This was one hell of an emotional roller coaster, this IAPOMS.

Rachel, the coordinator of Sexy Lady Bookworms (new website here!) asked ME to join her on Tucson's morning talk show. What a fucking compliment. I tend to say yes to every opportunity and then think about it later... so of course I signed up. We talked a little about it before hand but decided to work our magic all impromptu style and in the moment. Its a good thing we didn't stress, because they purposefully asked different questions than what was previously submitted. Y'know,  to keep us on our feet and shit.

We stopped by Erin Bakers house before hand to get our hair did. I'm a little in love with her. Almost every shoot where there is killer victory rolls and pin up hair..it was her magic. Rachel and I somehow ended up in the greenroom twiddling our thumbs and looking like a sideshow next to the sharp lookin' chefs a few chairs over. Ah, the life.

When on the air, I forgot everything I was supposed to remember as predicted.  I forgot to keep my skirt straight, tuck my tag in, sit up, don't look at the camera etc etc etc. After I jumped in though, it turned into a blur, a really really fun blur and I think the producers might have loved us. After we left, it took them less than an hour to post the clip and I was instantly hesitant to watch it. I was prepared to find a few flaws, after all... it was me on camera. I was NOT prepared for the reaction that actually transpired: as I watched my profile on the screen I froze. That was me, and I was absolutely horrified. And then I cried.

Do you ever have those experiences? Where "what you think that you look like" and "what you see in a picture is completely different"? I saw my face, turned in its most unflattering angle, looking like a mask stuck to a giant over inflated balloon. I was 20 sizes bigger. My nose completely disappeared. My roots were a foot long. I was incredulous as to how I could be so positively hideous in real life. I was a whale compared to my tiny tiny friend (who is in fact really really tiny) and I just... couldn't... I couldn't... breathe. It took me a while to look at the video again, but when I explained to a friend how disgusted I was, she offered to watch it and give me her honest critique. I held my breath while she finished the clip and smiled at me. You looked adorable. I argued with her. No no no, I feel so sorry for my Him. He deserves a prettier girlfriend.He blah blah blah I'm blah blah blah. She made the most anguished face I've ever seen and said... "Jes. Your perspective is completely distorted."

I had to think about it for a minute. Was it possible that what was on the screen and what my eyes saw were two completely different things? I couldn't grasp it. How can I NOT trust my eyes? If I can't trust my eyes, who do I trust? This whole concept weirded me out. I needed days to process this. Like, DAYS.

After mulling this over and over I watched the video again without any expectations. It was better... oddly better. This simple fact reinstated the concept to me that our self hating brains are not to be trusted. You know those anorexia ads where they have the extremely thin girl in front of a mirror and instead of her reflection she sees a heavyset girl? She literally sees something that no one else sees. She sees something that isn't even her. I never truly understood this until I watched the video for the final time. This blew my mind.

It is totally possible, and completely probable that when I have bad days and look loathingly into the mirror... that what I see is nothing like what others see. In fact, I know its not. Of course people see everything about us, our facial expressions, our words, our talent, our energy and our body... but I don't even mean that. The body that I see on bad days is not reality. And we must not let our brains lie to us any longer.

I know that I have a big body, and this is not an insult. It is a fact, and through this experience I have come to respectful terms with this even more. I know why we hate ourselves so easily, and when I think about it I get angry. I wonder if the men who started the body image money scheme knew how many women they would affect. How many women would struggle with loving themselves their entire life and how it would distort everything they see. Well, I'm on to them; I'm not letting my brain skew my body anymore. I will look at it non-judgmentally and let it be what it is and who I am. I know this whole concept is a life long quest, but this video forced me to speed it along a little bit. I might be a little bit grateful for that.

Television does add extra pounds onto whomever is on the screen, but I am determined to be proud of my size no matter how I appear. It's not about the size in the end, you know? It's about being proud of you.

Of course I included the link to the "goddawful" video so you can see what I am rambling about. I think it also serves another purpose (besides plugging SLB) seeing as it's kind of like a vlog... only I'm not being stop-and-go awkward and trying to talk in a cute voice. Which is what I would expect from myself if I were to ever make a vlog. Which I won't.

So this is all you get! Enjoy!

You can click the image above or this link here.

///EDIT: IAPOMS LADIES! I'm selling all of my L-XXL vintage dresses here. You totally deserve to have one or three vintage pieces that fit well.///


  1. YOUR HAIR LOOKS AWESOME!!! Seriously, that hair is perfection. What an awesome thing you ladies are doing. I linked this post up to my Things I love Thursday post, because, well, I love it.

  2. After I had my babies I couldnt look at myself directly in the mirror for months. To this day ( a year and a half after my youngest was born) I see the worst version of myself in the mirror even when people tell me I look fine. Despite, as you said, subjectively understanding why these things happening and that my emotional response to my changing shape is not particularly logical...I struggle with dropping the shit and just seeing myself as I am!
    I look forward to hearing you hold forth on this more! And also sharing how you manage to have such lovely posture all the time! I am slouchy mcsloucherton whenever I sit down!

  3. That's amazing! How exciting!

    You look absolutely beautiful and I love hearing how people sound in real life (Is that weird? Maybe a little weird).

    Also, I think that presenter seems great. It sounds like she is actually genuine when she says that the biggest turn off is a man saying he doesn't read. I totally agree with that!


  4. Thank you for sharing this - it's good to know that I'm not the only one who still has down-on-myself moments, despite my best efforts to love how I look.
    Oh, and yeah, you look effing adorable.

  5. I love this post so much! I feel like other bloggers might have just posted a video and said, "Hey look, I was on TV" but not only did you tell us about a scary truth, your post wasn't even about sharing your video! (although it is awesome, and once again, you rock). Please keep telling us your story, I feel like my life depends on it!!

  6. I love this post.

    Dude, I totally get this feeling. I used do a lot of interviews when I taught at the university; and I do theater and music, and for a while I couldn't watch myself on screen. I wouldn't because I had the same reaction as you. The first time I saw myself on TV, I wept. I locked myself in my room for days. Especially because I compared myself to thinner girls or whatever.

    I found that the key is to watch it again. Then again. Then again. And focus on the things you rocked. Like on your video: you rocked those questions! Your comment on the dichotomy of smart vs. sexy; so important. And I thought the lace top was sexy. After you focus on what went right, you start to feel better about what you see; which is fabulous of course.


  7. Oh my god Jes, you are so cute! Cute and well spoken.
    I know what you mean about the difficulty of viewing ourselves. It's funny that even the face we see every single day can still sometimes seem foreign, maybe those are the times we tap into what other people see in us and we really see ourselves.



    And I gotta say I was really excited to hear your voice! Creepy as it sounds, I don't know how I imagined your voice, but I like it! =D

    I'm so happy that Sexy Lady Bookworms is getting so much love. You are such a wonderful person for doing this and inspiring others to do things like it!!

  9. Hi Jes,

    Wow... you rock! I love your blog, I find it very positive and empowering. I was hoping that you would check out my blog and consider following me. I am attempting to build my audience with some positive ladies and I thought of you for sure!


    Thanks for considering,
    Sarah :-)

  10. You look really pretty on your photos. I wish beautiful people stopped doubting their looks. Anyway, good for you on dealing with it successfully. And thanks for the post, I know about at least one unreasonably insecure person who needs to read it right now and (possibly) learn.

  11. I think you look really beautiful! Like badass pretty!! Love your blog!

  12. "You looked adorable." That is also what I told Guy about you as the two of us were watching you and Rachel do your interview. Adorable and well spoken. Fearlessly jumping in when Rachel needed you. Your statement "I never truly understood this until I watched the video for the final time" is at the crux of body dysmorphia. I have suffered from it for years (yup, it often goes along with eating disorders). I'm glad this was your first experience with this and I hope it will be your last. How wonderful that you have a friend like the one you mentioned above who can be a mirror to your true self ... bright, beautiful, spunky, fun, charming, pretty :)

  13. I had this same moment about a week or two ago-- not on TV, though :p I looked at myself.. REALLY looked at myself, physically, for the first time in probably ever, and it was not at all the same image I've been viewing myself as for YEARS. It was kind of a shocker, and I went through all those same thoughts ("of course I'm single, LOOK AT ME"), but then I realized that the solution to being happy with myself was not to eat better/less and get the body I always imagine myself having. It's simply to learn to be happy with myself, and who I am, regardless of size. :)

    I find that taking photographs and showing them off on my blog helps, because I'm not doing it for a 'you look great!' compliment. I'm actually (for the first time in forever!) doing it to show off the bits of myself/my personality that I am proud of. :)

    So remember that -- because you are absolutely adorable (I love your smile :p and your style!) because of who you are... which includes what you look like, but it's not the only thing. You, as a complete package, are beautiful -- and so am I, and so is everyone else who reads, because we are wonderful inventive-minded ladies who know (or are learning) how to appreciate how awesome it is to be US. :)


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