“We are all like the bright moon, we still have our darker side.”  
Kahlil Gibran

So, why is the moon my arch nemesis? The short answer is: I haven't the foggiest. I know, I know... we're supposed to love the moon, right? The gravitational pull, keeping the tides in order. The derivative for and the dictator of our menstrual cycles. The prefect setting for a sappy love poem and so on.  But for me, as far back as I can remember (also known as the last 9 years) I have turned into a sorrier version of myself the second the sun goes down.

I've looked into the symptoms of BPD to see if there is any written documentation of mood fluctuation depending on the time of day, but I haven't found any... yet. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is correlated but this has no proof except for me. My days go something like this: wake up energized positive and proactive. Get shit done mode, read news mode, drink coffee mode, dance with the kitties mode. I then go to work with my bubbly self and laugh/bake/train forever. When I come home I attack the projects that need to be done and cook dinner for my Him and I. AND THEN, it goes one of two ways. 1.) I sedately watch movies, blog, or read, simply content to relax, OR 2.) I become a clusterfuck of a train wreck, gradually picking up speed as the night wears on. Option 2 is rarer than it used to be, but when it hits, it still hits hard. It as though I lose my critical thinking and my emotions run wild; recklessly destroying everything in sight that has the potential to be positive. I over think conversations. My self esteem plummets. I cry over nothing at all. I can't stop obsessing about trivial shit. I am in constant need of affirmation. My demands are unreasonable. I am miserable and anxious for no determined reason. I see all of the little things in life that I cannot stand. I become judgmental and ornery. Just to name a few. My Him really is a trooper; he is as calm (as possible) and just rides it out. I remember an ex exasperatingly telling me that the second the sky darkens I become a "psycho crazy bitch". There is a reason why I left him.

So, I don't know. I'm taking a shot in the dark talking about this; I honestly don't know if anyone else experiences this or knows a possible cause. My therapist and I have speculated that when I was young there were some traumatic experiences that sullied the nighttime for me since. All I know that it is quite miserable for me and my company... and so I have developed coping tools to help ride it out.

Things that don't work: drinking all night and then taking it out on the bartender. Consuming sedative medication that causes restless sleep. Sobbing in the bathroom for hours at a time. Staying up all night so that you are equally exhausted the next day. Trust me, these are shit ideas. I know fo shizzle.

So what things DO work? I can only speak from my experience, but I have established some solid ideas that have worked, and are consistently available for my freak outs.

I take a walk. My Him and I do this every night now that the cooler days are here. This gets me out of the house, breathing fresh air, kicking up my endorphins, and usually coincides with good conversation.

I write. While going through my "emotional" teenage years and early twenties, this saved my life. I tend to be the kind of person who types what I feel and if it is typed out, it just is. And if it just is, it becomes okay. Its bizarre how helpful putting the indescribable into words can be. You are often the benefactors of this the next morning.

I paint. And I get messy. Catharsis.

I cuddle. When this is available, it is sometimes enough.

I take a shower. The refreshing water gets the blood moving, the body smelling good, and the mind out of the downward spiral.

Visit Mom. I truck on over to her house, and bask in the different speed and culture of life there for a while. This often takes the weight of helping me feel better of my Him, and distributes it elsewhere. Plus she has poodle puppies, so that obviously helps.

I read body positive books. More often than not, my sadness is body based and so reading something affirmative becomes a "support network" for me. Recently, I have leaned on Two Whole Cakes, Fat!So?, and most recently Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere. I love those ladies.

I adjust my sleep schedule. For me, this is the most important. I know my weak parts of the day, and I also know my strong. When other options are unsuccessful and I feel myself spiraling out of control, I make a beeline for the bedroom. I know that for me when I wake, I feel like a brand new person. Sometimes its just better to call it a night than draw out emotional pain. Y'feel me?

I feel like this post is a little bit random, but I also think that it might be helpful to someone out there. Of course, I'm writing this post after midnight, because I'm having one of those nights and I've already done a few on the list... but writing rarely fails me.

Do you have any of the symptoms or experiences that I mentioned above? If so, what do you do to relieve the yuckiness? If you don't, does your mood fluctuate at all depending on the time of day? Do tell, do tell.


  1. Nights used to be my favorite time to wind down from a stressful day and I rarely experienced any sort of negative emotion. Lately I find that the nights make me more stressed for the things I need to accomplish in the future days, giving me more anxiety than calming feelings.
    The best way for me to chill out is to read a book I can't put down, refocusing my energy onto something entertaining. I try to do this until it makes me tired (or I stay up until I finish the book, oops!)
    For me, movies are lonely, and cooking is lonely, as my roommates are rarely here and my boyfriend is long distance, so books have become my savior :)

  2. Aw honey :( I feel for you, I really do. Especially seen as for me, I have the complete opposite issue! In the daytime, I am the absolute worst version of myself. But as soon as the sun goes down, I become calmer, happier, bolder. I find the night-time magical. Maybe you need to come stay with me so I can try and make night-take magic for you?

    Is it possible, that it's some kind of SAD? I know a lot of people become unhappier in the Autumn/Winter when it's darker, do you find you get that also? It must be tougher when the nights draw in for you as well.

    Also, as utterly stupid as this may sound, perhaps it's being more comfortable? I know that my self-esteem/body image issues are worse when I'm at home, slumped on the sofa, no make-up on, generally not looking my best and feeling as though my clothes fit funny around my rolls. If it helps you at all, whenever I feel kind of insecure, I look at pictures of curvy women who I admire, and you are certainly one of them :)

    *serious hugs* It's also worth exploring what your therapist said. I know a little bit about therapy, and psychology, and a LOT about BPD, and it is highly possible that there have been tenser/more difficult times in your life at night, and subconsciously you are connecting the two. Perhaps your parents would argue at night, or you had past relationships where you didn't look forward to coming home in the evening, or even that a lot of the negative experiences have happened to you in the evening time.

    Whoa, essay comment. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, and if you need an ear that understands, I am never far away!

    Morgue x

  3. The nighttime depression is a real thing! I don't know what it's called or if it's medically realized, but I know from experience that it is. I had this happen so many times going through high school and it was really, really strange. I'd go through the same thing! Wake up, great. Get dressed, great. Go to school, great. Hang out after, great. Some homework, great. Dinner, great. SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE. It was like my entire day changed. And suddenly I couldn't remember any of it ever being great! All that mattered was that it was awful right now and that was how it's always been.

    One night I actually opened up to my dad about this and and he looked at me like I was crazy. He said to me "Jessie, that is completely normal. Everyone's happier during the day. During the day you're busy, there are things to do and people to see. Places to go. But at night you're left all to your own and all of a sudden everything's more serious and you're left to think of more personal things. And usually more personal things are more somber topics. Not because we're naturally somber people, only because we're excited to share all of our exciting, happy personal things, so we do so during the day. We've already thought about and talked about all our happy bits and now we're left with the sad bits. So, naturally, we get sadder. And when we're sadder and we're all alone and it's dark outside and we've got nothing to actively distract ourselves with, we tend to feel more trapped in it. So it just becomes this things that we're building up on itself. But it's not anything to take as an issue. Just something to be aware of. It doesn't mean anything's wrong with your or anything bad. Just something to anticipate and be prepared for."

    I love my dad. He and I would have so many conversations like that. His advice? Watching very hilarious movies. Listening and dancing to especially delightful music from the 60's and 70's. Writing down ten things you're grateful for that happened that day. Planning out your day tomorrow. And if none of that works? Go to sleep early!

    I hope any of this helps and I'm not just rambling nonsensically!

  4. As much as I love the night, I feel for you. I have Bipolar Disorder and it's MUCH easier for me to feel down and lose control at night. For me, I'm not sure it really even has to do with it being light or dark outside. My mood usually doesn't change until I realize I have no more "obligations"; no one to see, no where to go, and if I have anything to do it's at home. So, depending on the day this could happen in the middle of the afternoon or not until it's actually night.

    I also have an eating disorder and have always struggled with it at night.

    Movies, even mindless ones I would normally not choose, seem to help. I can just zone out and forget the yuckiness.

    I'm working on having more hobbies, and I think that will help more than just movies, especially come winter.

    I also recently started taking creatine because there have been studies to show it helps regulate moods in people with Bipolar Disorder. I don't really know how it works or if it would help you at all. It's cheaper and better than medication so I'm giving it a shot.

    I think one of the best things though is to notice it. I know it's cliche and that really is the only place to start. I was 23 before I knew I had any sort of "real problems", so before that I was just a mess of a girl doomed for life.

  5. Yes, yes, YES. This started for me about three years ago. I noticed I started getting afraid at night - mostly afraid of dying. I assumed it was because I was stressed out from full time work, school, volunteering, wedding planning and working on my business. It was only occasionally at first but soon every night I would have full blown panic attacks. Especially the closer it got to bed time. I have to take anxiety medication nightly or I work myself into such a froth I can't sleep, I am a total wench to my (now) husband, and I have on occasion contemplated suicide thinking I was going on a one way trip aboard the cray-cray express... I'm glad I'm not alone!!


  6. Mine is in the morning. Some mornings I wake up mad and bitter that I woke up. Usually by the afternoon, I am ok, but then sometimes it carries on, and I have to go take a nap. It usually happens when I am immediately overstimulated, ie the phone immediately starts ringing, the gf complains about something (harmless, she is amaaazing), or anything else that might be too stimulating upon waking. My love tries her best to help it get better, and some days it works, but others it seems like I will never find happiness within myself, and that she is merely pacifying me, although logically I know that is not the case. In these moments, it is though all logic is thrown to the wind. I don't want to be crazy, it is not fair to have grown up the way I did, only to be ridiculed now because my coping skills are less than par. I survived severe abuse, I am a survivor, not crazy.

  7. Nope, it's not just you.

    Night time seems to be when the worst of my anxiety and depression comes out to play. Never really put much thought into why or how or anything like that. I've just spent years dealing with the fact that at night time my mind ceases to function in a rational way. It's hard to explain to people that, "No, I don't know what the problem is. It just happens. It sucks."

    Then I'll go thru all my coping stuff: I'll talk to friends, I'll take a boilingly hot shower, write, read, etc. Eventually I go to sleep. When I wake up in the morning I typically feel normal and even keel and wonder what the night before was all about.

    I love night time. I like the darkness and the moon and the stars. Astronomy is a love of mine. But something about night time triggers bad things in my brain and I have to wrestle through them.


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