“We are all like the bright moon, we still have our darker side.”
So, why is the moon my arch nemesis? The short answer is: I haven't the foggiest. I know, I know... we're supposed to love the moon, right? The gravitational pull, keeping the tides in order. The derivative for and the dictator of our menstrual cycles. The prefect setting for a sappy love poem and so on. But for me, as far back as I can remember (also known as the last 9 years) I have turned into a sorrier version of myself the second the sun goes down.
I've looked into the symptoms of BPD to see if there is any written documentation of mood fluctuation depending on the time of day, but I haven't found any... yet. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is correlated but this has no proof except for me. My days go something like this: wake up energized positive and proactive. Get shit done mode, read news mode, drink coffee mode, dance with the kitties mode. I then go to work with my bubbly self and laugh/bake/train forever. When I come home I attack the projects that need to be done and cook dinner for my Him and I. AND THEN, it goes one of two ways. 1.) I sedately watch movies, blog, or read, simply content to relax, OR 2.) I become a clusterfuck of a train wreck, gradually picking up speed as the night wears on. Option 2 is rarer than it used to be, but when it hits, it still hits hard. It as though I lose my critical thinking and my emotions run wild; recklessly destroying everything in sight that has the potential to be positive. I over think conversations. My self esteem plummets. I cry over nothing at all. I can't stop obsessing about trivial shit. I am in constant need of affirmation. My demands are unreasonable. I am miserable and anxious for no determined reason. I see all of the little things in life that I cannot stand. I become judgmental and ornery. Just to name a few. My Him really is a trooper; he is as calm (as possible) and just rides it out. I remember an ex exasperatingly telling me that the second the sky darkens I become a "psycho crazy bitch". There is a reason why I left him.
So, I don't know. I'm taking a shot in the dark talking about this; I honestly don't know if anyone else experiences this or knows a possible cause. My therapist and I have speculated that when I was young there were some traumatic experiences that sullied the nighttime for me since. All I know that it is quite miserable for me and my company... and so I have developed coping tools to help ride it out.
Things that don't work: drinking all night and then taking it out on the bartender. Consuming sedative medication that causes restless sleep. Sobbing in the bathroom for hours at a time. Staying up all night so that you are equally exhausted the next day. Trust me, these are shit ideas. I know fo shizzle.
So what things DO work? I can only speak from my experience, but I have established some solid ideas that have worked, and are consistently available for my freak outs.
I take a walk. My Him and I do this every night now that the cooler days are here. This gets me out of the house, breathing fresh air, kicking up my endorphins, and usually coincides with good conversation.
I write. While going through my "emotional" teenage years and early twenties, this saved my life. I tend to be the kind of person who types what I feel and if it is typed out, it just is. And if it just is, it becomes okay. Its bizarre how helpful putting the indescribable into words can be. You are often the benefactors of this the next morning.
I paint. And I get messy. Catharsis.
I cuddle. When this is available, it is sometimes enough.
I take a shower. The refreshing water gets the blood moving, the body smelling good, and the mind out of the downward spiral.
Visit Mom. I truck on over to her house, and bask in the different speed and culture of life there for a while. This often takes the weight of helping me feel better of my Him, and distributes it elsewhere. Plus she has poodle puppies, so that obviously helps.
I read body positive books. More often than not, my sadness is body based and so reading something affirmative becomes a "support network" for me. Recently, I have leaned on Two Whole Cakes, Fat!So?, and most recently Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere. I love those ladies.
I adjust my sleep schedule. For me, this is the most important. I know my weak parts of the day, and I also know my strong. When other options are unsuccessful and I feel myself spiraling out of control, I make a beeline for the bedroom. I know that for me when I wake, I feel like a brand new person. Sometimes its just better to call it a night than draw out emotional pain. Y'feel me?
I feel like this post is a little bit random, but I also think that it might be helpful to someone out there. Of course, I'm writing this post after midnight, because I'm having one of those nights and I've already done a few on the list... but writing rarely fails me.
Do you have any of the symptoms or experiences that I mentioned above? If so, what do you do to relieve the yuckiness? If you don't, does your mood fluctuate at all depending on the time of day? Do tell, do tell.