This
year I have the immeasurable pleasure of speaking at the 2014 Body Love Conference. As I prepare for my presentations, I find myself wondering
what Body Love means to me. It’s an emotional topic for me, one that
brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it. Simply put, I NEED
BODY LOVE BECAUSE SURVIVING RAPE SHOULD MAKE ME PROUD OF MY BODY, NOT ASHAMED OF IT!
I’m
speaking on “Learning to Love Your Body After Sexual Assault” because
so many women feel ashamed of their bodies and seem surprised that I’ve
learned to love my body after the rape. My goal is to equip survivors
and co-survivors (those who love someone who’s survived rape) with the
tools necessary to love their bodies. My wish is to inspire those who
can’t imagine loving their bodies again (or even for the first time) to
take the first steps.
My
high school boyfriend raped me in June of 1991, a time when date rape
hadn’t been defined by the law leaving me with little recourse. He held
me down by the throat and raped me because I had ended our
relationship, making him angry. The hours that followed were critical
as I curled up on my best friend’s davenport and cried. She held me and
cried with me letting me know I wasn’t alone in this. I’m not sure
what possessed her to make me say out loud that I’d be raped but in
doing so she set me on my survivor’s journey. She saved my life.
My
journey began with admitting I’d been raped. In saying the words for
the first time, I began to realize this was something that someone else
did to me, not something I had done to myself. It didn’t make it better
instantly. If anything, it was the opposite. Saying it out loud made
it real, made it something I couldn’t deny and in the hours, days, and
even years to follow there were several times I wanted to deny it had
ever happened. I wondered if it would go away if I just ignored it or
if it would be something I would forget. Denial lets the pain, fear,
self-loathing, and sadness build until it can no longer be denied. For
me, admitting it and speaking out about it was the best thing I could
have ever done.
The
journey to loving my body came one day at a time; it’s been a journey
with more setbacks than I can count. It’s had really good days and
really bad ones. It’s been the most frustrating and most rewarding
experience I could ever imagine. I look at women who haven’t been raped
and wonder what it would be like not to bare the survivor cross. Then I
remind myself that everyone’s surviving something. Make no mistake,
learning to love your body after sexual assault is not for the faint of
heart and the work never ends.
Being
open about the assault has made the journey easier but there are other
things I do to keep myself healthy and loving my body. Here are a
couple of the topics we’re going to talk about in April.
- Be nice to yourself!
It’s
so easy to hate your body and yourself after sexual assault and yet we
should really be proud of ourselves for surviving. I don’t know anyone
who wasn’t in fear for her/his life during rape, so be nice to your body
and yourself. You did exactly what you were supposed to in your
situation, YOU SURVIVED. Celebrate that victory. It’s bigger than you
think.
- Control the message!
Often
it’s the little things that trigger negativity. For me, it’s hearing
the song, “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice. My rapist was a huge fan of
that song and so when I hear it, I automatically associate it with being
assaulted. So I change the channel when it comes on. It’s simple but
it seems to make a world of difference.
- Stop comparing!
Remember
when I said I look at women who haven’t been raped and wonder what life
would be like? I began to love myself when I stopped doing that. When
I stopped assuming these women had perfect lives and instead started
focusing on what my body does for me and what it’s capable of, I began
to really love my body.
- HAVE SEX!
Having
sex after assault can be one of the most terrifying experiences a
survivor faces but a healthy sex life is important in showing yourself
love and respect. Be uber selective about your partner and make sure
(s)he is understands what’s happened and will respect whatever
boundaries you set. Also, learning to pleasure yourself in a way that’s
kind, loving, and safe can be one of the best ways to love your body
again. Explore it within the boundaries of what is safe for you.
Loving
your body is an ongoing journey for all women (and a lot of men) even
those who haven’t been raped. Sadly, body love isn’t a path well
traveled but is certainly a trip worth taking. Just remember to be kind
and patient on your journey. The best is yet to come.
-------------------------------
Writer,
Career Coach, advocate for women, and speaker Michelle Merritt is the
Chick-in-Charge of Merrfeld Resumes and Coaching, a firm dedicated to
helping people find the careers of their dreams. In a past life, she was
a Fortune 500 Headhunter, Corporate Culture Executive, and Vice
President of one of the largest metro Chambers of Commerce in the
Country. All of this has led her to create Merrfeld. Merrfeld,
www.merrfeld.com, was created to serve and give to the world in a way
that encourages, promotes, and enables people to be total rock stars.
Michelle speaks on a variety of topics from surviving and thriving after
sexual assault to building your professional network and career of your
dreams.
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