SOMETIMES IT'S JUST HARD

Sometimes its just hard to be fat. To look every day in the mirror, unable to trust your own eyes. To wake up knowing that your mere presence is going to piss off, gross out, or inconvenience someone today. Its hard to boost your tender self esteem and repeat your mantra "I'm okay" over and over again when everything you see and hear tells you otherwise. Its hard to have a healthy relationship when the struggle to feel sexy becomes a war between you and the rest of the world and you. Its hard to try on pants. Period. Its hard to hear other people talking about how they need to lose weight when it is "obvious to them" that you do also. Its also hard to hear people talk about how much weight they lost when its obvious to them that you should also. Its hard to feel comfortable eating in public, swimming in public, sitting in public, and exercising in public. Its hard to have days where you despise yourself so much that it becomes physically painful. Its hard to know that despite the fact that you know you shouldn't feel this way, you do. Sometimes its just hard.

Sometimes its just hard to be opinionated. When you are opinionated, you are asking at least one person to shoot you down. You must solidify your beliefs, build a back up reserve of confidence, and march out to your platform knowing good damn well that someone just might hate you because of it. You do it because its worth it and change comes from talking about it, but sometimes its still very very hard.

Sometimes its just hard to be a woman. To be conditioned to fit into a role that you don't feel completely comfortable in. But the tricky part is that you do feel a little comfortable and this segment of you fights daily against the part that wants to be different. Its hard to rely on yourself to mediate the two and allow yourself to be both when there isn't a niche already carved out for you. Its hard to be objectified and then dismissed by arrogant men. Its hard to be taken advantage of because you're drunk and you happened to be born with female specific genitalia. Its hard to prove that you're so much more than the size of your bra. Its hard to grow up in a world that has viewed women as entertainment for a kajillion years, and as property for a kajillion years before that. That is a LOT of misshapen history to combat in a lifetime. Its really really hard to be conditioned that you are not okay, that you will never be okay, but you must do A, B, and C in order to try. Anything less would be social blasphemy. It's hard to find the courage and energy day after day to flip off these expectations while living a fulfilling life. Sometimes its just hard.

Sometimes it hard to care. When it seems like the majority of the world doesn't, it takes extra effort to remain passionate week after week, month after month, even when it seems fruitless. Sometimes its just hard.

Sometimes its just hard to be a critical thinker. Its hard to long for the days of ignorance and accept the fact that no matter how hard you try, you can never return. Its hard to listen to every song, watch every commercial, and read every ad without questioning the true intentions. Its hard to just enjoy media in general. Its hard to realize that the Disney world you grew up in simply does not exist. Its no longer a matter of getting there, its now a matter of finding a new destination and this is hard for you to grasp. Its hard to see and accept the truth, because the truth isn't always pretty. Sometimes it's just hard.

Sometimes its just hard to have a brain disease that seems determined to kill you and ruin everything you love. Its hard to end up on the couch in the middle of the night sobbing, just sure that this is the breakdown that will make him want to leave. Your rational mind knows he committed and in love, but your broken mind takes over and it becomes an impossible fight to win. Its hard to not know when the fucked up parts of your mind will invade the rest, and its hard to battle the seemingly random fits of attempted "emotional suicide." Its hard to do everything on the invisible list of "shoulds" and then wait to be fixed... only to be disappointed when you become symptomatic again. Its hard to self monitor when in social situations, always wondering if you're too much or not enough; your core being extraordinarily vulnerable to others judgements. And then you judge yourself for being vulnerable to judgements. Its hard to wonder how everyone else sees the world, and not feel a little jealous that some don't have to fight as hard to enjoy it. Sometimes it's just hard.

Sometimes its just hard to acknowledge the hard stuff. In a world where positivity remains ideal, its difficult to allow yourself to process reality. You know its important but sometimes... its just hard.

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This isn't a pity party, but rather an acknowledgement that while we try to focus on the cheerful, there is difficulty that must be addressed in order to achieve inner balance This momentary acceptance is crucial to our progression! I offer my brief recognition and extend you an invitation to do the same.

xoxo