to fat shame any gender, as hot is relative and an individual opinion. This paragraph is mean to dispel the myth that atypical bodies can't be paired with typically attractive bodies. This is false, and women need to know that all bodies can be paired with all bodies. When reading, also keep in mind that I happen to be attracted to conventionally attractive men.)

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    2. With respect, I was with you up until this point too. Despite your clarification that you were using "hot" in the conventional sense, it seemed to me then to invalidate that fat women/men are beautiful. Certainly your overall message is geared toward self-confidence and not destroying yourself over what others or society deems beautiful, but with this line I couldn't help but see that, despite everything we may feel (I'm quite confident and happy with my present frame, but I work out to attain my ideal health and appearance) we aren't "conventionally" attractive, which I feel is the real crux of the matter. I'm overweight, and thus I'm not attractive, save for to those who are into bigger frames, as an example statement. Therefore, when someone says "you're not beautiful" to me, it hurts not because I agree, but because I know that if we're talking convention here, they represent the majority and we can't simply blind ourselves to that and yell "I'M BEAUTIFUL YOUR OPINION IS WRONG," then we're being both naive and hypocritical even if, yes, there are a good amount of people who think we look just fine because yup, even I am not attracted to members of the opposite sex that are overweight (which yes, rings true for me also.)

      What I feel is important to promote is that we should be aware of our size, whether under or overweight. For health's sake, we shouldn't ignore this fact and strive for better health, and without shaming ourselves, with better diet, exercise, etc, without so much focus on body image. At the same time, we shouldn't hate ourselves nor claim to be beautiful. If every body truly is beautiful and beauty is subjective, then we are and are not. If you aren't beautiful to yourself, work on your health and weight in whatever direction until you are. If you are beautiful to yourself, fantastic, but every step of the way focus on YOUR goals and happiness before you start shaming yourself based on the opinions of others, if ever.

      Again, I would like to clarify that I support what you're writing, but these body-acceptance support pieces always seem to me to either come off as hypocritical (thin-shaming), naive (fat is attractive, everyone is wrong, my health is great), or disingenuous. I admire that your piece comes off sincere and doesn't fall short in these ways, the way so many others do, as I was losing hope in this whole...movement? Not sure what you'd call it.

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  33. Love it. The only thing that gives me hesitation is the line about finding "conventionally gorgeous" guys -- I get what you're saying, but it seems like a bit of a double standard to practice radical self-acceptance (which is awesome) while applying a "conventional" metric in evaluating others. It's important to appreciate that sexy and gorgeous come in all kinds of shapes and sizes in other people too.

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    1. (To clarify, in this case, when I say "hot" I mean conventionally "hot". This is not meant to fat shame any gender, as hot is relative and an individual opinion. This paragraph is mean to dispel the myth that atypical bodies can't be paired with typically attractive bodies. This is false, and women need to know that all bodies can be paired with all bodies. When reading, also keep in mind that I happen to be attracted to conventionally attractive men.)

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    2. So, by that standard you are admitting that fat women are not "conventionally attractive" either? Or can only men be held to a "conventional" standard?

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  34. See when people tell me I'm gorgeous and pretty I immediately assume they are either A. Lying or B. Have terribly poor judgement and shouldn't be asked questions that require them to think critically or in life threatening situations. I just... know it's not true. In my day to day life I am quite logical and matter of fact (I'm a scientist). But I will lie and say "yeah I'm a foxy sassy big girl and I <3 it" with friends but I don't <3 anything about it. This article has helped me think that I need to pinch myself and realize I am pretty or something. But my internal voice keeps saying "lying to yourself doesn't make it a fact". I don't really know what I"m trying to say, maybe I just needed to vent.
    Also, I like your blog.

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    1. Consider the possibility of changing your body in a way that you can feel that people aren't lying. Body acceptance doesn't have to be about being a "sassy big girl" and telling yourself you're beautiful every day until you believe it. Work out, eat better and attain the body you desire. There's nothing wrong with that either. But, there's nothing inherently wrong with being overweight, save for what it may mean for your health, if it is a problem that is.

      Do what you need to do to be truly happy with yourself, just try to minimize the amount that you shame yourself based on the opinions of others. Everyone is beautiful to someone, you just need to find how to be beautiful to you.

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    2. Maggie, I know this voice VERY well. And my best reminder to myself is that those people may or may not be telling the truth and I may or may not be pretty, but the only thing that really matters is whether I *feel* like *me*. It's taken a lot of experimentation on my end to figure out what that means, but it includes everything from the clothes I wear to how I treat other people... and I'm still figuring it all out. Maybe try to experiment with little different things to see if you feel more like *you* with them. Try a different pair of shoes... or add a little nuance and open the door for some genuine insecurity in conversations with your friends.

      When you start to discover what feels more honest and true to yourself, it will resonate so much more when people tell you you're beautiful because what they're complimenting is the *REAL YOU*!

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  35. And don't forget to thank Blogger to link your nice and positive article to all the body-negative posts in the blogosphere...which are all the opposite of this article. Just because you mentioned 'fat'. Oh, Internet.

    Keep up the good work.

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  36. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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  37. What I find most interesting in all this is that the focus of this article seems rather superficial to me... and of course - the first thing one might think is that I'm not one of the hot guys.. and that would be a very true assessment.. It just seems to me that if a guy wrote this article.. talking about how he could bang any girl, and brag about he would have his pick of hot girls, that he would be viewed as quite the D-Bag. My question to all this - are these so-called "hot guys" and "hot girls" for that matter worth getting to know in the first place? I don't know about you, but the thought spending time my very precious time on a pretty face with lackluster mind is purely a waste of time. I personally prefer the curvy figured woman but to hear or read thoughts like this from a barbie doll or a bbw would just make me turn and find someone else worthy of my time. Sorry if my words offend, but this blog felt very offensive to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. my thoughts as well. its ok say "fat chicks bang hot guys"? so guys still have to be concerned with meeting the media represented definition of "hot"? seems a bit of a double standard to me. I think "fat" "skinny" and "normal" girls alike all need to start seeing themselves as something much more than a sexual object...which is all this article seems to be concerned with.

      Delete
    2. To keep this brief: as a fat woman I am constantly reminded that I am talented, intelligent, and special. This was meant to be superficial, because my bangin' body isn't to be ignored.

      I'm brainy and beautiful. That happens.

      Delete
    3. Hey, just because people are "hot" by normal standards, does NOT mean they have a "lackluster" mind. That is absolute crap. I weigh 115 and I have a 4 yr degree,dedicate my life to helping people, and am the nicest person anyone could meet. If you dont want "fat" stereotypes then dont talk bout "skinny" stereotypes. Whether someone is fat or skinny has nothing to do with how good their personality or mind is.

      Delete
    4. Agreed. Just as being fat or skinny has nothing to do with beauty. These things are NOT mutually exclusive, they're not even related!

      Delete
  38. Let me start by saying that I'm coming at this as a former big girl who dropped 100 pounds and got into the competitive fitness world. I mean NO disrespect, and I love the rest of this, but honestly, I don't think I would highlight men's willingness to have sex with fat women as anything special.

    Plenty of dudes will sleep with pretty much anyone. I got hit on MORE often by conventionally "hot" dudes when I was fat - but it wasn't because they were attracted to bigger women, it was because they see big girls as an easy lay. I started wondering about it when I lost weight, and a good number of my male friends have confirmed the notion - there are different standards for what you date and what you bang.

    Now if a hot guy wants to date you and show you off to his friends, that's awesome. I had a few wonderful relationships when I was bigger. If your whole interaction involves getting picked up and whisked away for bedroom action, but nothing further ever develops... well hey, if it makes you happy, go for it, but it isn't something I think we should celebrate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No disrespect taken! I completely agree with you 100%!!!!! It isn't anything special, and all bodies get with all bodies. I never knew that and wanted to bring it into the open for people like me:)

      xoxo

      Delete
    2. I've pretty much come to accept that, other than my husband of course and a few select men here and there....mostly I'm the "band and forget" kind of girl. Pushing 275, and likely exuding an utter lack of self confidence (because I *can't* "fake it til I make it") I got the few requisite guys who were all "I've never been with a bigger girl before but you're [insert bullshit comment here]" and then lo and behold, disappeared after one time.

      I'm the woman who looks at a hot guy (or, and maybe especially, an attractive woman) and just pretty much assumes they find me unattractive.
      Why wouldn't they. I do.

      Delete
  39. Thank you for such a wonderful, beautiful blog :) I'm just finishing a mind coaching session. To which I have finally accepted who I am. And finally able to love myself. And your article has re-enforced this for me and no doubt countless other women :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  40. You might be surprised how many men need to read this blog. Not for their girlfriend's self image, but for their own! I know, I was one! And I'm told fairly frequently that I'm attractive and still find it hard to believe. I'm still working on my self image issues, but I hope to get there. Thank you for giving hope!

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  41. OK, so articles like that are supposed to help me feel better about myself, but often times I read them and still think "Must be nice to be her and be confident and pretty enough to get the hot guys, get told she's gorgeous, etc... but it still never happens for me."

    Doesn't that just suck?

    Wish I could just read this and absorb it, unfortunately there are 40-something years of self-hate that stand in the way...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :( I have horrible days too. I wish you the best of luck, m'love.

      Delete
    2. If that's you in the photo, you look lovely. For what it's worth.

      Delete
  42. I read this. And I read it again. And really really, truly so much want to believe this. Sadly, my experiences have taught me otherwise. I think it can be true, but I also think it matters where you live. The bigger the city, the more likely you are to find that men of all kinds are less ashamed of their love of slightly chubby to big beautiful women. All I can say is I'm 48 and still looking for that super hunk of my dreams!

    ReplyDelete
  43. None of this negates the health problems sadly. I have known many beautiful overweight people, inside and out, but most of them now have joint problems, heart problems, kidney problems or something else related to being overweight. Everyone should love themselves but that includes looking after yourself. Health is the key no matter what you look like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll repost this:

      "If I had a dollar for every time I i heard this...
      http://kateharding.net/faq/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/

      And this:
      http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/lesson-of-day-keep-yr-fat-hate-to-yrself.html"

      Delete
  44. I loved it! Only one disagreement. Some people do need to exercise everyday to feel better about themselves. At least I do. I started exercising to get rid of the fat. Now I exercise everyday to battle the depression that I've dealt with for 2 decades. It made me love myself just the way I am and the physical results became totally unimportant. I exercise everyday, I'm still fat, probably always will be, and now I'm ok with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally. I didn't say "don't exercise" which people seem to somehow think I did. your exercise routine is totally your call. Whatever makes you happy and healthy! And I totally agree with your personal experience... I am exactly the same way. My point being that you don't have to constantly try to seem like youre changing your body because you're fat:) It's different.

      Delete
  45. I'm having a really hard time with body acceptance right now. I know that I need to be more forgiving, but it can be very difficult sometimes. My husband tells me on a daily basis that I'm beautiful and he absolutely loves my body as much as he loves me. I really want to be able to believe him. Thank you for this post, I'm going to bookmark it and go back to it when I need it.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Great article! And I'm from Tucson, too, so soft spot for that. It took me until my late 30s to realize that there are men who LOVE bigger girls. I have a wonderful boyfriend who wouldn't even think of dating a skinny chick. What an ego-boost he is, every day telling me that I'm beautiful. We are all worth that sort of relationship.

    From Four Weddings and a Funeral: "May we all in our dotage be able to say, 'I was adored once, too.'"

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  47. Omg I adore this piece of writing beyond belief.

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  48. When you go see your doctor what does he/she say? When they say "You need to loose weight" they are saying it becuase they want to save your life. Fat, beautiful or not is one of the most unhealthy things you can put on or in your body. I respect your mission to improve how we see ourselves, but telling people they don't need to exercise? That's not a positive or healthy message.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time explaining this to you, because quite frankly it's none of your business. I will have you know that I eat a lot of raw food, ride my bike, and take yoga and dance classes. I just had a physical and had perfect blood pressure and cholesterol. I was not told to lose weight.

      I mention this not because I care what you think, but because I hope you educate yourself a little more on the myths of this subject so that you don't perpetuate this discrimination while interacting with other people who may not be able to advocate for themselves.

      Read this while you're at it:
      http://kateharding.net/faq/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/

      Delete
    2. Oops, I forgot to mention that I didn't say to not exercise at all. I said that you don't have to do it every day, the intention behind it being that most fat women feel like they must at least put effort into losing weight in order to cope with being fat at the moment.

      I exercise because it makes me feel good. Plain and simple.
      xoxo

      Delete
    3. Is anyone really surprised that the rationalization movement exists? The horrible crap being spewed in some of these comments is ample evidence for why it exists.

      People need to be respected *regardless* of their size. To say someone is not entitled to feel good about themselves until they're thin is what's insane, and it's what leads people for whom losing weight is incredibly difficult to consider ending their lives.

      It's possible to be affirming and yet concerned. They are not mutually exclusive.

      Delete
  49. I'm one of those guys who likes large women. It is more likely I'll find one woman too skinny than another one too large. Big women *are* beautiful!

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  50. This is beautiful!!! Thank you for giving this to me. I need it for sure. This is the first time I have been introduced to you and I have to say "Well Met"!!!! you are a rock God!!!

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  51. Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl this is my first time here and I love it!! I am a curvy girl, but work with women of all shape and sizes. In reading the previous comments about weight and health, I think we need to realize first and foremost that our self acceptance is NOT ABOUT HEALTH. It is about loving ourselves and our bodies, regardless of our size, shape, hair, wrinkles, or whatever. I can promise you that any woman who hates her body when she's fat, will find something to hate about it when she's skinny too.

    In the end - why does it really matter? Why can't we accept ourselves as we are? I have worked with size zero women who truly hate their bodies. EVERY woman can find something that she hates about herself, and that is very, very sad. We spend so much time looking at the negative aspects of our bodies - our perceived flaws - that we forget to celebrate the awesomeness.

    Fat or skinny, black or white, hairy or hairless, tall or short, big boobed or little boobed or no boobed, pigeon toed six fingered third nipple whatever - we need to find joy in ourselves and our bodies, and say fuck everyone else. Easier said than done, I get it, but still so very necessary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Every woman can find something she hates about herself"
      This is untrue, I don't hate anything about myself.

      Delete
    2. "Every woman can" not "every woman will" mad props for not hating anything about yourself.

      Delete
  52. Some of your ideas are an incredibly shallow way of interpreting self-acceptance through sexual means.

    Being overweight is not healthy. Human beings were not designed to be overweight. It increases the risks for a myriad of health issues.

    Exercise, eat right, live healthy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Being overweight is not healthy"

      Bravo

      Delete
    2. I didn't realize so many people on here were experts on Jes' medical history and overall health.

      Delete
    3. you do realize that you can "exercise, eat right, live healthy" and still be overweight, and that you can never exercise, eat mcdonalds every day, and be a couch potato and still be thin, right?

      Delete
  53. I'm curvy and I love you for this.

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  54. I stumbled across your blog a few months ago and loved every minute of what I read. Unfortunately I forgot to save the link and lost it. After "life" happened to me I find myself allot heavier then when I was younger and I'm no way happy. But reading this ... Well you are making me think. And when I got to the last paragraph, well I started crying. Yes. Yes to everything you said. I'm going to print it and put it on my board because I think I need to read it a few more times. Thank you so much! Oh and I LOVE those photos!

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  55. I love you. I love your website. I love your message. Thanks. I am a round mama. 53 years old. 6 kids. And a FINE husband :) - for 35 years. Everyone needs to read what you wrote. And believe it.

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  56. Hell yes! Thank you for this!!!

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  57. Thank you for this.

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  58. Can I just say that I love you ;-; Reading this has been so inspiring... I've always been super self-conscious about my weight (even though I try to lie to myself and say I haven't) but reading this made me think differently! You are my new favourite person <3

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  59. Oh my gosh, I think I love you <3 Reading this was absolutely inspiring, because I've always been self-conscious about my weight. Thank you and please keep posting things like this!!!

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  60. I love this article. Thanks so much.

    I especially like the one, "Fat Girls Bang Hot Guys." Growing up as a fat girl, I always was left out of all the teenage fun. No date for prom, no one took me to the movies. I was afraid that I would never have a boyfriend or that I would have to date men that weren't right for me, because they were the best I could get. Now, in my late thirties, the man in bed is traditionally gorgeous. I hate to admit that it delights me to no end when I see younger, conventionally attractive women drool over him. What's even better is that he thinks I'm gorgeous, just the way I am.

    That being said, I love all types of men. In fact, I'm an equal opportunity employer. I like fat guys, tall guys, short guys, husky ones, tattooed men, guys who ride motorcycles, basketball players, artists, stereotypical nerds, personal trainers and so on. Men are wonderful, not matter the size or shape.

    I think we forget that because fat men aren't as stigmatized in the media as fat girls are. I can think of several TV shows featuring a fat man with a very skinny wife. No one says anything. There are serious actors who are fat or even just a little chubby and it's not a big deal. Let a female actress gain 5lbs or have her face look puffy and it's bye-bye career.

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  61. I love you. I love this post. And I love that you took your photo shoot in the library. Damn, girl!
    Leah / http://www.superstarling.com

    ReplyDelete
  62. If everyone on earth exercised for 30 minutes six days a week, this article would still exsist. There will always be 'overweight' people. If everyone on earth weighed 100 pounds, and someone got to 105, They would be considered 'obese,' or 'unhealthy.' That says something about culture, why does this 140 pound girl look fat? Because I can pull up a picture of a supermodel on my phone in seconds. That's just too bad. It sucks. It really does.

    This article really brings up an interesting point. And I commend you for it. I do however, have misgivings I would like to discuss.

    Let's not complicate thing too much. Being obese can be the most dangerous aspect of your character. Obesity related deaths are among the tops in America. No blog (the 'doctor' is right that article is dated and largely disproven) or nice message can change that.

    So I guess my question to jes, would be where is the line? When do we look at ourselves and say "you are beautiful and you don't need to change?" And when do we say "you are overweight and need to get healthy, or you just may die"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thom, thank you for initiating a respectful discussion!!! I can simply tell you this: the line is not mine to draw for anyone else. Ever.

      My body is the only one I can draw the line for, and everyone else's is their own business.

      What do you think?

      Delete
  63. "Fat chicks bang hot guys... ALL. THE. TIME."
    Damn straight!!!
    Loving this blog...and Kia Ora from New Zealand xx

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  64. Fat chicks bang hot guys... ALL. THE. TIME.

    Damn straight!!!!
    Loving the blog ...Kia Ora from Mew Zealand xx

    ReplyDelete
  65. Thank you for this. I was a in shape Firefighter for 11yrs had a son and git "fat" fr tthe past 8 yrs I have been at war with my body. I now love the fact that I gave life with this body and gave myself a break. that gave
    me he motivation o get out there again and join a gym. been doing well !
    you are brillant and a inspiration to us "fat girls" p.s. my hubby loves my new curves bigger boobs and chases me around the house all the time :)

    ReplyDelete
  66. How about: The point of exercise is not to be skinny, it's to feel good. It's about endorphins and feeling powerful. If you work out for a month and feel great and lose not a damn pound, you're STILL doing it right. Don't let "but I'm still fat" be a reason to quit something that feels good just in and of itself. Same goes for any eating plan you adopt. If your body feels powerful and happy, it has value separate from weight loss. (I feel good when I eat roughly like I'm on Weight Watchers. I don't always lose weight but the big pile of produce makes me mighty, so who the hell cares?)

    Healthy and skinny, they are not the same thing. Don't deny yourself one just because it doesn't produce the other.

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  67. Great post... though the photos were wonderfully distracting!

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  68. This absolutely just changed my life. A totally necessary slap in the face. I can relate to all of this, especially the one about a guy picking you up and not being injured as a result. And also about sometimes thinking that atypical body types don't/can't match with typically beautiful ones. I'm what we'd consider "thick" and my boyfriend is a little buff soccer player. Sometimes I catch myself wondering how this works out (especially when having stupid thoughts about what his exes look like) and have to almost yell at myself aloud for being so foolish. This is great. You are great. And you helped me realize I am great too. Thank you!

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  69. The ladies from work and myself were just discussing this yesterday...men super like thicker women. I myself am not tiny or curvy I'm the middle ground and I'm telling you curvy thick women have it going on! Much love ladies! :)

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  70. Thank you for this, it's good to see a well written article setting this out. My wife's a big woman (not 'thick', thick on UK/Aus means stupid or dumb so I'd never use that term - she's smart!) and she still has trouble accepting herself. I don't love her because she's fat, I wouldn't love her just because she wasn't. She's a beautiful woman, my soul mate, and her dress size is totally irrelevant to me. We are happy together and have a great sex life. Her size doesn't affect any of that.

    Be yourself is what I say. Whoever loves you, loves YOU; let yourself be you.

    Raven, a Pommie in Oz

    ReplyDelete
  71. Kudos, Jes!

    I'm not fat but the BMI index says I'm overweight based on my poundage (honestly, muscle weighs more than fat - duh). I am not skinny either (I have ranged from a size 10 to size 16 in the last 10 years and I'm a petite 5'3"). I have a tummy roll or two, but I gave birth to two beautiful children and and am proud to have a few battle scars. I have been called "thick" by appreciative men and "skinny, white chick" by women at war with their own bodies. I love finding the perfect pair of booty jeans but cry trying on bathing suits.

    I think our consumptive culture has presented us with ideals that are unrealistic (seriously, do I want to look like a teenager for the rest of my life???). I refuse to watch TV and don't have one in my home. The commercials, the skinny actresses, and the fairy tale Hollywood scene are all smoke and mirrors, my friends.

    I remember being hugged by a woman who was round and voluptuous, and in that moment, it was the most comforting experience. She made me feel child-like and so protected as I crumbled.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you are more than a body. You are more than someone's girlfriend, lover, arm-piece, or whatever other labels they stick on people to put them in their places. You are a person, perfect in your imperfections, and the only way the rest of humanity can move forward is if each person embraces her-/him-self as a total work of art.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Um, hopefully this works, because I don't have an account here. (;;^^)

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm a skinny person (pocket-sized pixie skinny) and I have a LOT of big friends. I've always thought they were gorgeous. Like, model material (if the modeling industry would pull its head out of its own ass for a change). But none of them see it. And, of course, I can't make them. My being so tiny doesn't help my arguments hold any water when I tell them that they're size isn't what takes away from their beauty - it's their attitudes ABOUT their size. So, I was super excited when I read this article (and it seems I'll have to get an account so I can see what some of the links contain) and have shared it with ALL of my curvy friends. (^.^)

    Thank you so much for posting this! It really needed to be said, and it really needs to be lived! (^.^) Big hugs for you!

    ReplyDelete
  73. Amen Sister! Here is a treat for you to see. :) I made this campaign for all to see we are ALL beautiful. https://www.facebook.com/BeautifulAsIAmCampaign

    ReplyDelete
  74. As a 54 year old, seriously balding guy (hairline is halfway down the back of my head) with what hair he DOES have seriously shot through with grey and who could stand to lose 20 pounds or so (5'8", 200 lbs)I would like to add that, while there's nothing wrong with LOVING your own body, it isn't necessary. It's possible to look in the mirror, say, "Yeah, okay, so it could be better,", and NOT CARE. It isn't necessary to be ecstatic with what you see in the mirror to not be upset about it; sure, I like looking at women. Conventionally pretty women, somewhat overweight women, somewhat skinny women, women with faces that aren't what we're told is classically attractive. I may not be one of those people who prefers heavy women, but I choose who I'm attracted to based on how much fun they are to be with, not what they look like. And if I enjoy a woman's company, then I am physically attracted to them, regardless of what they look like. As such, i cut myself the same slack I cut other people: I don't worry about what I look like; I like who I am, and if what I look like isn't what I'd choose to look like if I could wave a magic wand and look any way I wanted, it isn't bad. (PS, judging by the picture, I wouldn't call you heavy at all. Are you skinny? No, you're not. But you're a far sight from fat. Yours is definitely a body that falls into the "scenic even before I know whether you're fun company or not" category.)

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  75. https://www.facebook.com/BeautifulAsIAmCampaign this is for you sweets! I made this for ALL sizes to know we are beautiful.

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  76. I was "skinny" and then gained 100+ lbs with my first pregnancy and thought holy shit my husband is going to leave me. Boy was I wrong. 18 years later he winces if I even think about dieting. I realized it was MY problem, in my own damn head. I'm working on it (still) and LOVED reading this.. thank you! (btw - my hubby is a "conventionally hot" guy) :)

    ReplyDelete
  77. A facebook friend of mine posted a link to this article. Being a fat girl, I clicked on it out of curiosity. I figured it would have the typical "you are beautiful in every single way, words can't bring you down" stuff, but I didn't expect it to speak so directly to my life and the way I feel about myself.

    Like, seriously. I'm pretty sure this article was written specifically for me.

    I had a lot of issues growing up concerning my body and immature guys who gave me more issues. I've always been fat. I have always, ALWAYS known that I could never land a conventionally attractive guy. I was fine with this. I honestly tend to become attracted to dudes that I get to know really well, so I had a plan. If I could make friends with a nice homely guy and get him to see past my exterior and appreciate my "great personality" (which I've been told I possess oh so many times), I could get a boyfriend. Exactly what you said above: I thought I could find some one who would love me in spite of my body.

    Surprisingly enough, this method wasn't very effective. I didn't go on my first date until I was 20. The guy who asked me out was a very large guy who was a lot bigger than me, and he actually found me... pretty. Weird, huh? I wasn't sure I was attracted to him at first, but I went out with him and came to truly appreciate him and be attracted to him. Once that door was open, for the first time I started to lose my inhibitions; I trusted him completely not to judge my body. After all, he had the same stuff going on, right?

    That's when I learned the ugly truth. When the clothes come off, I'm not a pretty fat. My boyfriend had rolls, yes, but he had nice smooth rolls of soft tan skin. I had... cellulite. Cellulite ON my cellulite, I swear. Stretch marks, all over. Translucent skin that showed the blue veins underneath. Strange wrinkles and folds and lumps, spotty razor burn and waggling flaps... To this day I don't know if he was expecting all these things or if he was taken by surprise. To his credit, he never said anything unflattering to me, ever.

    That's because he didn't have the chance to. Two months into our relationship, and ten days after the clothes started coming off, he broke up with me. He cited a bunch of vague reasons that didn't make much sense (e.g., I like to use maps and he prefers to be "adventurous", therefore we are incompatible), and I was forced to contemplate two equally horrible possibilities: either he didn't like my personality, which was the one thing I thought I had going for me, or he didn't like my body. The guy who was solidly in my league, the *one* guy who was ever attracted to me at first blush, the one who pursued me and kept trying to make declarations of love had DUMPED me.

    He was the safe bet. I wasn't ashamed or guarded with my body when I was with him. Maybe I should have been. Maybe I should have asked him to keep the lights off.

    That was over a year ago. I haven't dated since then. I'm terrified that even someone who accepts my fatness is unprepared for the things I cover up in polite company. I'm terrified that maybe my personality isn't what it's chalked up to be, that it isn't my winning feature at all. I'm terrified that people will secretly laugh at me if I wear revealing clothes. When I look at cute guys, I'm terrified that I'm aiming too high, that I'm setting myself up for failure, that any guy I would find cute is the kind of guy who's too good for me. In short, I am exactly the girl you wrote this article for. When I finished the end, I had to struggle not to start crying because I am still so afraid to love myself.

    Thank you for giving me permission to be brave.

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  78. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  79. YES! This is absolutely amazing, I love everything you put down and love you for getting it out there. I have just begun to realize these things for myself and I wish I had a list like this a year ago... or 5 when I was in high school and really didn't love myself! What a mistake :-)

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  80. Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been over weight for quite sometime and I just cannot get dates with anybody. Now I realise what the problem is and once I learn to fall in love with myself I can get any guy I want! Thanks again!

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  81. Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. it's silly but there are literally tears in my eyes right now.

    I had some doctor tell me recently, not knowing a thing about me, "if you just ate 1200 calories and walked 30 mins a day you will lose weight. You NEED to lose weight". It's really gotten to me in the past few weeks because I am active and eat healthy foods in proper portion. I went to him for help as I've been gaining weight like crazy and don't know why. Instead of giving me real help he made me feel about two inches big (no pun intended here).

    I haven't really been feeling attractive or anything lately because of this, feeling like a failure to myself. I needed this. Thank you.

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  82. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! I needed this

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  83. LOVE YOU AND THIS! I needed this! Thank you!

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  84. WTG on the tummy rolls... it also goes for the back rolls! It's part of being a woman.

    Also, to note... there are men as well who can't lift up small skinny chicks. Just sayin'.

    And one of the hottest guys I have ever seen shot me down because I wasn't fat. Fat/skinny doesn't mean anything!

    (Oh, and as a side comment... if you're a bigger bolder woman, please don't be mean to the skinny girls. We get a hard time in life sometimes even if you don't believe it. People like to cut us down because they think we "need" it. There is a whole ton of beautiful women out there who think that they're ugly because of other people's paradigms. We love you fat, please love us skinny. Thank you!)

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  85. I really needed this. You have no idea.

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  86. I am not fat, but have horrible acne-pocked skin. Am I beautiful?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to tell you that I don't know what you look like, but I know that you are perfect just the way you are.

      Society tells us that we're ugly and sells us products to fix it... and this market has been increasing since the end of WWII. I mention this because it's important to know that the standard of beauty that we are taught doesn't actually exist. Gwyneth Paltrow may be on the front of the magazine... but it's not really her. She's been nipped, tucked, and airbrushed and then we believe that we can look like that in real life. So shun all standards of beauty that you currently believe in and know this... You are fucking gorgeous.

      Just the way you are, love.

      Delete
  87. For what it's worth, I'll offer all you Big, Beautiful Women one of the things that I've noticed (and believe me, we guys are ALWAYS looking) over the years. Fat girls have big boobs. I've always been a breast man, and a lot of my friends call me a "chubby chaser", but it's not that I'm not attracted to skinny girls, it's that I'm attracted to big girls, too. And you know what REALLY turns me on? A big girl who feels sexy and loves her body, and knows how to enjoy herself in the bedroom. A woman that wants to have fun with her body is WAY more attractive than a pretty girl who doesn't want to get "messed up".

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  88. I am overweight and constantly am obsessed with my weight. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror let alone have a picture taken. I am afraid one day when I am old my daughters wont have very many pictures of me to show their kids or grandkids. I want to commend you on the things you say. My youngest daughter is also overweight but she says she doesn't care what anyone thinks. I wish I had her confidence. Thank God for her and you and people like you guys. Your encouraging words and ways make me feel good.

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  89. Thank you! Thank you! I love you! I love this! I'm printing it out and when I feel like crap I'm going to read it and remember - I'm fucking amazing.

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  90. WOW! Thanks, I wandered onto this blog through a friends FB status (as ya do) & its fantastic, sometimes you just need to step back & say 'You know what, I am beautiful' Thanks Jes :D

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  91. I've always resisted being picked up by my husband, because I always worried I would hurt him, but now ... pick me up, baby. (Ditto riding).

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  92. I am a short fat woman. My husband is a tall skinny guy. This is the best thing I've ever read.

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  93. This was amaze balls. Thank you for this!

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  94. you go girl!
    also, where did you get the shoes in the picture? those are super sexy and I want them!

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  95. Love this. You put to words what I have always wanted out of myself but have yet to come to terms with it. I am constantly thinking that people see me as fat, ugly and stupid (I know that part is not in your blog post but that's how I see how other see me). I have just realized, that very few people see me that way. It took someone telling me that I seem very confident when I didn't think I was confident at all. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "You seem very confident to me." Then I realized that I see only my flaws or what I deem as flaws. I don't see anything good in myself.

    Everyone once in a while, I see a glimmer of a gorgeous woman staring back at me in the mirror and I know not all hope is lost. And now I am slowly but surely, trying to break free of my negative thoughts to have more positive ones.

    My husband thinks I'm beautiful and sexy when I didn't see it. Now I'm seeing what he does. He loves big women.

    I think if I become more acceptable of myself and positive, then I will finally be able to see what others see in me. I'm 36 years old and just realizing this. It it nice to see younger women of a heavier nature with such a positive outlook.

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  96. I'd just like to say that this list is amazing for all girls, not just "fat" girls. All women have body issues, and of course I understand for women that struggle with their weight it is even more difficult, but the things on this list brought tears to my eyes, and everyone I know considers me skinny. So thank you, because I agree that sometimes the hardest thing in the world to hear is that you're gorgeous, but if you can just shut up and let someone tell you, it helps so much.

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  97. Thanks for this article. I have packed on 25 lbs since I got married and had a baby and I really don't feel that sexy anymore. Thanks for letting me know that I can still feel sexy, even in a bigger dress size. :)

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  98. I'm a photographer working with a lot of thin models started to make me feel bad about myself. Then I read this blog post.

    This fantastic blog has drawn in a new fan! I've gained weight in the past 6 years as well and have been somewhat psychotic about losing weight.

    But you're right. I'm close to 200 pounds and almost 40 years old. And I'm beautiful.

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  99. I was having such a terrible day. But, this made me feel so much better about myself. I am super glad I didn't take the chance given to me to eat my feelings away. I love my boyfriend and even though I am the biggest out of all my friends who are girls I know one day I will feel as sexy as most of them.

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  100. I was having such a terrible day. But, this made me feel so much better about myself. I am super glad I didn't take the chance given to me to eat my feelings away. I love my boyfriend and even though I am the biggest out of all my friends who are girls I know one day I will feel as sexy as most of them.

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  101. Thank you. Just thank you. :)

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  102. After i had my first child I went back to the gym with a vengeance to regain my pre pregnancy body and met Gretchen, she was at the gym because her doctor told her if she didn't lose 100+ pounds she would die. As I got to know her I met her husband, 15 years older than she was, drop dead gorgeous, very fit and extremely wealthy. They had a 15 million dollar home in the hills of Mt Diablo and traveled 4-5 months of each year. She was gorgeous, always dressed beautifully and looked fantastic (even at 300+ pounds). She diligently lost weight over the next 2 years, we worked out together and grew to be good friends. The day she came in to the gym and told me her husband had asked her for a divorce was a total shock. He felt terrible about not feeling sexually attracted to her at her slimmer size, but he'd tried and tried to adjust but he was just not sexually attracted to her any more. He never told her because he cared about her and didn't want her health to suffer. But yeah, there is definitely a lid for every pot.

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  103. Awesome. Just fantastic. This made me feel sooo good. Thank you.

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  104. I so enjoyed this post! I do try to tolerate my fatness and to silence that inner critic, but sometimes I forget how fun and freeing it is to just decide to love who I am! Reading this made me feel gorgeous! ;-)

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  105. This had me in tears. I really needed to read this. After 20 years of struggling with weight, I bullied my doctors into sending me to a specialist. It turns out I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and it makes it incredible hard to lose weight no matter how hard I diet and work out. I found this so empowering, and It made me realize that when my skinny little boyfriend looks at me and says I'm gorgeous, he means it. And he doesn't even have a fat fetish. He just straight out loves me for me. So many times I lay and bed thinking he is just lying and that he'll love me more if I'm thin, but because of this blog, I know those thoughts are bullshit. Thank you so much.

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  106. Nice and empowering until you decide to name your type and call it "conventionally attractive" instead of just saying who you're attracted to simply: "tall guys with tattoos," and owning that. Worse, then you backpedaled that you don't mean to shame any guys, just that you're attracted to conventionally attractive men, and we all agree that those are tall and tattooed men (because that's what conventionally means).

    I respect your thesis: we're all our own worst critics and often the things we're most critical of in ourselves are not flaws but common aspects of humanity, so if we can get past that and think we're worth-while, we can present ourselves to those people we find attractive with more confidence. The aspect of your thesis you hurt was in talking about "conventionally attractive" people at all, when it's much more important to talk about the people that you PERSONALLY find attractive, because even if that isn't conventional, if it's what you want in another person it's easy to throw up blocks and reasons for why that kind of person wouldn't want you for whatever reasons you come up with, and that has nothing whatsoever to do with "convention."

    That said, there's also the reminder that is important for men and women with any interests in other people: even with this advice and confidence and comfort in your own skin, some people you like and are attracted to will not be interested in you, and there may not even be a reason better than or beyond: they just don't. If you're going to be honest enough with yourself to decide you know what you want and respect yourself to go after that, you also have to respect that other people can do the same. Maybe there wasn't room in the article for that, or the tone shift might've killed its momentum, but damn if that's not an important point for everybody to figure out, and one which people should probably be told at some point instead of being expected to figure it out on their own.

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    1. I appreciate the tone of your email, and how sensibly it was worded:) I used "conventionally" very knowingly because in my experience we know what that is. It may vary from celebrity to celebrity, but in my experience (and many others that have shared) the prospect of "gettin' with" any of those guys was laughed at. And it's simply not true. And I've just learned this.

      And you're totally right. A shit ton of guys want nothing to do with me. And thats okay because we all have our preferences. I'm just throwing the idea out there that IF a fat chick is into David Beckham... well, there might be a chance he's into her too.

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  107. Thanks. I was feelin' down today until this post remembered how many "hot guys" who have enjoyed my company. Not only that, but called me BACK. So, neener neener, suck it, haters.

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  108. Oh God, I'm bawling. I just got up off of the floor after doing pilates, while thinking about how the woman at Plato's Closet wouldn't accept my clothes today because, "We don't buy these sizes." I felt so embarrassed that she said this in front of other patrons and my room mate. I needed this today more than anything.

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  109. Les, this may be too theoretical for some of your readers but I thought it might be good to point out that the prevailing standard of beauty is variable with time and culture. There may be an economic basis. In times or places where poverty is the norm, fat is abundance and is beautiful. In developed countries today most everyone has enough/too much food available and thin is in. The voluptuous nudes of the Renaissance masters won't show up as Playboy centerfolds. The relevance here is that the prevailing standard of what weight is desirable is arbitrary and inconstant. It's impossible not to be influenced by cultural norms but it helps to understand their limitations.
    On a more individual basis, we form our adult values and attitudes based largely on experiences from infancy and early childhood. For example, an infant may perceive a caregiver as fat and identify this trait with love, tenderness, security and a host of other desirable qualities. Subsequently as an adult that person may be attracted to fat people as sexual partners and as mates. The relevance here is that people are attracted to other people for complex reasons, many on an unconscious level. Whatever your gender, physical attributes, intellectual capacity or any other trait, some people are going to be attracted to you and some won't be. To base our opinion of ourselves on what we think other people find attractive is irrational and self-defeating.
    Finally, extremes of weight are probably deleterious to health and longevity. Sometimes, perhaps often, a major obstacle to adopting a healthier lifestyle is resentment against conforming with outside standards in order to gain respect, acceptance or whatever. If we can rely on ourselves for worthiness, respect, acceptance and such, we may find it easier to do the things we want to do to be healthier and happier because we can do them not for external confirmation and approval but for ourselves.

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    1. Yes to all accounts. I've addressed a lot of this in other posts, but didn't feel like this simple one was the place. You're absolutely right on with the history. I'm very informed on the transition of preferred body shapes depending on the decade and culture. Amen. It fluctuates.

      And yes, physically extremes hurt our body machines. I get it. I know. But it's not my place or anyone elses to tell another what they should and shouldnt do with their body. Y'know?

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  110. I have a few people i need to show this too, Thank you Jes, first time on the blog, and this is what i see? i think you found yourself a new reader madame. As a guy, who used to be around 300 pounds, ive been trying to tell my lovers that it doesnt matter that they are bigger. Maybe now with something as well put together as this, they will start to actually love themselves the way they deserve.
    -Thank you

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  111. I've been overweight throughout my teens, twenties and now I'm in my 30s. It had taken a toll on my self-confidence that I'm still trying to gain back...which I am, bit by bit. For a long time I put conditions on trying or not trying things because of my weight. I started breaking that almost seven years ago when I tried belly dance for the first time. It was something that I had always wanted to try, but I kept setting the condition that I would when I get thinner. Of course, thinner wasn't happening and I almost missed out on something that makes me so happy. From the first class I was hooked. Not only do I still belly dance, but for the last 5+ years I also perform with a troupe. I love to see the surprised looks on peoples' faces when they see the way I can move and that I'm just as good as anyone in the troupe. I also find that people, especially women, will come up to me to talk about dancing more than the other girls. I may not always like how my body looks in the mirror or how my clothes fit, but I do love what it can do when I belly dance. I try to remember that and push myself....even if something scares me...such as a sexy photo shoot for a friend who creates jewelry.

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  112. I've been overweight throughout my teens, twenties and now I'm in my 30s. It had taken a toll on my self-confidence that I'm still trying to gain back...which I am, bit by bit. For a long time I put conditions on trying or not trying things because of my weight. I started breaking that almost seven years ago when I tried belly dance for the first time. It was something that I had always wanted to try, but I kept setting the condition that I would when I get thinner. Of course, thinner wasn't happening and I almost missed out on something that makes me so happy. From the first class I was hooked. Not only do I still belly dance, but for the last 5+ years I also perform with a troupe. I love to see the surprised looks on peoples' faces when they see the way I can move and that I'm just as good as anyone in the troupe. I also find that people, especially women, will come up to me to talk about dancing more than the other girls. I may not always like how my body looks in the mirror or how my clothes fit, but I do love what it can do when I belly dance. I try to remember that and push myself....even if something scares me...such as a sexy photo shoot for a friend who creates jewelry.

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  113. I love this post. The part about guys liking girls of all sizes, hot guys banging fat chicks, and riding during sex make me so happy. I'm super tall, as well as kind of fat. My boyfriend looks like Howard from Big Bang Theory. We look kind of funny together, but in a cute way. Learning to ride was interesting with him, I thought I was gonna kill him. Turns out, I did not kill him and he thinks it's super hot. Win-win!

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  114. I have been overweight for most of my life and that has taken a toll on my self-confidence over the years. Bit by bit I've been trying to gain it back. For a long time I've put off trying things or putting conditions on challenging myself. One of these things was trying belly dance. It was something that I always wanted to do, but I said to myself that I would when I was thinner. Of course, thinner wasn't happening and I almost missed out on something that I find so important to who I am today. Seven years ago I took one class and I was hooked. Not only am I still belly dancing, but for the last 5+ years I've been performing with a troupe. I love the look on peoples' faces when they see how I can move and that I'm just as good as anyone else in my troupe. I find that women tend to talk to me after they see me perform, because they can relate to me. I mean...who doesn't have a few extra pounds.
    I still have to remind myself how I feel when I'm belly dancing in other situations. I have a friend who creates jewelry and leather products and she wanted to use me as a model. I was very apprehensive when I found out it was going to be a sexy themed photo shoot and almost didn't do it. Thank goodness I didn't talk myself out of it and rocked it.

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  115. God, you're amazing.

    This was what I needed. And while it's hard to take your own advice, it's easier to take someone else's. I shall attempt to be kinder to myself, and remind myself that while I may not see a gorgeous woman, someone else does, and hopefully I can see her too with enough hard work :)

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  116. As the tears roll down my cheeks I wright... Thank you. Like many women I struggle with self image. I am a first time mom of a wonderful 9 month old and he is the greatest thing ive ever done, but the pregnancy left me almost 70lbs over weight. Now ive never been a skinny minny but this is the first time in my life that i have been this big, and its a major adjustment. My self-consciousnesses is so bad that i wouldnt let my picture be taken even with my son, until a good friend pointed out that if i kept it up my son would never have any pictures of me. My husband is supportive and tells me all the time how beautiful i am, but im having trouble seeing it too. Reading you blog reminded me of the attitude i use to have, and that i need to look at things from a new light. so again thank you and know that your words touch people. (sometimes when they least expect it, but need it the most.)

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  117. Well shit. This AMAZING piece of writing just MADE MY FUCKING DAY!

    I already knew I was hot - you don't put your naked fat ass on the internet without a modicum of confidence - but it's extremely nice to be reminded of the fact every ince in a while.

    THANK YOU - you are kick-ass and you ROCK!

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  118. haha. I married a Marine when I was a size 22/24. I'm now pregnant with our twin boys.
    I have someone in my life who is convinced that arm flab is disgusting and ugly. She even told me that, it's ugly. I need to hide my arms. I responded I don't think its that big of a deal and she said "if you don't think its ugly you're lying to yourself."
    It had taken me about 5 years to finally accept that I wasn't a size 8 anymore and say f it, I'm going to wear tank tops because my hubbers loves me as is and he's the only one I want to impress. That brief conversation crushed me and made my pregnant butt implode into thinking my husband only married me because he thought I'd get thin again.

    So that brings me to my addition to the damned list:
    DO NOT PUSH YOUR INSECURITIES ON OTHERS.
    You may crush their self confidence. you might be taking what they feel is one of their best attributes and putting it down. Its NOT your place to tell others how they should dress or feel about how they look

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  119. This is magical. I'm currently in the Peace Corps being served a whole new diet by my host family (noodles, bread, cake, bread, and bread). My self image was plummeting, thanks to my rapidly changing body (HELLO CARBS!. This was the slap in the face I needed. Thank you! You are so brave!

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  120. Hey,
    thanks.
    ( :

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  121. thank you for the reminder. I had forgotten.

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  122. I don't this is something that just "fat" girls should hear, because I know skinny girls who need to hear it, curvy girls, pretty girls, plain girls, conservative girls, quirky girls, tall girls, short girls, and every kind of girl that goes through every day just not feeling good enough---either because of what the mirror has to say to her face, or what others have to say behind her back. #awesomeness.

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  123. Reading this made my day :) I am someone who has struggled with being fat for most of my life and after reading this I feel almost inspired and very happy about who I am big or small. I see a lot of comments regarding the health issue to which I say .. yes weight can cause health problems but I know a lot of people who are thin or of healthy weight and have shocking health issues either caused by trying to hard to be skinny or from doing things like smoking instead of eating. Health issues isn't what this topic is about and why people are getting into you about being superficial or doing the whole double standard because you like conventionally good looking men is beyond me. People are attracted to what they are attracted to and doesn't mean a guy who doesn't fit the hot media standard wont appeal to you. It's all about what the media deams hot or attractive and its ruined the world. Thanks for taking the time to write this Jes and know that for the people who this has had a positive impact on, you are a champ :) !

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  124. From one "big" girl to another: I think you're gorgeous. The fact that you know it too only makes you more attractive!

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  125. I think an equally strong message should be sent to men. In my experience most, yes that's right, MOST guys aren't actually that concerned with your size / weight... when alone...

    It's only when their pack instincts kick in... When fear of rejection from their peers divides their woman from their position in society.

    Yet it's all a tragic fallacy...

    MEN - BE BRAVE - IF YOU LOVE A GIRL, DO NOT HIDE THIS FROM ANYONE!!!

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  126. Bakers of the World RISE UP!!

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  127. hey jess i am in tucson as well and i am a freelance fat model and photographer... i am happy with my body and love to be photographed nude and i love to photograph other women and yes men nude... i would lov to shoot you or be shot by you if you are ever looking for new people to work with.. i am on Model Mayhem as seductivebyatch.. i LOVED this article!!

    theresa

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  128. I needed to read this today. After some arse told me repeatedly the other night how fat I am, ive been on a downer. Love ya work.

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  129. Wow. Just wow.

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  130. As a man who has been grossly obese all his life, I can tell you one thing from personal experience: fat guys get shafted twice. First, the obesity is brought into play, which people ridicule to no end. Second, when a fat guy finds a big woman he likes, the majority of the time she'll not be interested because she finds the fat guy unattractive. I've seen this, and lived this, all 38 years of my life.

    Don't get me wrong. I'm not boo-hooing in my beer or asking for sympathy. I've managed to develop confidence and self-esteem, fighting years of ridicule for my size. I've had the stones to ask out the junior prom queen when I was a freshman, even though she turned me down, and kept that level of confidence through the years. I have a good many friends who all try telling me I'm some level of awesome, but that's hard to believe when I face rejection at every turn.

    My confidence is almost gone, now. This article, while supportive and uplifting for all the women who have dealt with body image issues in their lives, also puts the exclamation point on my personal experience in dating: the vast majority of women just don't find fat guys attractive, no matter what else they have to offer. Even you, Jas, state your preference for guys who fit the model of "conventionally hot", after telling women to love themselves no matter how they look. I realize you didn't mean it this way, but it really is a bit of a slap to fat guys, even with your disclaimer.

    I'm not trying to tear you down for your preferences. We all have the right to be attracted to whomever we're attracted to, no exceptions. I'm just pointing out something I've seen over the years that seems to have been highlighted here.

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